Thriving Solo: The Stoic

Admittedly, it did take a certain amount of stoicism to weather what she had just been through. Sometimes it is necessary to turn inward to keep your head held high-to rely on yourself and nobody else. Sometimes, life throws you a curve and Stoicism is your own choice. But did you know? the basic idea of Stoicism is: don’t freak out about what you can’t control. Apparently if you do stoicism right, you can thrive.

Silly me. I thought the basic idea of stoicism was to act like nothing is bothering me. To be strong and do everything on my own. To not let anyone know I have feelings. To keep a marble-like unruffled face. In other words: Frozen.

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel; don’t let them know….

But no! Stoicism is much more and so much better than that – and – it’s something you can do alone very well – and thrive. Thankfully, in my isolation, I stumbled on a great article from Raptitude where David Cain referenced Elif Batuman who in turn recommended three major Stoic works, classics by Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius (Epictetus, Aurelius – let them roll off your tongue, add a little rhythm and I feel some new song lyrics coming on….) Hopefully, we will not have quarantine time enough to read these three volumes. So here you go in a nutshell:

  • don’t freak out about what you can’t control
  • divide your moment-to-moment concerns into two bins: the things you can control, and the things you can’t.
  • The first bin is small and it’s the only one for which you are responsible
  • The second bin is the responsibility of the gods – let it go!

From Raptitude: You can feel free to leave the gods’ enormous bin entirely up to them, as long as you do your best to tend to your small bin of personal choices and habits. Of course, the larger bin still affects your life, even though you can’t (and shouldn’t try to) curate it. It contains matters such as when and how you die, how others act, the weather, and the stock market… Obviously we have a stake in how those matters turn out, yet these outcomes aren’t really up to us, and we shouldn’t make ourselves miserable wishing they were. You will be treated unfairly, you will get sick, you will lose everything, and you will die, and the gods (or whatever forces there are) will deliver those fates to you as they please.

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear…

But don’t just read the quote above, click on over to Raptitude and look at the two diagrams. Don’t you feel much, much better now with a manageable sized burden?

The Cry of the Wild

If she took a hike every day of her life, would it be enough? When you hike you learn something new every time; something new about Nature, something new from Science, something novel about people – maybe even something new about yourself.

Better yet, hiking is something you can do alone, solitary, at a proper physical distance during times of quarantine.

It was the seventh day after implementation of proper social distancing in Durango, Colorado. Not the seventh day after discovery of Coronavirus, not the seventh day after cessation of hand-shaking. No one had been shaking hands for two weeks. But it was the seventh day since library and public places closure. It was also a Sunday. and recreators were out in force – albeit, maintaining a six to ten foot social distance between parties – often even persons in the same group.

Blue sky and wispy cirrus clouds were overhead. She had walked a good three miles at a fast pace in the best combination of places; beside running water, through trees and grasses and other vegetation and rocks. She had nodded and waved to passersby from a safe physical distance and tried not to breathe – neither out nor in – when others came too close. She was a good person and always, always tried to obey the rules. And the rules of this beautiful day? Look around you. Breathe deep. Enjoy nature. Be grateful to have landed in this wonderful place. Be at peace. Be healthful. Be restored. Once or twice she pulled out her phone to snap a picture. She wanted to remember. She wanted a record of what Nature whispered.

A guttural bray split the silence some 100 yards behind her. Again it honked, loud, forced, like an angry human deliberately trying to disrupt the stillness and beauty with a manufactured cough. Or did someone need help? She turned.

Have you ever heard the cry of a wild animal in distress? It is an awful bellow. More blood-curdling than the midnight call of a fox on the tail of its prey. She was once awakened in the middle of the night by just such a cry from a rabbit fatally harassed by neighbor dogs. This wild animal was twenty times bigger than a rabbit and ten times louder and whatever this animal was, it was being pursued downriver by another large mammal. The two mammals emerged around the bend like overgrown children playing crack-the-whip, for the animal in pursuit had attached itself to the hindquarters of a doe in flight. Both were kicking and swimming for dear life.

If there was one safety rule she knew, it was not to interfere with nature. She watched. She made sure she was in a protected place behind a tree. Those animals, now only 30 yards away down a riverbank, might separate and escape up the bank, straight at her at any moment. She took out her camera and focused on the harsh realities of nature taking course in the water. Suddenly, two young women appeared around the bend; one at river level in hasty and desperate pursuit of her dog, which turned out to be the pursuing mammal; the other, fifteen feet away at trail level. “What are you doing?” yelled the near woman. “Are you recording this? Delete it right now! Don’t you dare post that!”

She looked up from her phone in surprise, “This is important,” she said mildly.

“No! No it’s not important,” spat the young woman, “put your camera away.”

On the rocky river beach another scene unfolded. Miraculously, the first young woman got hold of her dog, separated and leashed him, handed him over to a seasoned canine owner amongst the bystanders and returned to check on the doe. Meanwhile, a fisherman from upstream had waded quickly through the current and, sportsman that he was, proceeded to do his best to get the doe to solid ground. Others ran to find phone numbers and contact wildlife officials. Someone murmured about fines leveled at dog owners when wildlife is injured.

Feeling not very helpful, she turned and continued her final mile on the trek home. Saddened by Nature. Disappointed by irrational humans. Uplifted by the beautiful day. How she wished she had that fisherman’s rescue on tape. It reminded her of a positive video she once saw online. But alas, though the video button glowed red through the entire incident, the record button was never engaged.

Write! Alone!

Okay folks, we are now in quarantine mode. Do you know what that is? It is The Last Holiday mode. It is use the good china, light a fire in the fireplace, sleep as late as you want, attend to the bucket list, embrace forced retirement mode – – And for goodness sakes, write 2,000 words a day!

WRITE! Writing is up there on my must do daily list – right there with hike and play the piano – right there as an essential activity on the Things You Can Do Solo list. Best of all? It is something else you can do with your hands -before you wash them and after you wash them.

This is what you have lived for, planned for, saved for and longed for time out of mind. Get to it! Pick up that quill. Open that laptop. Write that novel. Write that short story. Write that letter you have been putting off. Address that postcard. Write.

I am not going to tell you to get off the internet because internet is where most of your audience is right now. The libraries are closed. The bookstores are online only.

This was a perfect storm and you are called to navigate it, finally shaken from your lethargy.

Write.

And be ready. The libraries and bookstores and publishing houses will not be closed forever.

Be prepared. Be ready. …Now, where did I put that sidewalk chalk?

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Things you can do solo: Play Piano, Play guitar, Learn a new instrument

It happened so swiftly she didn’t know what hit her. Yet, always prepared, she knew just what to do.

  • Well-salaried position to boxes stacked in a new locale 260 miles distant in 72 hours
  • Final load of earthly goods settled in Durango, Colorado complete in 10 days – including changing horses in the middle of the stream

A sudden move. Yet, she was nothing if not prepared – just not as prepared as she wanted to be. At the age of 65 the concept of retirement had been thoroughly considered, characteristically planned. “Someday,” she said, “I will retire in Ouray. I will write. I will play music. I will hike. I will attend cultural events. I will soak my weary bones in the hot springs daily. Ouray is both my church and my hospital. I will retire and heal.” The best laid plans often go astray. No affordable housing was available in Ouray. Durango-only 74 miles distant-offered refuge; a private place to write, room for musical instruments, plentitude of cultural events, a hub of education, most importantly: hiking trails accessible from the front door.

“I will get a fun job,” she said. “Part time or full time – something to protect my savings account from decimation.”

And then: coronavirus. The churches closed first. Then the schools. Then bars and restaurants. Finally the train. Every last place that promised entertainment or held potential for a fun job: shuttered. Choral groups cancelled concerts. Symphonies ceased to gather for rehearsal. The unemployment rate rose to 30% and continued to climb. But she had learned something in her 65.75 years. Don’t quit on your music. Music is something you can do alone or together. Times of solitude and hibernation are times of preparation. She flexed her 10 fingers and applied them to 88 keys. She added a few new songs to her repertoire, mixing them with the tried and true standards. When she tired of the piano bench, she picked up the guitar – daily – because once you build those callouses you don’t ever want to lose them and start over. And, still having time on her hands, she unzipped – for the first time in five or more years – her bass case. My, my, the interior of that case smelled so good-almost like opening a book – and the strings felt resonant in her hands. No amp, but she is gonna be hot, hot, hot by the time this pandemic is over. Time to revisit the bucket list. What can you do, during isolation, self-quarantine and physical distancing? May she suggest: Play the piano. Play the guitar. Learn a new instrument. Because that’s what people do in times of trouble. They record the times through art. They make music. You got this! Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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Young man pictured playing guitar alone, outdoors, at proper social distance during pandemic

Horizontal bass rediscovered during pandemic
Horizontal bass rediscovered during pandemic

Second thoughts about a new job, new friends, new town

It will be different this time, she told herself. You are going to a town with a bit of culture – a few events. Oh, not the big time mega concerts found in Denver or Dallas or Salt Lake City, no. But there will be theater and art and live music at all the dining venues and once or twice a year a symphony will come through. First, it would be advantageous to find a job. A fun job. A job that incorporated all the things she loved to do. So she made a list: Visit train and check on job. Visit music stores as soon as possible. Go to all musical and theater events now playing in the area and make yourself known and useful. Make friends. Find people with similar tastes. Accordingly, she opened a bank account the first time she was in town and listened carefully to the advice and connections of the friendly banker. She left with a check register and a list of all the non-profits supporting music and the arts. Shakespearean theater was on the bill for that weekend, but tickets were sold out. Good sign. The second time she was in town, she went to a saloon and acquainted herself with the music of a top-notch turn of the century old-timey champion piano player and resolved to hone her chops.

Adam Swanson, Old-Time Piano Champion, entertains at the Diamond Belle
Adam Swanson, Old-Time Piano Champion, entertains at the Diamond Belle

The third time she availed herself of a Choral Society concert. By then, people were no longer shaking hands. By the time she settled the following week, concerts were being cancelled right and left and public quarantine was in effect. The library closed. Dining venues offered take-out only. Oh well, at least she is more accustomed to being alone than most people. She still sees folks on the hiking trails, they wave, they keep their distance. She smiles. She goes home to her piano. Open window piano music, anyone? And please maintain a 10-foot personal space distance on the patio.

Ten feet puts you outside the window
Ten feet puts you outside the window

Thriving Solo: Things you can do solo

Today’s episode is titled: Things you can do solo. Here’s a quick list:

  1. Take a Hike
  2. Play the piano
  3. Play the guitar
  4. Read a book
  5. Write a book
  6. Eat healthfully
  7. Keep a healthful schedule
  8. Drink water
  9. Talk to friends and family on the phone
  10. Write letters
  11. Watch a movie
  12. Photography
  13. Fishing
  14. Learn to play a new instrument
  15. Take online instruction
  16. Skate
  17. Skateboard
  18. Bicycle
  19. Deep clean and organize
  20. Reimagine and redesign everything from your wardrobe to your entire life

The first ten items on the list are my daily essentials – in order of importance -things I must do every day to survive mentally and emotionally. Following that are some additional activities I want to explore in the coming days, both alone and through this blog. What can you add to the list? Join me next time when I write about Hiking – keep putting one foot in front of the other!

 

 

 

But first, music; This Magic Moment WRF edition

She was back in town for wilderness first responder recertification and I was playing host – sort of recertifying my position as her mom and mentor. A road trip to get her here. Three days of intense training for her whilst I puttered about the apartment. The first evening I hiked to the top of the Sky Steps to meet her and we took a nature trail home together. The second night I ran up the Sky Steps and texted, “I’m at the chimes. Where are you?” A few minutes later she responded, “Bringing a couple classmates home for dinner. We are shuttling cars.” Oh my goodness, I would have to hurry. The only key was in my pocket. I met the three of them walking up the middle of the road, two blocks from the house. Two beefy outdoorsmen of her generation; one in hiking pants, the other in shorts and man-Uggs, looking pure Australian, but speaking Californian. Both had hair as long as my daughter’s. In fact, one had the exact same braid and hair color as my daughter. These were not the college sophomores of ten years ago, no, these were mature and rugged young men. Used to the out-of-doors, used to putting entire physical prowess and brain into every challenge, used to working with the public, guiding, being responsible.

My daughter served us popcorn as an hors d’oeuvres and then the young people headed out to grocery shop and see the town. The meal boded well to be fresh, cast-iron cooked, healthful – – and late.

I stole those solitary minutes as appropriate to play through a piano set and then moved on to guitar. Halfway through The Gambler the shoppers returned. Calistralia’s eyes lit as he entered and he gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up. I proceeded to Killing Me Softly With His Song. Wonder of wonders, he began to sing words – and harmony. In the kitchen, Andrea had scrubbed the sweet potatoes and started them to bake. Concluding my practice time, I turned to the young man and asked, “Do you play guitar?” “I have,” was his succinct reply. That reply told me volumes. Some reshuffling of dinner preparations occurred. We all pitched in. After that interruption, I stepped into the living room and handed him the guitar. Oh my heart, what beauty now emanated from those six strings. Rather than weep, I turned to the other ranger, “Do you play any instruments?” “I am a fire-dancer,” he said.

I tossed him the Remo Fruit Shakes from our china closet. Andrea picked up her mandolin. I moved to the keyboard. Dinner was almost ready. But first: music.

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This Magic Moment

This magic moment, so different and so new, was like any other….and then it happened, it took me by surprise, I knew that you felt it too, by the look in your eyes…

I love the idea of magic moments. May they increase. May you have many magic moments in time. Go ahead, seek them. Chase the magic. Some are lucky enough to experience a magic moment that does, indeed, spark a lifetime relationship. But in my experience, magic moments are not “forever to the end of time.” They are moments. They burst on you unexpectedly. They sparkle. They blaze. They are gone. You return to your day job. Magic, intrinsically, is temporary.

More often than not, my magic moments are associated with the making of music.

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Denim Corsets and Fashion Ennui

Really, was it any surprise when the chest spasms seized her somewhere on the lonely road between Page and Kaibeto? She straightened her posture, took a few measured breaths, felt no constriction and slackened not her pace.

She had been under a lot of stress for the past few days. Leaving a job. Packing a Subaru to the gills. Traveling 260 miles. Return. Repeat. And then of course, the last straw when the Subaru, fully loaded complete with car top carrier, coughed and died and left her renting a U-haul truck and repacking her final load. Nonetheless, repack she did.

She slept and got a fresh start the next morning; showered, pulled on her skinny Levis and flannel shirt so as to look respectable when returning her condo key; sallied forth in a 15-foot truck.

Again a spasm hit and she reflected for a moment on being 65. She had now out-lived her grandmother by 5 months – the maternal grandmother who succumbed to heart disease at 65. She took stock of her vitals again as she continued to drive. No difficulty breathing. No pain in the left shoulder or arm. Refreshing, deep breaths.

She ate an apple – that will keep the doctor away – and wondered if she should be eating anything at all given the spasms. Should you eat before a massive coronary? If you gotta go, massive and instant would be the way to go.

Six more times a contraction hit, a bit like Braxton Hicks, strong enough to make her involuntarily say, “ouch,” and suck in her breath.

Somewhere outside of Shonto she reached down and flipped the latch on her web belt, released the button on her 711s, and relaxed the zipper by two inches.

She hasn’t had a chest spasm since. Denim corsets, who knew?

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