The clichés of leadership.

I once had an out-going executive director tell me I didn’t have the balls to be the new executive director. And you know what? She was right. I second-guess myself. I am too compassionate. I give so many benefits of the doubt I can hang a jury. I think too much about what other people think; more accurately; what other people feel.

In short, when I am effective, I feel guilty.

I have functioned, at various times, as assistant to the Executive Director, assistant to the CEO, assistant to the GM, assistant, or substitute, or surrogate to just about every sort of leader you can imagine. I am a darn good second fiddle and I know it – feel confident about it. But when you are the second, the back-up, the assistant to any type leader, sooner or later you are going to have to make the hard decisions, buck-up, be effective.

Not only do you have to be effective in the absence of the leader, more importantly, you have to be effective at your own job so your leader doesn’t have to take charge of that too.

A couple months ago I effectively motivated an employee. I am learning not to feel guilty for succeeding. Today, I terminated the employment of another sales associate. This is not the first time I have had to terminate an employee and I am learning to be firm but gracious, to do what has to be done and to not let it ruin my day.

Another skill that I fear few leaders have truly mastered is the skill of managing one’s own self care. This can be a huge blind spot for those prone to workaholism.

The other night afterhours as I heard my officemate gathering up her things and preparing to leave, I sped up the pace of my keyboarding, thinking to go out the door with her.

What I meant to say was, “I’m almost done, be right there.”

But what actually came out of my mouth was, “I can quit any time I want to.”

She gave me that look – the one that means, “Did you hear what you just said?”

Yes. Yes I did. And I thought about it as I feverishly placed orders and answered emails for another hour.

I need to stop feeling guilty when I only work half a day on my day off. Honestly, the work will never be all done and I must learn to walk away and come back refreshed and work twice as smart.

After all: I’m not addicted to work, I can quit any time I want to.

The worst two years of my life

We all have years like that, times we would rather forget, places we never revisit in our minds.

Recently, I was able to catch up with a former colleague. Not just any former officemate, but someone who had made a difference in my life – made me a better person, improved my perspective on the world in general. You know the type, the go-to person in your organization, the recognized leader whether boss or peer. Unfortunately, they are rare. Yet fortunately for me, I can count a handful over the years.

On my way to a degree in organizational management, we talked about these folks, learned they were not necessarily the ones with the title (although they can be) but the ones with competence, professionalism, character – the real leaders regardless of rank – the influencers.

It is always a good idea to be on cordial terms with coworkers. Just like houseguests, some make us happy by their coming and others by their going. According to a textbook with the scary title, “Praxis of Organizational Health,” research shows it is the people you work with who govern your perception of whether you rank it a good job or a bad job.

I spent a few years working alongside a boss who was so diplomatic it was said he could tell someone they were wrong and do it in such a way they left feeling complimented. You naturally want to keep touch with someone like that, to continue to enjoy the mentorship crumbs that fall from the table.

I am also fortunate to have had colleagues who made a job bearable because of their presence, demeanor, personality, sense of humor, and commitment to excellence. Such was the colleague with whom I recently reconnected. I attempted to convey my gratitude for his positive influence.

“Thank you for saying that,” he responded with quiet emotion, “those were the worst two years of my life.”

Yet, during those same two years, he had made my job covetable. I want to be like that. I want it to be inherent in my character.

Heartaches happen; losses, divorces, deaths, illnesses, false accusations, rejections – the worst year or years of our life. May they be kept to a minimum.

Yet even in my own misery, may I go on making the world a better place for others.