Thinking too much; far from being the opposite of feeling too much; is a result of analyzing and organizing my feelings – plumbing the depths of my heart.
Hell or Love
There are many times I have been in need of a confessor. Someone to whom I can spill out my guilt. One who will not be shocked; who will not tell me that if I just leave off sinning and do it the right way everything will right itself. Ah, you will protest, “We no longer need a high priest. You can go straight to Jesus.”
But that is precisely who I cannot touch.
So, instead, I will step inside the confessional, the inner closet of my heart; draw the curtain and in the quiet I will weep and rage. Finally, blubbering, I will whisper,
“Father, I am troubled.”
“Speak what is on your mind, my child.”
“What would you do if your boyfriend said to you,
‘You will marry me or I will make your life miserable’?”
“My daughter, nowadays we know to run fast from this type of man. He is the type of man who will also make your life miserable if you DO marry him.”
“Well, what if your family says,
‘Don’t you love your mother? Don’t you love your grandma? Your Mom and Grandma are going to be in agony for the rest of their lives unless you marry him’?”
“Child, you cannot be held responsible for the feelings of your mother and grandmother.”
“But, my mind and heart are such a morass of guilt, shame and confusion.”
“Why are you so troubled, daughter. Have you already given yourself to this man?”
“Yes, yes I did once. It was a long time ago. They told me he would send me to hell if I did not accept a relationship with him.”
“Gasp, but did they say nothing of love?”
“Yes, they told me I had to love him with my whole heart or be lost.”
“But did they say nothing of his love for you?”
“Oh, yes, they said I was not worthy of that kind of love.”
“But child, God is love.”
“They told me I couldn’t get to God unless I loved the man first.”
“But you believe in God anyway?”
“Yes, but I still struggle with the son.”
“Did they not tell you that the father and the son are one? You have been told that to get to the father you come through the son. Does not it follow that when you come to the father, you are coming to the son?”
“But that’s not what they said!”
“It doesn’t matter what they said, daughter, it matters what you know. Do you know God?”
“Oh yes, as creator, the essence of which everything is made. The spirit by which everything is held together.”
“And how have you found God to be?”
“God is love.”
“Have you ever considered that really love is all you need?”
“I would like to believe that, but sometimes I can’t feel love at all.”
“It’s not something you have to do at all, child. It is something I do. My love is big enough. My love is all you need.”