Category Archives: Character

Character, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Spiritual Well Being, Travel, Work

I want to die in a beautiful place – The Ghost of Christmas Future

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I want to die in a beautiful place.

That’s my long-term goal.

Since most of us do not know where or when we will die, I have to make some short term-goals that insure my long-term goal comes to fruition.  Therefore;

I want to work in a beautiful place.

I want to live in a beautiful place.

I want to travel and see beautiful places.

I want to be happy.

I want to be at peace.

There were times in the not so distant past when I walked along a beach and said, “Now God?  Could I just die now amidst all this beauty?” But that was not to be, so I continue to make sure I frequent beautiful places and take inspiring walks.

Until recently, I was not bold enough to confess that I want to be happy, nor did I  realize how much peace and happiness depend on my own choices or actions.

And always, I continue to explore what is meant by love.

I want to die in a beautiful place.

Until then, I want to live a life of love, happiness and peace.

That is going to take much thinking and a good deal of writing.

Onward!  To 2015!

Character, Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

Solitary, Solitude, Single – Conversations with the Ghost of Christmas Present

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Ah, ghost of Christmas Present, you are inescapably linked to the Ghost of Christmas Past!  Everything in the past informs the present. Even the peanut butter fudge of the past casts an appearance on the waistline of the present.  And so, precisely because there were melancholy times in the past, I am alone in the Present.

Yet, precisely because there were good times in the Past, I am melancholy in my aloneness. Ghost of Christmas Present, let us linger for a moment over the fabulous times in memory and why they inform the loneliness of the present.  See the children, beautiful, talented, sensitive, intuitive children frolicking in the snow. See them performing in candlelight and on stages; watch as they open a crazy kind of warm winter clothing called cabin cozies in anticipation of acquiring a cabin.  See the giggles and hugs and thank yous received for just the right gift – just the right need met with some thoughtful act on Christmas Eve or Morn.  Ah, Ghost.  Did you even consider that the deep joys of that present would cause the deep yearning of the empty nest?

No.  Because, rightly so, we were present in that moment, not straining ahead to the future. Because I was a big part of that planning and anticipation and acquiring of a cabin, two children now have a quaint little cabin in which to make merry for the holidays, though I am no longer included in that merrymaking. Because I had children early in life, I now have grandchildren- and they are near enough to enjoy weekly.

So, Ghost of Christmas Present, what do I want today? 

  • To be present in my life as it is now
  • To be at peace
  • To be happy

These are not things you merely wait for, cloistered in your room. Admittedly, there are times I have to make myself go out – make myself take my fun like medicine.  To be at peace and to be happy requires large doses of beauty. I needed beauty recently so I made myself go to The Nutcracker.  I took time to dress up and I am glad I did even though nobody dresses anymore. The casting was superb, the dancers exquisite, the music soothing. Have you considered what an advantage it is to go out alone, to the symphony, when there is a single seat available front and center?

There have been other successes this year as well. In daily life, I manage a bookstore / gift store – a most covetable position for a writer, author and people-watcher. Over two separate weeks of vacation, I entered heartily into travel, visiting Zion, Bryce, Mesa Verde, Capitol Reef, Arches, Canyonlands, Hovenweep, Canyon of the Ancients, Black Canyon, and Petroglyph National Parks and Monuments. I slept four nights in my Subaru. I hiked all 46 miles of trails in Colorado National Monument as well as trails in the parks mentioned and numerous trails the length of Western Colorado.  This is good, for there is nothing quite like hiking for keeping me in the present, at peace and happy – unless it is music.

Music continues to engage me in the present as well as bringing peace and happiness.  The public performances have been fewer, the private more numerous. However, the public performances of my three grown children have increased and the young musicians I raise in the present are my grandchildren.

Walk on, weary traveler, in search of truth and beauty. In that way will you find peace and happiness and the ability to be present in your life as it is now.

 

 

 

 

 

Character, Emotional Health, Holidays and Traditions, Music and Theatre

Dear Ghost of Christmas Past

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Dear Ghost of Christmas Past,

I know you so well. I know that you love pecans and peanut butter fudge and reading good books while sitting by a wood fire.  I love the way your eyes brighten and you look your best, invigorated and alive, in the great out-of-doors; snow covering your boots, up to your calves, even your knees. We have a lot of history. We have made beautiful music together haven’t we, Ghost?  Christmas after Christmas, pleasant harmonies with two or four or twelve or 56.  Yes, Ghost of Christmas Past, I remember producing, costuming, directing, acting in holiday theatre.  What about the years as parade announcer, narrator?  And oh!  Remember the events? Sitting in the audience for Disney on Ice, The Nutcracker, The Colorado Symphony Orchestra and the spectacular Colorado Children’s Chorale. Remember the Conifer High School Marching Band freezing before the parade and marching gingerly over the ice so as not to fall and dent shiny tubas, mellophones and flags? And before that, remember a blond-haired 13-year-old standing in a tux and spotlight on the stage at Boettcher Concert Hall soloing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” I had almost forgotten.  Thank you, thank you, Ghost of Christmas Past for this journey down memory lane. There have been lean years and one or two fat years. I have loved the finding and giving just the right gift and hated the stress of being unable to find the right gift; chafed at the loneliness of buying my own gift after I got over the self-pity of not having any gifts at all; hated not being able to afford the right gift for the right people or wood for the warmth of growing children. As I said, we have a lot of history. And then, there were the tears; seasons of parting and temporary good-byes that turned out to be permanent. But the tears I remember most are the tears of surprised joy. Remember that year?  The year I learned it was possible to cry from overwhelming love and beauty?  I was thirteen and feeling displaced in so many ways. Poorer than usual, I steeled myself for an empty Christmas.  I expected nothing. And then someone gifted me a small piece of costume jewelry – a rhinestone pin in the shape of a trumpet and I was undone.  As if the gift was not enough, we were hustled about to put on our coats and hop in the car. Tickets. Tickets to the Ice Capades. That Christmas exceeded my wildest dreams.  Why?  Because someone, there in my universe, knew me so well. You know me, Ghost of Christmas Past, as well as I know you. But I cannot live there in the past, and that too I know so well.

The Dickens Carolers somewhere around the late 90s
The Dickens Carolers somewhere around the late 90s
Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being

Memories of the Past

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“Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”  Elizabeth Bennet in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.

I have a friend who is expert at moving on.  Make that, moving on and succeeding.  If anyone wins at life she does. Dealt a series of unfortunate relationships, she is still able to plot and plan for the future and surface on top.  Is she always cheerful, effervescent?  Hardly.  Is she in robust physical and mental health? Negative.  But she is able to embrace – to acknowledge the good in her memories of past relationships.  That makes it possible for her to savor past good while moving forward into the unknown.  Part of this is due to a no nonsense course of forgiveness.  Instead of continuing mired down in failure, she yet has hope in mankind and man in particular.

For me, it is frequently dangerous to embrace the good memories.  I might slide down the slippery slope to my past. I am still stalled at the idea that forgiveness means overlooking or forgetting and going back to the way things were. I like to do things right.  I am mortified when I do something wrong.  I am a great fixer. I feel I need to begin again at the stage things began to go wrong. I am Don Quixotic in my need to right the un-rightable wrong; straighten all the crooked rugs of my wake; square everything up to perfection.

Over and over I need reminders: Move forward.  Onward.  Forgive.

Quit using your freedom as an opportunity to repeat the past. Or as biblical wisdom indicates; you are called to freedom!  How do you again return to the beggarly way you used to live?

To think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure, is most certainly healing – maybe not reconciling. In my current WIP (work in progress) – my casual attempt to run alongside  NaNoWriMo – the main character is exploring the idea of forgiveness and moving forward.  How about you?  Do you wallow in the past?  Or do you think only of the past as the memory brings you pleasure?

Character, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life

2014 Manifesto

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It may have taken me 10 months to formulate, but yesterday while hiking the Perimeter of Ouray Colorado, I was able to articulate a goal, a resolution for this year.

I want to live for beauty not money;

Be driven by love rather than affirmation;

Walk for inspiration rather than exercise.

My clothes, my belongings;

Are for beauty, love, adventure; not for status or vanity.

Of course, all the nots sometimes come along with the beauty, love, and inspiration.

In September, I got much needed new hiking treads.
In September, I got much needed new hiking treads.

In October, I stepped unsuspecting into mud nearly to my knees.  New and shiny to unrecognizable in less than 30 days.

DSCN0762muddy

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life

Guys, Hey Guys, Can We Just Be Friends?

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I cannot tell you how bland, uneventful, or one-opinion-sided life can be with only female friends.  So guys,  I need you in my life.  Can we be friends?

There is nothing quite like working or socializing with someone who “gets it,” intellectually or intuitively.  Confidence, as they say, is sexy.  So is knowledge and intelligence. Compassion. Kindness. Professionalism.  I want this chemistry in my relationships with the male gender. Actually, I consider myself blessed when chemistry like that happens in my female friendships, too.

But there is a huge difference.  I don’t go into female friendships thinking, “how long can we trade ideas, enjoy each other’s company, before this turns into a physical commitment?”  Honestly, I crave physical intimacy too.  But what I want is a whole relationship, not just the physical part.   And I will never know how ennobling male / female relationships can be if I don’t have a chance to observe you in action, discuss ideas, compare notes.

I am a strong and capable independent woman.  There are times you are strong where I am weak – usually in matters of physical exertion, such as removing a lug nut. But please don’t condescend to me, begin to instruct in all disciplines, act lordly or expect my undying adoration just because you had the brute strength or extra height to fix an engine or place something on a tall shelf.

There are times I am strong where you are weak.  My strengths lie in areas of intuitive analysis, financial responsibility, spatial harmony, social appropriateness, artistic design. Maybe yours do too.  Perhaps we overlap in some strengths.  That’s good. It makes for more common ground and understanding. Please acknowledge my strengths instead of assuming male superiority in all areas of life.

I can also be strong where I would rather be gentle such as resisting physical advances.  Inevitably that strength comes at a cost. I buckle on my self-control. My armor appears leathery and standoffish.

It seems like the male relationships I have cultivated these past few years have been with younger men. Largely because I feel safe with a man half my age and can treat him like a son.  I can discuss a wide range of topics, try on differing opinions, banter, spar with vocabulary and innovative ideas, truly love and be loved and no one gets emotionally unhealthy.  No one gets hurt because no one has expectations -especially me.

There is so much I want and need to learn from men. I am not only intensely loyal, I am willing to give friendship back wholeheartedly.  Can we just be friends?  Can we share encouraging hugs and deep thoughts as I do with my girlfriends?  Can we really esteem and ennoble, maybe even transform each other?  Guys, I am longing to know, can we just be friends?

 

 

Character, Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

But I feel loved

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My necklace and my earrings don’t match, but I feel loved. It has taken me a long time to admit this, but gifts are one of my love languages. According to experts on the subject, there are five different love languages; words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. As I once told a counselor, I am adaptable. I would be happy to receive love in any of the languages. For many years, there was silence.

Growing up, service was deemed the paramount love language. The only type of worthy quality time was time spent in service. I understand some of the reasons for this bias. Service does not cost anything but time and effort. My family did not have the monetary wherewithal to engage in the language of gifts. I was taught to serve and serve I did – to the point I assumed service was my primary love language.

When I first began to see that I loved and longed to receive gifts, I felt guilty. Because – said the unwritten rules – to crave gifts was to be materialistic.

When I acknowledged I had a penchant for wanting to give gifts; a knack for running a gift store that specialized in finding just the right gift for the important people in life; I finally woke to the fact that gifts must be my love language.

Some years ago, my sister-n-law gifted me a set of turquoise earrings, a genuine act of love as she likes the stone as well as I and could have kept them for herself. For a milestone birthday, a cousin delivered a delicate pearl and diamond pendant. Lovely. A proper gift from lord to lady, but I have no husband, so family filled the gap. These days, if I am having a particularly lonely or insecure morning, I dress with care for work. I fasten on my necklace; thread the turquoise dangles through my earlobes.

My necklace and earrings don’t match, but I feel loved. Thus fortified, I sally forth to conquer the world.

Character, Family, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth

Taking Care of Yourself

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This is my belated college roommate experience, the one folks swear you must complete before you can relate in harmony as an adult – just like growing up with siblings. Two weeks ago I moved from solo dwelling on a couple acres to house-sharing with two teachers.

Welcome to my suite life where things are a good deal more glorified than your average college dorm or apartment share.  For one thing, we each have our own private room and our own private bathroom.  We live with traditional proper decorum; Guys on one level, Gals on the other.

In the kitchen, we share common ground. Three bottles of olive oil are tucked into three separate corners. Three bulbs of garlic reside in respective baskets and bowls.  The fridge is stuffed with fresh produce on designated sides. We are consciously healthy-living in diverse ways.

At 7:00 a.m. we converge and diverge.

Me (bustling into kitchen):  Need oatmeal

She (groaning): Need coffee

He (chopping fresh vegetables):  Need smoothie

That is a brief and accurate description of our personalities.

And they all lived happily ever after, because each got for herself / himself  what she or he needed. 

Character, Family, Goals and Dreams, Uncategorized

Moving Conversations

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Me:  Dear friends and family, I am moving to forward my financial future and commence my bucket list. By house sharing with a couple teachers, I can pay off my student loan faster, keep the car in repair and maybe even travel more; rather than living solo in a place I love but barely making ends meet.

Cousin one:  Great financial plan

Cousin two:  Good business thinking

Sister-In-Law: Your decision is unquestionably the right and responsible one.

Brother:  The opportunity is great.

Daughter:  Positive move.  I see you living in community.

Friend: I absolutely love how you’re taking great care of yourself.

Parents:  If you need a place to stay you could move into your old room.

Sometime later:

Me:  The way I see it, I can either pay professional movers $275 to move my piano 5 miles, or, I can buy dinner for three strong men with a truck.

Woman One:  You need to throw in a six-pack.

Woman Two:  Please don’t ask my husband to help.

Friend: I can get a male friend with a truck.

Parents (80 years old):  We will help in any way you ask us to.

Me: Thank you, Mom and Dad.  I need you to go to Chipotle at 5:00 p.m. and pick up the meal for the movers.

Parents:  Okay, we will be there at 4:30 to help you move the piano.

Cousin: I have the necessary equipment. A good piano dolly, an enclosed trailer with low floor, ramp tailgate, and good straps to secure it. . .Sorry I am 1100 miles away.

Oh, the irony.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Fiction is Truth, Religion, Spiritual Well Being

Patti Hill, Gilbert Grape and One Tin Soldier

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When I first saw the movie, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape,” I sat and wept quietly at its conclusion.  My brother, a fan of the film, questioned my tears. “It has a happy ending,” he argued. But I could not bear the relentless burden of caretaking and parenting of a parent that Gilbert was called on to carry.

I feel the same crushing weight for Amy in Patti Hill’s story, “The Queen of Sleepy Eye. “ The mother is relentless in her dependence on Amy.  No 17-year-old should be called on to raise a parent.    This type of dependence demands boundaries, but it is a bit ticklish for an underage child to set them and still remain respectful to the parent. But here’s the rub; Amy herself is not perfect.  She scolds.  Some of her actions are scoldable.  She judges and her pride goes before a fall. Been there, done that.  I’ve also made promises with the best of good will and self-control and then broken them.

This is a book every Christian should read. Using your children for your own glory or sustenance is a theme oft repeated in life.  Manipulation is a tool frequently employed by many parents, but not often acknowledged in Christian fiction – which this is.

The first third of this book reads like a textbook psychology case study.  The later portions are for Christians only.  Were you raised steeped in the same type of Christianity as I was?  A few decades ago, we would have grieved for every last character as they fell from Grace. With tears in our eyes, we would have shaken the dust off our feet and moved on just like some of the church people in Hill’s book.  But the ending Patti Hill crafts is an ending where, with the reader’s sympathy and understanding, the characters fell into Grace.

And oh, how I loved the hippies, and Patti’s portrayal of Paonia.  Wait, that was Paonia, wasn’t it?  And I know these church people, which, unfortunately, is why I shy away from Christian fiction these days.

Are you a baby-boomer?  Do yourself a favor and read this book.  It will resonate like “Forrest Gump,” or “Gilbert Grape,” or “One Tin Soldier.”