Category Archives: Character

Addiction, Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, The Rules, Uncategorized

The case of the tragic M&Ms

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A handful of M&Ms sat side by side in a cut glass bowl.  They are tempting, and offered to me repeatedly – even urged on me.  I decline. But, everybody loves chocolate, you will say. And you are right.  Even I love chocolate, but I am allergic. Ah, you murmur, “that is tragic.” Not so. A simple, specific food allergy is something you can remedy immediately.  A tragedy leaves you helpless, wounded, hopeless. 

The M&Ms treasured in my antique heirloom bowl stand for misunderstanding and misinformation; miscommunication and misguided. I once knew an older woman who would attempt to mend broken relationships with the platitude, “It doesn’t matter. That was just a misunderstanding.”  To which I say, “It does matter!” It was far more than misunderstanding.  No amount of re-phrasing will clear up misguided misinformation!”

A few weeks ago, Novel Matters linked up a video presentation on cultural misunderstandings of poverty vs middle class vs affluence. You might think of it as the tragic case of M&Ms and Money. It was hugely informative to understanding the differences in background we bring to relationships.  Listening to Dr Ruby Payne speak cast an illuminating spotlight back over the decades of my upbringing and subsequent relationships.   I found myself thinking, “if I had only known.”

Money, as researchers have told us over and over, is one of the major conflict triggers in  relationships. We could probably recite the list together:  Money, Children, In-laws, Sex, Expectations, Religion….  For this post the other one that makes the list of tragic M&Ms is Marital intimacy.

Rarely do I agree 100% with a speaker, book or movie. I wonder how many relationships could be salvaged, healed or immunized if the video that follows went viral?  True to the 2,000 year legacy of the name, Mars Hill, the video that follows clears up misinformed, misguided, misunderstood, miscommunicated belief.

If you are a woman who has been shamed for desire, suffered the contempt of those who were misinformed, or deprived by pornography; let the healing begin.

Let Him Kiss Me

Character, Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Yesterday, I saw my grandmother in the mirror

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The days have come and gone when I looked in the mirror and said “Hello, Mother!”  We’ve all heard the jokes. We women past a certain age have experienced that momentary start – seeing ourselves at the same age we vividly remember the face of our mother. The first time I saw my mother’s face in the mirror, I put on a bit more makeup and got a new hairstyle.

Yesterday, when I looked in the mirror, I saw my grandmother.  This is no insult. Grandma died at the young age of 65; having had no time to go gray. Her wits and energy  were still about her. The age at which I remember most vividly her daily influence on my life, is about my current age.

So, yesterday, with hair pulled back from my face and wound into a bun in preparation for a facial, I looked in the mirror, straight into my grandmother’s eyes. Yes, they were tired.  But they were tired from bold adventure.  They were Magna Carta eyes.  Eyes that came over on the Mayflower, with a faint trace of lips that said, “Speak for yourself, John.”

The face I was looking at was that of a woman who knows how to make school clothes and curtains from whatever is at hand, can fruits and vegetables in preparation for winter, knead and bake bread, teach school, ride a horse, plant and plow. She has bathed in the kitchen in water heated on a woodstove, made a home from houses old and new and loves to travel. She taught her sons how to throw and catch a softball and football, started her own business, wrote and published a book, and loves to roll with and support the creative endeavors of her children.

Oh wait.  I don’t think that last sentence applies to my grandmother.

Why then, do the young men smirk when I take my own car in for an oil change?  Why condescend when I ask – and pay – for help with a new car key?

Character, Emotional Health, Music and Theatre, Spiritual Well Being

The end to a perfect evening

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It was this solo girl’s idea of a perfect night out.  Okay, so maybe I am a bit too far advanced past a certain age to be called a girl, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was a great evening.  An Evening Under the Stars; out of doors, professional music, free admission.  I was off work by four-thirty, with time for online research while dining on a greens salad topped with chicken tenders. There were even a few parking places left way out by the tennis courts when I arrived.

The Centennial Band was concluding the first piece while I found a comfortable space between families, couples and other solo folks. We settled in to be delighted by the usual Americana and Sousa fare offered at an outdoor concert in the park. When Centennial Band polished off the marches with a decided flourish, a local blue grass band filled the gap while the stage shuffled to make room for strings and added a few principals to form the Grand Junction Symphony Orchestra.

Attired in a casual T-shirt and jeans, Maestro Gustafson conducted the orchestra through a gentle and pleasing repertoire. At the stroke of twilight, the concert was over – not too long and not too short.  On second thought; perhaps an encore might have put the plural in the words, An Evening Under the Star(s). After a leisurely walk back to the car on a warm and mild August night, I began the drive home.  

How is it that a concert never seems complete without ice cream after? On impulse, I took the drive-through at Burger King, the last possible chance for fast food. Surely, I could splurge one dollar to make the evening complete. “That will be 54 cents at the second window,” chirped the voice.  Then began the challenge to consume soft serve faster than it melts while also negotiating 5 on the floor shifting.

I am constantly amazed at the clarity and brilliance of the stars as seen from my own driveway. I decided to finish my ice cream cone outside in the moon glow and starlight.

Meanwhile, I must remind you that I am a very conscientious, dependable, resourceful and prepared person. Yes, I carry a measuring tape in my purse, a drum key, two guitar picks and a P38 can opener in my wallet. I have kept a sleeping bag in my car ever since two stranded motorists froze to death in Denver in 1998. I like to travel off the beaten path – my tent also remains as cargo.  You know; shelter in case of delay or breakdown.  Depending on the season, either my hiking boots or walking shoes are stored in the car.  I am acquainted with snow drifts and road hazards. Because I have had experience living at high elevation and commuting, my car stays well equipped with essentials. Why, just the other day someone commented, “you must have been a Girl Scout.”  I take that as a compliment. 

The rest of the story I balanced the sticky remainder of the ice cream cone in my left hand.  Already the cream had soaked through the bottom of the cone.  I unlatched the driver’s side door and shoved it with my elbow. With my right hand I removed the key from the ignition to stop the infernal beeping.  Carefully thinking ahead, I reached my right hand under the steering wheel to pop the locks switch so I could grab my purse and jacket from the passenger side later. Drinking in the beauty of the moonlight and stars, I leaned against the side of the car and finished my ice cream. I wiped my sticky hands and sauntered to the opposite side of the car, lingering and star gazing. Sigh.  “I’d better go on in.” I pulled the handle on the passenger side. It was locked.  But, I specifically remembered UNlocking everything. I hurried to the driver’s side.  Locked.  The tailgate.  Locked. Back door to the house.  Locked.  Front door of the house locked.

Picture this.  At 9:30 p.m. I am standing in my yard in my dress shorts, tank top and casual shoes. I am locked out of my house because my house keys are locked in my car.  No problem, I reassure myself. I can sleep outside. I have all survival essentials, blanket, two jackets, shelter…LOCKED in my car.  I weigh my options.  9:30 is not an economical time to call a locksmith. Forget that. My phone is in the car.

I could break into my car. I could break into my house.  I could walk two miles to my son’s house. But, I  am supposed to be at work at 8:30 in the morning and my work clothes are in the house. Come to think of it, my walking shoes and my hiking boots are – wait for it – locked in the car.

A quick inventory of outside tools reveals a vintage metal garbage can, a Christmas tree stand and a storage tub full of abandoned boffers and miscellaneous camp-cooking gear. I was inside the house and dusting myself off within 10 minutes.

No longer do I fear the thieves, vagrants and pranksters. It is I who am a formidable danger – to myself.

Character, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Music and Theatre, Poverty, Uncategorized

Make music or make a living?

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Is it true that you can’t follow your heart and still make enough money to live on?

How many musicians labor, toil, worry, and obsess about that?  How many suffer the regular admonitions of those more responsible folks around us who tell us to be sensible, you’ll never make money as a musician?

“You lads and lasses should always remember that 24 record companies turned the Beatles down and that John’s Aunt Mimi said, ‘The guitar’s all very well, John, but you’ll never earn a living with it.’”

Is it true?  Must I find something non-creative, less artistic, by which to earn a living?

At the moment, I am beginning a full-time job that aligns with my other education and hobbies; my organizational fastidiousness, love of walking and out-door beauty, fascination with history and what makes people tick. But while I give wholehearted effort at the office for 40 or more hours each week, will I give up my music?

No way.  I will continue to raise young musicians.  I will continue to play and sing for others every chance I get. I’m not going to let go of that piano anytime soon. That would be to rip out a part of my heart and soul.  Besides – I’ll let you in on a secret:

Over the years I have made more money in music than any other avenue I have ever worked. Am I often a starving musician?  Yes. but I have been able to make much needed money off this gig ever since I was 15.

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Character, Emotional Health, Family, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Why hermits should sing

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Singing is aerobic. Aerobic activity releases endorphins which promote a feeling of well-being. A feeling of well-being brings happiness. Yes, singing requires an intake of oxygen which is invigorating.  A couple of years back, when I was singing with the quartet, I had to remember to finish practicing well before 8:00 o’clock in the evening if I wished to get to sleep on time.  You may have experienced the same cause and effect if you play a wind instrument.

Talking is a somewhat aerobic activity.  They say friendship talking releases endorphins. Perhaps that is because we feel connected, or maybe because of the intake of added oxygen.  I was reminded of this Thursday night on the way back from an outdoor concert.  My cousin and I rode in the back seat to chat while her husband drove and a friend rode in the passenger seat.  The stars were brilliant and we reminisced about a similar night sky when she was seven and I six years old.  The olde tyme simplicity of conversation left me feeling great.  A delightful evening well spent.  Singing or talking can become downright intoxicating.

Frankly, since I live single, I don’t get a frequent chance to talk just for the sake of getting historic.  No problem. Walking or hiking is also an aerobic activity. Walking in the great outdoors, getting a bit of exercise out in nature is another essential for that feeling of well-being.

So, here’s what I am thinking:  Unless hermits hike about their caves all day long, they need to be about the business of singing.  Obviously, they don’t have cousin Coni to talk with.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

When networking with friends is wonderful

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I reconnected with a high school classmate, someone I had not seen for forty years. We were never close in high school, but I knew her well enough for several years to feel that she was a solid person and probably was unchanged in essential ways like integrity and sense.

We now get together two or three times a year. We have an uncanny list of things in common. It would be fun to get together often. But, the years have run their course and no matter where we move, we continue to be separated by a few hundred miles.

As our friendship was re-forming, she offered me a side job representing her in a minor way. I was honored that she thought of me.  The duties required a good deal of trust. Though I am sure this was one of her reasons for re-initiating the acquaintance, she did not drop me like a hot potato when I declined.

Unlike the various relationships I criticized in my “Why I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing,” posts; our friendship has continued – without either of us trying to manipulate the other with shame for not meeting expectations; without using and discarding; and certainly without added isolation. Friendships are wonderful. Networking can have great result. Do it right! It is not necessary to use friendships only for personal gain and discard them when no longer needed. 

Character, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Poverty, Religion, Uncategorized

Why I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing, Part Four: Isolation

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Why do I loathe network marketing and friendship evangelism? It makes me feel isolated, like I really am the only one.

Nothing depresses me more than unrelenting poverty. When I have done my best, beat the streets, thought of every angle (and it is acknowledged I think too much) – and I don’t know where the rent is coming from at the end of the month – or even where my next full meal is coming from, I am more ready to throw in the towel than at any other time.  Relentless bills.  Poverty.

At this end of the rope phase, I consider all the possibilities, I put the word out to friends and family that I am job-hunting. An old family friend calls, “We have a job opportunity where I work.  Come by the office and see me.”  It sounds entry level, but I am ready to do anything.  I will wash dishes, clean toilets, take out the trash before I will go delinquent on my bills, be homeless, or especially before I will use my piano for firewood.

I arrive at the appointed time.  There are pleasantries of getting to know each other once again. Then my friend introduces a way to add to my income; a plan by which I can make money by sharing a multi-level marketing plan.

Can we have a sincere relationship, please? Okay, I know you brought me here to share a good thing with me, not to give you a lesson in  logic, but consider this:  Your product saves money only if I have been using the most expensive services out there. I am already as frugal as common sense can make me.

Many of these plans are wonderful for making extra money – particularly if they are products you buy anyway and you are essentially co-oping. But, if hard times are already standing so close to your door you have eliminated toothpaste or hair conditioner or food from your budget, you are not looking for a way to earn extra money, you need immediate basic money.  The secret is not in a better budget, or better product. The secret is earning money to budget.

You see, I already have a way to earn extra money – it is called persistent music and writing. If I devote as much time and effort to music gigs and free-lance writing jobs as it would take to make cold calls and pursue old friends long forgotten (only for the sake of recruiting them); I assure you, I will make as much extra money working my passion as I would working your multi-level program. 

With regard to friendship evangelists and net-work marketers; I am sad. I really wanted your friendship and friendship is something you didn’t think to give me until you had a money motive or an honor and reputation motive.  You saw me as an opportunity for another notch in your belt.

And now, I am done ranting about the disappointments, shame, isolation; and the used and discarded feeling of Friendship Evangelism and Net-Work Marketing.

Next posts: some friendship networking that builds genuine lifelong friendships.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing: Part III, used and discarded

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The place was Nashville. The reason?  Dove awards. Already that year I had been to Christian Artist’s Seminar in the Rockies and CBA Convention. I was a songwriter. My goal was to make and maintain friendships in the music publishing industry.  I had no money to do this on my own, but some mentors who had succeeded in publishing wanted the best for me and arranged for me to be there.

I bolstered my confidence and utter aloneness by dressing for success and headed toward the convention hotel lobby and breakfast. She must have been watching for the likes of me. Her reason for being in Nashville was a business trip with her husband. They had the wealth associated with Texas oil.  Awhile back she had written a few stanzas of lyrics that ought to be made into a song. When she arrived in Nashville and found a songwriter’s convention was afoot, she secured a premium, at the door, ticket and waltzed right in; sat right down.

Her friendliness was disarming.  She wanted to know everything about the music industry. “You’ve done this before?” she asked.  “Tell me everything you know.  Come on, I’ll buy you breakfast.”  Always ready to help and always ready to share knowledge, I followed her into the breakfast lounge. Also, always considerate of budget – mine or others-I ordered a modest muesli. She had an entrée with sides.

As the time allocated for breakfast drew to a close, a music executive whom I knew from previous conventions stopped by and greeted me.  I made introductions. My erstwhile breakfast companion rose and attached herself to him as he exited the breakfast room.  Guess who picked up the tab?

I felt used and discarded. I do not like friendship solely for network marketing.

Character, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing; Part II Undeserved Shame

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Last time, I wrote that disappointment, was one reason I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing. I am an introvert who responds well to the gregarious nature of extroverts.

Oh, I can smile generously and be well mannered, even friendly from the get go.  Stranger or not, I will help you in the moment and we can work together and have fun together. You are welcome in my pool of 50 or more people I am getting to know better; but the minute I feel you are using me, that you pursued the relationship only to recruit me, I am done.

Do not try to manipulate me for your own goals and headcount. Goals, manipulation, headcount, another football decal on your helmet, a notch in your belt; are the reasons I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing.

If I find you have something good to offer, some talent or product, I will not hesitate to pass on your name or promote you. But I will not be bought or pressured. Don’t try to shame, manipulate or cajole a commitment out of me.

Many years ago we answered the knock at the door to find a magazine salesperson. The kind who says they are pursuing a career to keep them off the street. Only this time, it was someone we knew from school days.  We invited the young woman in, renewed old acquaintance, served iced tea. Then, we declined to purchase a magazine.  There were none we needed and we were on a strict budget. She rose indignantly and left saying, “You wasted my time!”

Experiences like that make me a bit wary of one who has become an  e-pen pal.  He is a fun correspondent. He has been steadily pursuing common ground. We have found a few similar interests. But, I know this gig. I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I suspect this will turn out to be friendship evangelism. When will he pop the question (Are you saved?)?  I could simply answer in the affirmative, in which case he can cross me off the list and focus on other conquests.  Or, I might respond in caveat laden candor that leads to debate. Either way, I predict he will “shake the dust off his feet,” and move on. Given past experience, do you blame me for my skepticism?

I have developed a few online relationships over the past five years. Some with good mutual result which I will highlight in positive posts after I get the loathing out of my system.  But right now, I loathe both the disappointment and undeserved shame of friendship evangelism or network marketing.

Character, Emotional Health, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing, Part I

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I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing.   I am always in search of more friends.  I have a couple of fingers left to fill up in that category referred to as a handful of close friends. I seldom run hastily into new friendships. Once committed to a friendship, I am a pretty loyal soul, so I think long and hard about the cost of friendship before I extend myself.

Last week, while working in a non-profit setting, I met a potential soul-mate.  I kid you not, for the first two hours, I thought I was getting to know my new best friend. The energy was there as we began to reveal interests and hobbies in the intervals between working on the project. First of all, both of us love music.  Two; we have grown kids.  Three; we are world travelers and residents. Four; as musicians we play church and retirement center gigs.

Then, as our project time drew to a close, the energy dwindled and my new acquaintance lost focus on the task at hand.  Each time she returned to our conversation, it was to grill me about gigs I had played. We were no longer comparing notes – she was taking notes. I don’t mind sharing my contacts, but her total focus was networking.  All the while, what I really wanted was a good friend.  

I came away from the encounter disappointed. Just one of the reasons I loathe friendship evangelism and network marketing.  Part two – coming soon.