Category Archives: Character

Respect the Ex

I grew up in a conservative American household with two parents joined for life and two children – one female and one male – just perfect. So far, so good. My mother sewed my dresses, patched my brother’s blue jeans, braided my hair every day and told me what a pretty little thing I was. On Sunday mornings (and Sunday nights and Wednesday nights) we changed to our good clothes and went to church. When I was washed and combed and dressed appropriately my mother told me I looked nice. Frequently, I overheard my father tell my mother he loved her. But there were other things I overheard. I overheard my mother calling herself ugly as she stood in front of the mirror. I overheard her berate herself for looking fat, having a double chin, having short eyelashes (she was the type of conservative who does not wear makeup). She continued to affirm me and tell me I was pretty. Everywhere I went people told me how much I looked like my mother. Who was I to believe? The mother who said I was pretty? Or the mother whom I looked like who said she herself was ugly?

My grown-up life has not been perfect. I have been the wife of two husbands and am now single, solitary. I have made some mistakes over the years. Heaven knows I can see the glaring errors of my exes. But those men are the father – the other parent – of my children. Half of the genetic makeup of each of my children comes from someone other than me. Did I want to raise three children to adulthood the entire time pointing out the fault of their other parent? In that way, would they not learn to hate half of themselves? How much more conducive to character building if I pointed out the strengths and positives of the ex and encouraged the child to cultivate those positives?

My children are grown now, and all successful – each in his or her own way. And still the world around me unravels. Relationships of the younger generation fall apart. Couples who have been together for a decade or so decide to split, leaving the children they share to be shuffled from one domestic environment to another on a weekly basis. Wounded and hurting exes vie for the upper hand. 

I have observed at a safe distance while unyielding and self-righteous individuals, in completely asinine fashion, intentionally undermine the influence of the other parent and sow seeds of rebellion and hate.

I have also observed wounded and hurting exes who have triumphed. Those, who in maturity and wisdom have set aside their petty grievances for the sake of the whole health of their children.

I have seen exes fight and hurl insults on social media. I have also seen exes build each other up, compliment and thank each other, in view of the children – and the whole world – on social media. Just like they did when they were in love.

Do me a favor. Do the whole world a favor. For the sake of the children and their emotional and mental health; don’t insult, teardown, or disrespect the parent of your child! Travel back, into the far reaches of your mind to the good times – or the one good time. Find one solid respectable trait for your ex and dwell on that when you talk to your mutual children. Save the other stuff for the privacy of your counselor’s office or the ear of your trusted friend. You may feel that making yourself the perfect hero in the eyes of your child will give them someone to look up to. Yet, to make the other parent – your ex – into a perfect monster is to infer the child is half bad, half detestable, half ugly. Can you not care enough about the child of two individuals; can you not respect and love your child enough to speak respectfully of the other parent? Children grow smart and wise. They will soon form their own opinion about the actions and behaviors of those who fathered and mothered them. Don’t disrespect the parent of your child.

I Want More

She is 67 and she is abundantly aware that the best years of her life, the most enjoyable, the most productive, are now. She has all she ever wanted. She is livin’ the life. She makes music. She is immersed in music. She plays music for money. She has traveled and lived in many beautiful places – beyond what she originally imagined. She has walked and hiked in sunshine, blessed with the wind to her back and a breeze on her face, and crafted essays that describe her feelings, and lived to see a book or two in print. She has floated more than one river and seen the ocean. She has passed through fields of flowers in bloom at the peak of the Continental Divide. She has experienced the solitude of alone and independent in the wild.

She has birthed children and watched them grow and loved them and been loved in return.

She is 67. She knows what she wants. All she ever wanted is right now. Yet she does not sit on the couch waiting for the bell to toll. No. She wants more. More travel. More music. More beautiful places. More love. More JOY. For the remaining years of her life. Because the two final things on her bucket list are:

Sail into port grandly

Die in a beautiful place

She wants the last thing to leave her body to be music – along with her soul. Or is music her soul? Or is her soul music? She is not quite sure. But she knows they are inextricably twined. And she wants more. Why? Not because she is greedy. But because the cup of life at its fullest evaporates. One must constantly replenish.

To be clear, she feels a little more like The Cranberries and much better treated than Oliver.

Bel Canto

I don’t often read thrillers or horror stories, but when I do – and I can count them on a few fingers of one hand – they include music.

What is in a title? Sometimes a title gives a hint of the overall plot of a story. My favorite Dean Koontz novel is The City and it is, indeed about the city in more ways than one, but it is also about brotherly love and music and a talented piano boy turned piano man. What did I expect when I picked up a book titled Bel Canto? That the entire book would be about beautiful singing? No. If anything, I expected a one-liner somewhere deep in the book or at the denouement where someone sings an unforgettable song. 

The book is just good enough, just well-known enough, that I am both ashamed and amazed not to have read it sooner. But had I read Bel Canto in 2001 when it first came out in paperback, would it have had the same impact as reading it in 2022. 2022 when the world has gone mad, yet I have been heard to admit I am happy, perhaps the happiest I have been in a long time. 

I have always loved music. A piano has always been a necessity, but I learned to love bel canto and Italian pieces when my youngest toured and performed with Colorado Children’s Chorale. I was raised to be a musician, but a gospel musician only. Even though Granddad had a Victrola and a collection of Swedish chanteuses, I had little appreciation for opera until I became more intimately acquainted with it as a core knowledge music specialist.

In Ann Patchett’s finely tuned Bel Canto, opportunities to identify with the accompanist are plentiful, there are also long moments to identify with the hostages, to pity underprivileged child terrorists, to savor the deep, profound effect music has on our lives. And there are questions to ponder. 

My ruminations are both satisfying and alarming. My thoughts have to do with:

Anthropological questions

Psychological questions

Ethical questions

Governmental and diplomatic questions

A new kind of normal

Adapting to one’s environment

Happiness in the face of captivity

Blooming where you are planted

Might there be anything dangerous with blooming where you are planted?

Should you let your guard down if you bloom where you are planted?

Can one be truly happy if one is always looking over their shoulder?

Might Happiness have a lot to do with working willingly with your hands?

Does one really want to exist in perpetual, blissful happiness?

Is music nothing more than the opiate of the masses?

I love a book chock full of food for thought. Particularly when it hits me with music and love and forced social distancing all at the same time! It reminds me why I write. It reminds me of Love in various shades and circumstances.

“We found love right where we are.”

I Regret Nothing

Dear Universe,

I regret nothing.

Dear God of Provision

My gratitude is huge.

Dear Oracle who explains the whys,

Why could life not go on like this forever?

I heard the advice and sifted it. I kept the best.

I gave it all I had. I pursued my dreams with head and heart, my wisdom and experience guiding me.

I fully believe that every hand is a winner and every hand a loser. I played my hand. I played well and I played with gusto. I can truly say, I went for broke.

And now I am. 

Broke.

But stay my anxious thoughts and worries,

The new year cometh!

And with it the chance to start over again.

Again.

Library Book

When the pandemic was in remission, I went to the local library and got myself a long- anticipated library card. Last week I interrupted my favorite morning walk along the river to go into the library and check out a couple books. As a writer I find it inspirational to read – not only to reread the best classics, but to read something new once in a while, yet I am choosey about what I read. Too much sugar will rot my writing teeth. Too much milk will make me soft. I crave something to make me strong, to make me feel good and to make me think. So, more often than not, I turn to fiction. Yes, fiction. Preferably from an author with whom I am familiar, someone I trust.

Lately I have read some confirmed best sellers as well as some fledgling attempts which turned out to be enjoyable books, but I really did not get into the story until chapter two or three. Not so with Young Jane Young (Zevin, 2017). I thoroughly enjoyed Gabrielle Zevin’s, The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry when it first came out in paperback somewhere around 2014. I enjoyed it so much that it stays on my bedside shelf for frequent rereading. The story is perfectly wrapped up and tied with a bow and leaves one feeling satisfied so it is a great model for writers. Also, it is a story that refers to short stories so it is great for avid short-story readers. So, it follows, on my recent foray to the library, I went intentionally to the “Z” aisle and was not disappointed. I opened the book to chapter one and began to read:

My dear friend Roz Horowitz met her new husband online dating, and Roz is three years older and fifty pounds heavier than I am, and people have said that she is generally not as well preserved, and so I thought I would try it even though I avoid going online too much.

What a culturally relevant beginning! It is not even aimed at women in their 20s. The woman is a baby-boomer.  But what really caught my attention was the narrator’s confession:

I don’t particularly want a husband.  They’re a lot of work, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone either, and it would be nice to have someone to go to classes with is what I’m saying.

Gabrielle Zevin has written a most enjoyable read about politics and betrayal and lifelong friendship and unconditional mother-love and starting over.  I think most of you will like it!

I am also looking forward to reading The Only Woman in the Room which is based on the life of Hedy Lamarr . The third book, which you can barely see in this photo is Paradise with an Edge by Walter Dear. Walter Dear is a newspaper publisher who retired in Durango a couple decades ago and has woven himself into Durango culture both through his writing and his piano playing. I leave you to guess how I met him. But it has to do with French pastries and a restored baby-grand piano.

How to have a perfect day

Say yes to bliss. But what exactly is bliss? Perfect weather? A perfect temperature? A breath-taking scene? The best of company? A perfectly tuned and resolved Picardy third playing on eardrums and heartstrings? Once one knows what bliss feels like, one wants to experience it again and again. The challenge for each individual who desires a perfect day is to find what activities have in them the potential for bliss. 

***

She rose at 5:45 am, which was not to early and not too late in the total scheme of things. This allowed a little time for thinking and the nourishment of a small, wholesome, bowl of oatmeal well-endowed with nuts and dates and raisins. This provided time for washing her face and popping in her contacts and pulling on shorts and a tank and still making it out for a morning walk before the summer heat of the day. The morning world was glorious. A hearty rain had fallen overnight to refresh all the living things and wash off the inanimate concrete and pavement and walls. It was not quite time for sunglasses for the sun was still on the other side of the mountain. She hiked half a mile or so up the nature trail, and even though she was the uphill traffic, she stepped aside quickly into a sagebrush when she heard steps thundering down the trail. It was either a puppy on the loose or a novice bicyclist. But, no, it was a doe, startled also to see a two-legged creature, polite, inquisitive. She and the deer observed the COVID rules of etiquette, stepping aside, leaving inquiring distance between. The doe was more curious than the human. The human merely wanted to protect herself in the bush in case the deer startled and charged. They passed without incident. But there wasn’t a lama between them – it was probably more like 4 feet. Just like two humans who cannot judge distance. She reached the top of the hill. She gazed across the valley and the vista and headed back down. At a particularly lovely juncture in the trail she thought: You know what would be pure bliss? To take the Purple Mohawk off Silver Girl and put her in the water. The kayak has been drydocked atop the automobile more than a month. It is a lovely day. My toe and my bruised rib are feeling no pain. Yes. I will choose bliss. I will take the kayak out on the river. 

But first, a new piano student at 10:00 am. And second, a practice session at the keyboard. A  bit of lunch whilst walking about the kitchen and filling the water reservoir.  A two and a half mile drive to the put-in and finally, boat on the water. She prefers to climb aboard from the left side, probably a residual habit from riding a horse as a youngster – or maybe mounting a bicycle. Turns out this is not such a good idea when the river is running high and muddy. There is a first time for everything and it was the first time – and hopefully the last – she swamped the purple mohawk, and had to drag her out of the water and pull the plug and drain her – before even taking a stroke with the paddle. As a consequence, she was now soaked to her armpits. But it was a warm day and the water felt good. She paddled a few bends upstream. She floated all the way back downstream. She replaced the Purple Mohawk on top Silver Girl and returned home. After cleaning up nicely, she ascended the Sky Steps (all 500 of them) to the college once more and attended an end of music camp concert, something she saw on Instagram. The type of concert where the instructors and pros play with the students and it warms the cockles of your heart and gives you goosebumps. And when she got home at 5:30 and fixed herself a hot meal she thought, Now that was a perfect day!

***

How to have a perfect day? Say yes to bliss. Do you know what the potential for bliss looks like for you? If not, you can begin by saying yes to opportunity – to as many invitations and experiences as possible. Just say yes. Eventually you’ll get it figured out.

Tip It Forward

She spent a lifetime raising young musicians. And when I say a lifetime, I mean all her adult years. I guess you could say for the 21 years previous to adulthood she was only raising one young musician – herself – but that would not accurately account for her parents’ hand in the business. Anyway, she raised three – musicians that is – three to whom she gave birth (this story is not about the hundreds of students whom she raised to love music) and she watched them fledge and fly away and continue forward with the music business because each of them, at the approximate age of 16 began to play with bands; marching bands, rock bands, punk bands, reggae bands, celtic bands, worship bands; every kind of music one could imagine. Likewise, these young musicians began to be independent, to learn more from the big wide world of music, less from the mom who gave them birth and especially they learned from the School of Hard Knocks and paying your dues. So it happened, after they were grown from home, that whenever she passed a street musician – which was usually when traveling to San Francisco or Pike Place or other colorful and cultural locations, she was careful to tip the musician – a little change here, a dollar bill there because she was never flush with money. And each time she dropped the money in the hat, she thought of her kids; wished them well. She hoped that someone, somewhere that day was dropping some money in the hat or jar or fishbowl for her children who were making a way for themselves with music.

***

He was born three weeks early and came out using his lungs and with the ability to grasp and grip objects. His parents sang a cappella harmonies while his mother nursed him. A few days later he could roll over. Before the age of five weeks he was pushing himself up to a standing position in his mother’s lap. This in itself seemed precocious. But the amazing thing was, he was pushing himself up, bouncing, keeping accurate time to the rhythmic crooning of a traveling black music evangelist. Six months later she boarded a city bus in San Antonio with this little man child held securely in her arms. She was only 19 and a little skittish of the big city, strange surroundings, people and customs different from hers. An old woman with a large and worn shopping bag occupied the seat behind causing her to think of all sorts of fairy tales with old hags. Across the aisle sat a young Puerto Rican looking desperate and hungry, she knew too much about Westside Story. She tried to make herself as inconspicuous as possible, to melt into the bus interior. But Baby would have none of that. He squirmed until he was turned to face the Puerto Rican. He stuck out his little cherub face and coughed politely. No result. Determined, Baby coughed again. The young Puerto Rican man finally looked up, whereupon Baby beamed at him and then turned his attention to the weathered woman behind to begin the social process of introduction again. Working the crowd. That was 47 years ago. To her certain knowledge, that child has been a consummate showman and performer ever since. He loves people. He reads the crowd.

Child number two had to be rocked to sleep standing up, the one who watched the patterns of the LED music readout on the stereo over her shoulder to make sure the music was not stopping, only advancing to the next song. This made sense. This child was born to parents who worked in radio and had a mortal fear of dead air time. She was the dancer who moved her arms gracefully to the music before she could walk, the toddler who sat at a piano keyboard and attempted delicate arpeggios instead of pounding. As a young adult she was the drummer, the mandolin player, the songwriter and the one woman show.

Child number three was born using his lungs and never stopped. Always self-contained, mindful and confident, he knew what was expected of him and delivered on stage by the age of five. His pitch was as sure and accurate as that of his older siblings. He was able to engage adults in meaningful conversation at a young age. He toured the world with a children’s chorale, sang for weddings, and soloed on the concert hall stage before entering high school. As a young adult he knew his path and located himself in music hubs, playing concurrently with as many bands as possible.

***

So now, when she plays the Saturday and Sunday morning gig at the French Bakery, she thinks of her kids. She thinks how encouraging they are – all three of them- how excited for her that she has this unencumbered opportunity to play live music, enter this world they have survived in and loved for decades. She thinks of her oldest child when she makes eye-contact, smiles and acknowledges each guest that comes through the door while she continues to play. She is pretty sure she learned that habit from her son. She thinks of her daughter and a one-woman show as she keeps the music humming without benefit of drum or guitar fills for a few solid hours. When happy guests tip her handsomely – and when they don’t, she thinks of the seasons her kids were busking on the streets to survive. She recalls the street musicians she has tipped over the years. And she wishes, she wishes she had tipped more – tipped it a little further forward!

What a Life I’ve Had

What a life I’ve had!

Ah, what a life I’ve had!

But I think I’ll have some more;

More pain more gain, more money, more glory!

Ah, what a life I’ve had!

Nothing the same for the past,

Sixty or sixty-five or seven,

Not one year like the other.

I must have lived nine lives,

Not as a cat;

But as a Mother,

As a sister to a brother,

As a wife, a partner, a daughter.

Ah, what a life I’ve had;

Running a business, commanding my own Starship Enterprise from an office chair,

Taking out the garbage, sweeping the dust,

Eating the losses.

Ah, what a life I’ve had,

Singing with the best, accompanying all the rest

With 88 keys at my fingertips;

Raising the young to love history and rhyme;

What a life, what a life.

Studios, stages, microphones, lead-lines,

What a life I have had,

Learning that everything speaks,

Stooping to hear what is said,

Taught by rocks and rivers and meadows.

What a life I have had!

What a fine time cutting my losses, hedging my bets,

Smelling the roses – – by whatever name.

Ah, what a life I have had!

But, I think I’ll have some more;

More pain, more gain, more money,

ALL the GLORY – this time!!!!!

Cherry Odelberg, May 2021

Delayed Reaction

When it comes to preparedness, I’m your boy scout.

I read a verse in Proverbs when I was about 13 – the verse that says, “she is not afraid of the winter, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.” I like red, it’s my favorite color – second only to black. I like sale shopping. So, yes, consider my household clothed for the winter. I like to shop ahead, make sure my / our needs are covered so there is no frantic last-minute push. We are prepared for any emergency. At any given time, there are three little black dresses in my closet. A hiking pack, extra water, PFD and swimsuit stay in the car. My purse holds an emergency sewing kit, measuring tape, wallet knife, and dimes for the potty and payphone. Dimes for the potty? Now there’s a historic artifact.

Anyway, I try to be prepared. But that can also make me overconfident. Yesterday I took my kayak out on the river for the first time this year. I’ve had it on the roof of the car just waiting since April. My kayaking bag is in the hatch. All I really had to do was switch to my swim shorts and drive away from the house and 22 blocks to the put in. A ten-minute drive. Thirteen minutes untying and unloading the kayak and I was in the water blissfully paddling upstream, against the current as usual. Three quarters of the way to my turn around point I realized something: No sunscreen. Blue sky. Sunshine. Swollen river. 80 degree weather. Immediately I was thankful for a sit-in craft – at least the tops of my feet won’t get burned. I took a few more powerful strokes and remembered something else. I usually put moleskin on the thenar webspace between my thumbs and forefingers. Do I feel blisters coming on? Both moleskin and sunscreen are in my daypack – back at the car. So much for my preparedness image.

In much the same way COVID-19 did not catch me unprepared. I was not out of toilet paper. I had food for a couple weeks already in-house. I even had a collection of bandanas to use as masks. Who cares about social distance? I was new in town so there was no one to miss. No reason to repine and whine. I was used to hiking alone and living alone and I’m an introvert. 

But the delayed reaction now, fourteen months later is about to do me in. During the long months of quarantine I practiced piano, I practiced guitar, I learned to play bass, I took some classes by Zoom, but I am woefully out of practice at this social thing. I’m fully vaccinated as are most of those in my would-be peer group, but there is no place to go, no one to see, nothing to do. 14 months later it is time to scramble and catch up with all the things I meant to do when I was new in town. Otherwise I, even I – the loner – will become lonely and blue. Intentional friend-making and job-hunting, inserting myself into the lives and worlds of others has never come easy for me. But delayed loneliness is no laughing matter, folks.

Coming of age – again

I know three people from our graduating class who are authors, she wrote via email. You, Barbara Jones, and Harry Brown. Do you know of any others?  The class of ’72 – what’s left of 399 of us – are beginning to coalesce, starting to get reacquainted, communicating more as we gear up for our 50th (gasp), 50th class reunion. I’ve ordered your latest book, she continued, and I had the privilege of reading one of Harry’s before it went to print.

Classmates. We have in common a high school graduation year; 1972. We have memories of three years spent in the same building, 180 days per year; choirs, teams, bands, academic awards, achievements.  Some of us share in common the writing habit. One of Barbara Tyner’s books is on my nightstand waiting to be read. Another is on my computer-top, delivered electronically. After responding to Helen’s email, I clicked around the internet for several minutes, finally discovering Harry Brown’s The Magic Club. I pressed the instant download button and money was withdrawn, the plot delivered.

Aptly classified, a coming of age novel. I read with dogged attention, though I found the chapters and sections disjoined and hard to follow. These are the landscapes and people of my childhood, never mind that some of the names have been changed. I know these places – the canal bank, the Three Sisters, Monument Road. I know these characters. I, too, was part of the Class of 72, although I don’t believe I ever shared a class or a conversation with Mr. Brown. There were 399 of us. We were baby boomers. I laughed out loud at the religious girl with the outdated cat-eye glasses who makes a couple cameo appearances in the book. Could there have been two of us? I was not alone after all! Wonder of wonders, there must have been another classmate as suppressed and repressed as I! She wore her cat-eyes from first through 12th grade. I only got mine in 6thgrade. Oh, and in the book (The Magic Club, 2012 Harry Clifford Brown), she graduated valedictorian-something I could only dream of. As an author, I was absolutely fascinated by Harry Brown’s fictional rendering and remembering of the chaotic and tender age of 17-going on 21. Nice to get a glimpse of 1972 from the other side – the male perspective – the jocks – the achievers – the leaders. I honestly didn’t know it was as hard (and heartbreaking) for them as it was for me!