After much reflection on who I am and who I am meant to be, I have decided that I love to travel and see and learn and laugh. I want to spend my mornings writing, my afternoons reading, and my whole life making music. I love fine food, long walks, and conversations with witty intelligent people. I long to know and be known; love and be loved, know that my life is making a difference for others. I want to find my ambience and excel. I need plenty of time alone and plenty of time with friends and family. I want to discover, design and analyze. Please forward all salaried situations matching this description! I want to move on with my dreams.
Category Archives: Character
Black and White Thinking
Today I am trying to be gentle with ME. I’ve been beating myself up again. Beating myself up with black and white thinking. Here’s how it works: I catch myself in error. At first I deny my mistake on the grounds that I am conscientious. I strive to do what is right –always, so, since I was consciously trying to do the right thing, how could I have made a mistake? Still, the niggling thought that I might have been wrong persists. Then, the light goes on. A friend, an event, a thought, points out to me that I have made a grievous error. I say grievous because, regardless of the minisculetude or magnitude of the mistake, it will cause grief in my soul. I admit I was wrong. If necessary I make amends. I do all I can do to correct it. I am unable to leave it behind. I am now a failure. I begin to think and rethink my entire life. Maybe I have always been wrong.
It is a great thing to know when you are wrong and admit it. It is mental and emotional cancer to think that because you were wrong once, you can never be trusted. You were wrong always and forever. A moment on that black and white path will undo my confidence, my self-worth, my self-esteem. In a heartbeat, I have dropped into never ending despair. What will rescue me from my own black and white thinking? Oh for the wisdom to know and freely admit when I am wrong; the grace and confidence to move forward; the discernment to know when I am right; so to stand like a rock amid the tumult of naysayers. Oh for the love to be gentle with myself and therefore gentle with others; to have the grace to think and act in such a way that understands that they, too, may be wrong sometimes without me rejecting them as full blown tyrants.
Trust, Denial, and Isolation
The hard truth is; anyone is capable at any time of going off the deep end and becoming untrustworthy; disloyal. I have tried so hard to trust. I know I need to trust in order to enjoy friendship, or relationships of any sort, but something makes me skeptical, aloof. I isolate myself in order to insulate and protect. Then, I become desperate for relationships, and in my desperation, I deny, overlook, ignore the propensity for humans in general to commit serious glitches in dependability or trust. Blindly, I choose someone just to be close; to wrap a bandage, to suture up the loneliness-and it happens again. The foundation, the rug, is jerked from under me.
This is why I need a Higher Power, an all knowing, all perfect, all Love, being to trust. Communication with this Higher Power centers me, tunes me in to the rhythm of the Universe, shows me the highest in excellence and truth, and teaches me to trust myself so that I can weather the ups and downs of relationship with other humans. With trust in a Higher Power, and trust in myself, I can stand steady and confident rather than be jerked about by the opinions and infidelities of others.
Blame and Shame and Easter and Passover
What is with me that I cannot seem to leave the guilt of a failed relationship until I have proved myself in the right? That’s exactly what BJ did. He proved to himself that he was in the right-that all the blame was mine-and therefore he can move on and I will shoulder the blame. What legalists we are. How judgmental. How full of shame and blame for others and ourselves. If we would just forgive ourselves; would that not do away with the necessity of finding others to blame?
(excerpt from the work in progress, Before I Went Crazy, Cherry Odelberg, 2010).
Today I am asking myself, “Does the element of blame have to be present to prove a point?” Is blame a necessary ingredient of debate? Is blame part of a grammatically correct sentence, a leg of logical debate, necessary to well phrased rhetoric? Why do I insist on either laying blame or accepting blame?
Elizabeth Gilbert, in a most excellent read titled; Eat, Pray, Love (Penguin 2006) says, “…the rules of transcendence insist that you will not advance even one inch closer to divinity as long as you cling to even one last seductive thread of blame.”
Apparently that’s why we need a savior, a redeemer, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat, and why we need to be reminded of this often. As Gilbert goes on to say, “This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don’t have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down. We all need such places of ritual safekeeping (2006).”
So today, as the sunshine returns and we are on the edge of spring; I resolve to let go of blame; especially self-recrimination, and thus free myself of blaming others, too. Spring is a time of rebirth. Breathe deep! Take your first cry in a new world!
“I let go of my failure, I let go of success; I let go of perfection; I let go of this mess… Now its time to let go of my guilt; And I know its time to let go of regret; And I let go of frustration; And I forgive and forget; I release all control; and I hold nothing back…” Kevin Decker, from the Song, Hold On, by Hail the Sound, 2010 http://www.myspace.com/hailthesound
A Maverick, and Alone
Have you ever come to a place in your thought life, where you felt like a maverick adventurer; going forward to places those around you had never been, nor ever thought of going? Or did you find yourself, with a bit of trepidation, thinking thoughts, toying with philosophies you had been trained were dangerously wrong, maybe evil? And you felt like you were all alone; yet, you had no choice but to press forward? Then, wonder of wonders, by chance, a book falls into your hands and in the pages you find much of your biography, your musings, attributed to a fictional character by some author halfway across the continent whom you have never met. At once you realize, with joy, that you are not alone. That is the kind of book I want to write. This has happened to me frequently enough in my life that I want to-not return the favor, but – pass it on.
I am two chapters in to a book by Brian D McLaren, The Story We Find Ourselves In. I am finding myself in this book. I hope to go on finding myself the rest of my life. Sometime around Christmas a good friend and confidant gave me a copy of McLaren’s, A New Kind of Christian, which I thoroughly devoured and passed on to another friend. While ordering an additional copy to keep on hand, I decided to order the sequel also. I must admit, I am not a fan of sequels. I could have been perfectly content after the first Pirates of the Caribbean, or the first National Treasure. But this second in the series by McLaren? This is a page turner for me. I am not alone. I have never been alone, just tardy. I am behind the pack, somewhat due to my own late blooming characteristic, and much to the fault of those who dutifully discipled me with harangue and shame. I am an adult now, and it is time for me to mentor others and encourage them along. Many writers and scholars are ahead of me-but as fast as I read and think, I should catch them soon- even while going back to rescue breathe for others who are languishing like I was. Someday, we can all party together.
Here are some books that changed my life: 1) The Robe, by Lloyd C. Douglas; 2) Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, The Great Divorce, Surprised By Joy – all by C.S. Lewis; 3) A New Kind of Christian and The Story We Find Ourselves In, by Brian McLaren.
What books have changed your life? Blown off the ceiling for your dreams and philosophies?
My Answer
I have decided to throw myself on God’s Mercy and Grace, rather than to stand stubbornly in my own rags of self-righteousness, weathering the storm on my own strength by declaring that I will keep my word. What strength do I have? None. What strength does God have? The Universe!
This is one more application of the 12 Steps to Recovery provided by Alcoholics Anonymous. The steps I am thinking of today go something like this: I admit that I am powerless and my life unmanageable. I believe that a Higher Power can restore me to sanity. I am seeking to increase contact with that Higher Power through meditation and meditative walks.
If this sounds interesting to you, check out these links: http://hazelden.org/
http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm and be sure and read some of the books on my favorite books page!
Happy New Year!
My prayer for me for the new year, hence, my prayer for others: 
Wisdom
Grace
Success
Abundance
Love
Joy
Serenity
Health
May it be, God.
Can I really pray these things/wish these things for everyone in my acquaintance? Or, is there some reserve? Something held back that whispers, “No success for HIM, though. ” Or “No abundance for HER. She doesn’t deserve it.” Or perhaps, “No serenity for THAT ONE! Until they come to their senses…”
Yes, I can afford to pray these for everyone. I want to wish these on everyone. No making the list and checking it twice, no caveat that says, “exclude that individual from success, abundance or serenity, because they have been naughty, not nice.” No shortages. Plenty for all. You do not steal from my abundance or serenity when you have the same. May this be the best year ever – for you-and for me!
Happy Day After Christmas To You!
How did you wake up this morning? Elated? Deflated?
Most of us are mature and experienced enough to exercise caution when it comes to the holidays. We know the pitfalls – be they social and familial or social and ingestible – and we prep our minds, if not our bodies, for them. We know not to expect too much. We don’t want to be disappointed in the holidays; we just want to survive the holidays. It really came as no surprise to me that it took an extra two hours of dozing and subconscious working through of issues – both psychological and nutritional—Followed by the writing of five pages in my journal, to be ready to meet this day after Christmas. The big revelation, however, is that there exists a holiday backlash – be your holidays good or bad! It takes just as much emotional energy to process the good that exceeds our expectations, as it does to process disappointments. I am an old and cracked vessel and must be careful not to burst in the ferment of JOY and WONDER. I have had a good life, of late, and it is almost more than I can bear. Happy Day After Christmas to you!
Snow Delirious
I know now why deer do that little sideways hop. I did it myself this afternoon in the sun and the snow out along the ridge. What a luxury to be free and out walking in the full sun just before it nodded in the west. The foot of snow we got last week has diminished and receded from the large boulders in sculpted, bevel-edged swoops and hollows; but the crackling fog cloud of this morning built long, sparkling, luxurious crystals on all the remaining snow drifts. Mud is scarce and the snow delightfully squishy and plentiful. My booted feet craved to burrow in the crunchy snow dunes with the same motion used bare in the Pacific beach sands way back in summer. My gloved hands irresistibly, ravenously, reached toward the untouched, minute shards of ice. This is material, tangible, hunger and desire at its best, for its fulfillment is abundant and freely had- a daily gift from the creator. Oh, the delicious out of doors and sunshine!
Wounded and Broken Hearted
“What I don’t want to be is wounded and never healed. I don’t want to die of a broken heart, only to discover that I had the means to mend it, but waited for someone else to see the need and meet it. Codependency is such a two edged sword. I spent my whole life doing for others, in the hope that someone would see my need and do for me. I didn’t feel it was right to meet my own needs. When I noticed that I had needs or desires, I ignored them, or outright denied them-rejected them and told them to go away. It seemed so self-centered if I paid attention to myself. Never-the-less, while I ignored the desires of my heart and self-sacrificially gave to meet the needs of others, my reserves to give were dwindling. “But,” I reasoned to myself, “It’s not self-sacrifice if you have unlimited reserves, is it?” Deep down, I knew that this giving thing, ministering, serving; is supposed to be reciprocal. No one was filling my well back up and I became starved, parched, and finally: resentful” (Excerpted from a work in progress, “Before I Went Crazy.”).
Dear Reader, As you go about your Thanksgiving and Christmas preparations, I encourage you to take some time to care for yourself; to be about the business of fulfilling your own God-given destiny. Yes, serve and minister to others- but, not to a fault. Take care that you do not do it to the point of exhaustion and resentment.