Dear Readers,
I am taking a poll. It is multiple choice. Please answer A, B, or C.
I was never crowned Miss America or Miss USA because:
A) I do not look like a Barbie Doll
B) I have an opinion, but I am inarticulate and cannot express that opinion
C) I have a traditional opinion which differs from yours
Dear Reader. why do you think I, your very own Eine Feisty Berg, was never crowned Miss America?
For the last three years or so this list has been hanging around my desk, on my bulletin board, pasted to my fridge-you get the idea. Just some key words to encourage me and keep me moving forward in anticipation:
My Apple Tree Philosophy – Just Plant It!
The Basket Philosophy – gather up the pieces that none be lost
Mom’s Taxi – Be about the business of getting people where they need to go – including yourself.
Learning is Exponential – Every bit of knowledge integrates and facilitates mastery of something seemingly unrelated.
The Apple Tree philosophy has to do with one’s tendency to say, “Maybe I shouldn’t waste time and money planting a tree, I probably won’t even be living here in 5 or 6 years when the tree bears fruit.” Just plant it!
Sometimes the experiences of ones life seem fragmented, little bits and pieces of unrelated stuff. Gather them up, every experience is useful and has purpose. Maybe you will end up with 12 extra baskets full of good stuff as in the miracle of Jesus feeding the multitudes.
I love my kids and I love being part of getting them where they need to go. I’ve been doing this for over 30 years. Most recently I realized that I also have a responsibility to get my self where I am supposed to go.
Almost daily I experience the sensation of some new bit of knowledge creating a metaphor that applies to several other areas of comprehension. May I never stop learning; never stop believing that each puzzle piece I pick up has an entire puzzle somewhere out there, and may I always have the eagerness to keep searching and thinking and learning.
Last Thursday I caught a ride with my office mate to pick up my car at the garage (new clutch-thousand bucks). As I buckled in I attempted to put on my sunglasses and found they were missing a screw. The temple came off in my hand. Being in somewhat of a hurry and distracted by the necessity of giving directions, I stuffed the temple in my purse and balanced my sunglasses on my nose. This proved fruitless and I hopped out of the car at the garage clutching my purse and loose glasses. In order to drive home in the waning sun, I wore the spare sunglasses I keep in the car. Later I dumped my purse out and searched for the temple to no avail. On Friday I checked the floor of my office mate’s car. Still no temple. I was disappointed. Sure it was just a cheap pair of fashion shades, but, they fit well and it had taken me several months to spare the $14.00 for something a little nicer than the castoffs I had been wearing.
Saturday I did some shopping for necessities of existence. On the way home, I chanced to drive past the garage and on a whim, I swung into the deserted parking lot. There on the pavement was my missing temple. I rejoiced as I returned home. I felt very blessed to find what was lost.
Later, when I took out the glasses and optical screw driver to complete the repair, I was concerned to find that the parts did not line up and slip into place. A closer look revealed that the temple had been run over and the connecting piece bent. I tried to pry it gently, but, my optical experience told me that the odds of righting it without ruining it were very slim. I was sad. “God,” I said, “You gave me back what was lost and it brought me a lot of joy, but it is useless and it is probable the only thing I can do to help will instead break it beyond repair. What is your purpose in even giving it back? What is going on here that I need to learn?”
Very swift came the answer: Some things just cannot be fixed.
Will I try? You bet! But, I will not think less of myself if my efforts fail. I will be at peace.
If the thought of trying to persuade or influence others fills you with anxiety; I have a solution for you: Learn what the rules are. Memorize them. Once you have them memorized and you commit to doing them religiously; all you have to do to persuade or influence (or control) others is to remind them what the rules are.
Then, instead of conversing and convincing, weighing information, sharing ideas, engaging in deep thought, you just decide everything by the rules. You say, “You can’t do that!” The other person says, “Why?” You say, “Because it is against the rules.” If you find yourself in a situation where you really want someone to do something for you or you want someone to do something your way, don’t bother to ask them (they might feel the freedom to say no) just make a new rule- a new application of one of the older rules. This saves an incredible amount of discussion. You will no longer have to waste time thinking things through. You will never have to weigh decisions; just consult the rules.
Example: Everyone knows that murder, stealing, adultery and the like are sins. But, what if you see me (or I see you) doing or about to do something you don’t want me to do? Well, instead of telling me directly, “I don’t want you to do that,” it is easier to say, “The Bible says to flee the very appearance of evil; and THAT appears (appearances are terribly important here) to be bad to me, you don’t want to go against God’s rules, do you?”
Don’t talk about it. Don’t engage in discussion. Of what use is discussion and talk? Discussion might lead to compromise; and compromise, of course, is wrong, evil, a sin to be avoided. Decide what you think is right and then…Make another rule.
Hey, if everyone just lives by the rules; you might not even have to engage in relationships. Your character will be set for life. You won’t have to grow or learn anything new –as long as you know the rules and simply live by them.
Some people will do anything for money.
Others will do nothing for money.
A third group will do anything to get something for free.
The first embody the scripture wherein Jesus said, “The Love of money is the root of all evil.”
The second, in their extreme response (or excuse) to avoid evil, would not think of committing any motion resulting in the evil of money. These two seem to be extreme poles of response to the making of money. The need and greed that comes from not having any money may result in a third, more insidious and extreme response:
Some people will do anything for free; free money, free belongings, free food, free ownership.
“Give me neither poverty nor riches…Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you…or I may become poor and steal and so dishonor [you].” Proverbs 30:8.
“People who want to be rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction (I Tim 5: 9)”
So, too, all that wait dependently for others to give everything to them for free.
GOODBYE MOUNTAINS, HELLO FRIENDS
I came to the mountains in the first place to be alone. Well, sort of. I like my space. I love being alone during the day to putzy about the house and arrange things and indulge in creativity. I am inherently that quintessential stay at home wife or mother who is nourished by planning great things for her family, anchoring and stabilizing her brood and her man by her presence in the home, and the good things that come from her kitchen, her sewing machine, her garden, her pen and her heart.
Two things conspired against me. 1) All the neighbors also came to the mountains to be alone. There was a huge dearth of friends and an abundance of isolation. 2) One cannot live on mountains alone. One must commute to the city and work full time in order to pay the mortgage on the cabin and provide the components and ingredients for those abundantly nourishing meals.
So commenced the commuting and the stress: One foot in the mountains, one foot in the metro; with the shoe always on the wrong foot. What I really want is to live in the mountains and be alone during the day, write my thousand pages, feather my comfy home and hearth, attend to my music and spiritual nourishment; and then-when the lights go down or the vacations come—escape to beaches and exotic places, symphonies and shows, with family and friends in tow to enjoy all that cities and countries and culture has to offer.
How is it that things always turn out backwards? Now I am living in the high desert, still working full time, but with a short three mile commute; two life long friends and several family members close at hand; numerous opportunities to cultivate new friendships. Still I crave: Alone time during the day-Social time in the evening and on days off. I can still go to the mountains or beaches for vacations-and I do! I have just returned from 48 hours in Gunnison; walking and hiking at 7,000 feet; writing in a luxurious motel room complete with hot tub; but, where was the social life at the end of the day? The kids were off doing college activities.
Townsend and Cloud, in their most enlightening and healing book, Safe People (Zondervan, 1995), note that isolated people, socially anorexic people may have fantasies of vacation and doing something fun ALL BY THEMSELVES. Guess I am not there yet. I love to share fun and vacation with the right people! Now where are they?
Never, ever, make someone feel bad. Its not nice to make someone feel bad. Nice people never make someone feel bad. So if you are a child, be very careful that you never disobey your parents. If you disobey, even once, it will make your parents feel bad. Your mother will say, “Don’t you love mommy? It makes mommy feel bad when you do not obey.” If you do not obey your father he will say, “What have I done wrong that I have raised a child that does not obey.” He will feel bad. You don’t want to make anyone feel bad.
If you are a student at school or a worker in an office, never succeed above your peers. It makes them feel stupid if you get a better grade on a test or if you can naturally do a skill they have not yet mastered. Do not make them feel bad by being better than they are. Everyone knows it is not nice to act better than someone else. Hide your skills. You do not want others to feel bad.
If you are an adult in charge of others, don’t correct your underlings when they make an error, encourage them instead. If you correct them, they may feel bad and think you are not a nice person.
If you are a spouse, take care that you never make your mate feel bad. Instead, choose words that encourage. If you disagree, never infer that your spouse’s position is wrong. You must put things in the best light, beat around the bush, change your position if you find yourself coming dangerously close to the heart of the matter. Never ask them to do something they don’t want to do. You must not make them feel bad.
If you are writing or speaking to any of the general public, be sure you choose a vocabulary that is positive and uplifting whether it gets the point across or not. Otherwise someone will say, “That’s too preachy,” and you will be devastated that you almost went to press with something that would make someone feel bad. You must never, ever, make someone feel bad. Nice people just don’t do that.
Congratulations! You have made yourself responsible for the feelings and happiness of everyone else. You are now codependent.
The trouble with “making it happen” for someone you love (particularly if you are doing it for them to draw their attention or love to yourself) is that they fall in love with the thing you made possible in their life-and they ride off into the sunset with IT.
When one makes it happen for another, a thank you is all that is required. It is not a guarantee of lifetime allegiance and service out of gratitude.
With growing kids, this is a natural and right practice. We provide them with education, upbringing, tools for careers and relationship and they ride off into the sunset toward lifetime success.
With others, peers, adults, employers, corporations; making someone’s life or vision or business happen for them (often through heroic measures) is disastrous.
This has happened to me at least twice in major arrangements and numerous times in small, day to day working relationships.
Am I hard-hearted to say, “Never again”?
RESPONSIBILITY OR, He that is faithful in small things will be faithful in much
My children are growing up. Yes, my youngest is a senior and will graduate next May. I love watching children grow. I love the rites of passage; the times when a mother can distinctly see the fine character developing in a child as that one moves first into taking responsibility for him (or her) self and later begins to take leadership or servant responsibility for others.
Last Thursday I forgot to replenish my gum pack in my purse. I realized this about a mile from the school. Too late to turn back home and too late to make a quick stop at a convenience store, I was about to drop Philip off for his early morning college class when I bemoaned the oversight audibly. “Oh, I think I have one,” replied Philip, fully aware of my plight and how I hate the thought of breathing dragon breath at my students. “Just one left,” He commented, fishing the stick out of the package and laying it on the dashboard. I thanked him heartily and then, as he was about to throw the empty package into the trash, “Wait a minute, here’s one more. This one’s for me!” he said, smiling and popping it into his pocket.
Friday night I worked BINGO for Sweet Adelines. It was busy; a full house and a late session. At quarter to midnight I started to check in with Philip, but thought better of it as he might be sleeping. Five minutes later my cell phone rang. “Hi Mom, it’s a bit later than usual, where are you?”
I like to see that my kids are concerned for others. I do not want to be smothered any more than they do. I do not want them to have to build their lives around taking care of me or mutual enabling. But Kindness, Concern, Empathy, healthy Responsibility toward others; those are great character traits. The boy of whom his sister in law once said, “You’re way too nice to be a teenager,” is turning out to be a fine young man.
