Category Archives: Character

Character, Emotional Health, Uncategorized

Love gives worth

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It sounds quaint, almost Shakespearean, this paraphrase from the Bible; “now abideth faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13).”
Does a lack of love disrupt our progress toward success or full self-actualization? Must we have love to fully succeed? Whether giving love or receiving love, love is a powerful reference. In fact, love is the best reference. To be loved imputes worth. Here’s a story…

A love reference at the office
For starters, the woman was totally unaware. Totally unaware when she bustled into a room that other conversations and relationships were in progress. Devoid of intuition regarding the body language of others; the expression of excuse me, I need to pass conveyed by gentle touch to the shoulder or elbow in lieu of interrupting; she startled and showed mild offence when her coworkers spoke in a decibel loud enough to be heard by her dull ears. Fact is, she was virtually un-interruptible when deep in conversation. She had favorite subjects, lifelong interests. She was so passionate about those topics, she could talk on for hours without pause or any concern for other business that was transacted or might need to be transacted around her. If that wasn’t irritation enough to an intuitive others-sensitive soul, the woman couldn’t give straight and concise information. Just let someone ask a question and the woman would wind up and deliver the answer to the question she had hoped to hear or thought she heard. Yes, she had her own agenda and it was very important business.
All these attributes grated on her coworkers. Needless to say, it did not help on the occasions she mistakenly picked up the wrong purse, gloves, or hat of an officemate and headed home at closing time leaving the more attentive persons miffed, unmuffed or stranded.
Then one day her man stopped by the office to trade keys or cars or something mundane from the everyday lives of married people. The younger, unmarried career folks were curious. What would this husband be like? This male portion of a marriage that had survived more than a couple decades. Was he crazy from living with a wife the coworkers found difficult?
No. He was not crazy.
He was respectful. He was not embarrassed. He did not put her down or try to manage her or keep her on track. Beyond that, with just a few well-spoken sentences, he let the office workers know he appreciated and admired her for her hard work over the years. He genuinely adored her. His loyalty was equal that of Sancho Panza singing, “I like her. I really like her.”
And then a rather remarkable thing happened. His opinion of her increased her value to those who worked with her. They saw her from a new perspective. Worthy. Valuable over the long haul.

Never underestimate the power of a good reference. Never underestimate the value of genuine love and like. Perhaps that is why we all unceasingly desire and pursue a good love relationship. Not because we aren’t strong or brave or intelligent enough to do it on our own. Not because we are dependent on a man or a woman. But because we all need worth. A love reference gives us worth.

Character, Metaphor, Work

The Combination to Life!

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The safe at the office holds the keys – literally – that allow entry to all the other important doors of business and administration. The safe at work is difficult. Complicated. Cranky. To begin with, it has a four-part combination instead of the usual three. Secondly, you have to remember how many times around the block you must drive before you stop at each address. Some days the leaden, ponderous doors open effortlessly on the first attempt. Other days, the store manager is left screaming, “Call the locksmith! Bring me a crowbar! Buy me some steal-toed boots and make it snappy! Better yet, just bring the dynamite!” On those days the lock is twirled over and over and over to no avail, each attempt cleared – erased – to start with a clean page, a blank canvas to try, try again until you succeed. But thirdly – and this is the part you must remember, for this is the combination for life – at each address, you must not draw back. Steady your hand. You must not hesitate not even one-eighth of an inch. No regrets. No retreats. Move forward in confidence.

Character, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Music and Theatre

Cinderella did not have an escort

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The truth is, Cinderella had wanted to go to the ball for many years. There was live music at balls. More than just about anything, Cinderella loved music. Cinderella also loved to dance. At least, she thought she would love to dance if she ever really got the chance. Then again, maybe dancing was just one of those things that sounded really good until you did it, like public speaking or something. Perhaps in another life when all men were gifted with coordination and grace and courtesy and – most of all-a great sense of rhythm, she would get her chance to go sailing across a parquet dance floor.

Year after year the invitations came. She opened them eagerly and read every word, every description of the theme, the musical selections, the plated meal. Every year she would sigh and check her bank account and lay the invitation aside and think about it until it was too late to do anything about it.

Then one year there came a triple play for her attention. First, the invitation by traditional mail. Second, the invitation by email. Thirdly, dance lessons for that specific ball were offered at a local dance studio. Dance lesson that very evening. She would never have known but for randomly checking her email while on lunch break. Who could resist a special four-session discount? Without much deliberation, Cinderella went. She learned to Foxtrot. She learned to Swing. She heard the instructor comment on the level of dancing experience of the men who would be at the ball. Who were these men? Were they coming alone? As a team? Cinderella did not know. But it did not trouble her much, because she had not yet decided whether or not she would go. Or had she? Had she committed herself to going to the ball by taking advantage of discounted dance lessons? Surely not!

At the next session, the instructor made some off-hand remarks about dancing in an evening gown. “Evening gown?” thought Cinderella in alarm. “Have I ever owned an evening gown?” Now that changes things. “Here’s what I’ll do,” said Cinderella to her roommate. “I’ll just wear my ordinary black dress and take this pumpkin with me. Everyone will have to understand my fairy godmother didn’t show.” They laughed at the joke, but Cinderella was beginning to think she should uncommit herself.

That very weekend, she went to visit her cousin in another town. “Evening Gown?” said her cousin. “Here, borrow mine.” Cinderella had not expected that response. Once again Cinderella was forced to debate the wisdom of going to the ball unaccompanied.

Over the years, Cinderella had learned there were things you never got to do if you waited for someone to go with you. She bought the ticket. One single ticket. And in so doing inadvertently served a challenge into the court of the event planner. Fund raising events and dinner shows have tables. Round tables. Tables that seat an even number of event goers. Tables for ten to sponsor for thousands of dollars. Hundred dollar plates for couples to purchase in pairs. What’s an event organizer to do with a single ticket holder? Communicate, of course, which she did promptly via email. “Do you know anyone else who is going? Can I seat you with your friends?”

“You mean I can sit with my friends? Oh yes please! I know a violinist, a couple trumpeters, a French horn player, and a saxophonist.   We go back. Way back. Are there any vacant seats next to them?” asked Cinderella. But she only asked it in her head. Instead she responded, “Feel free to place me at a singles table or the odd place to fill out a table. I am quite comfortable with music lovers young or old.”

Replied the coordinator, “I’m glad you’re coming, even as a single date. I go on self-dates all the time, but I’ve never tried a formal event before. I like that.”

And that, my children, is how Cinderella became a trendsetter. One solitary woman, past a certain age who refused to wait for an escort or a man to help her complete her bucket list. Who realized it was time to take her place as a sturdy and august patron of the arts. Her gown is borrowed, her slippers are not glass. Though her pearls are real, her fur will be faux. Her coach is Red Pearl, a trusty Subaru. She is going to the ball. And she will definitely be home before the clock strikes twelve.

 

Character, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life

No Perfect People

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Once upon a time I had a fat prejudice. Worse, I was a baby boomer raised by a mother with a fat prejudice and I was married to a man with a fat prejudice. My mother liberally cautioned me about what other people would think and my husband told me point blank what he thought. Without a shadow of doubt, I knew that I would be acceptable only if I maintained my perfect weight and continually sucked in my stomach to present a perfect body. I was often hungry and lived with the motto, “you can never be too rich nor too thin.”

I am a baby boomer, so you may ask, “Why didn’t you just wear a girdle? Folks, I must confess, there were no girdles in my size. Even the control top pantyhose hung limp. I am now an aging baby boomer who has, of necessity and scientific logic, given up all hope of an hourglass figure, though I can still shop in the junior department and wear size 4 when I shop for women my own age. Four is the new 10, you know.

I work on the front lines in a destination building, a place where folks of all ages, personalities, nationalities and physical descriptions pass through by the thousands every week. I see couples of every combination. Some fight. Some make it their business to annoy each other. But many are endearingly and enduringly matched like a pair of well-used work gloves. I see men who are not GQ models nor Rodin thinkers (yes, good looks and intellect are important to me). And I see women who love them anyway. I see women morbidly overweight, high maintenance, fashion illiterate. And I see men who love them anyway. People, it’s not the fat or thin that leads to happily ever after. Nor is success guaranteed by obeying every social rule your mama taught you.

Rather, I think happily ever after is an attitude of acceptance of the humanness of the other. There are no perfect people. Am I advocating you lower your standard to accept me? Or that I play blind to your flaws? Denying or overlooking is no more effective than lowering your body mass. I am old enough to know that I will not dilute my standard and settle ever again. I have lost two marriages and become cynical of ever meeting a man who would suit me – and I him. So what kind of attitude of acceptance am I talking about? Perhaps, just perhaps, it is an attitude of acceptance of the humanness of myself. If I ceased my harsh judgment of my own imperfections, would that render me more understanding and charitable toward others? It is worth thinking about.

 

Character, Emotional Health, Relationships, Spiritual Well Being

When did revenge become the right of the righteous?

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Oops I did it again.  I followed one of those links.  You know the ones that begin, “You’ll never believe….” I hate them.  They lack credibility. They don’t make me LOL or cry like they promise.  But then, I am a bit more analytical and skeptical – less easily entertained than the average bear.

In this case, I considered the source and took the bait. Shared between a good, mainline Christian couple, with many years of marriage to their credit; I thought it would be a comedy. What followed was a video reenactment of a young man getting revenge through publicly humiliating an unfaithful bride. Right on the wedding day. Interrupting the ceremony. Though it made some people laugh, to me it seemed more like a Shakespearean tragedy.  It made me squirm. Was the groom hurt?  Yes. Irreparably. A cuckold through the actions of his best man. Did complete and pre-meditated revenge make him feel better?

Does revenge make any of us feel better? Does it solve or salve our hurt to humiliate someone else? With all my heart and brain, I believe there are consequences when we are untrustworthy. Justice demands consequences.  Punishment may be necessary. But does justice demand public humiliation? Overkill? Unnecessary roughness? Is gouging and turning of the dagger somehow more healing than precise extrication with a surgical knife? Mercy and righteousness say, “no.” Truth must be spoken. Yes. Relationships may need to be severed. Yes.  But revenge has never been the domain of the righteous.

Judeo-Christian ethic teaches that vengeance belongs to God and God alone.  Forget your WWJD? zeal and the resulting 70 X 7.  Look a few years B.C. and ask yourself, “What would Joseph do?”

Joseph, you may remember, was engaged to Mary.  Mary was pregnant and Joseph knew he had not slept with her. “Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.”

A pox on your “Joseph had an angel,” excuses.  I refute them. Joseph had already decided to keep the law.  He had determined to keep it quietly, rather than vocally bludgeoning Mary and all her kin over the head with it. Consequences would be leveled, but without the catalyst of revenge.

Whatever happened to civility and good manners?  Why does hurt trump love? When did humility become humiliate?  What happened to doing good to your enemies? Or the golden rule?  And when did revenge become the triumphal war banner of the righteous?

 

Character, Emotional Health, Relationships, The Rules, Uncategorized

Marriage, I do not think it means what you think it means – musings by a marriage cynic

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Some of my friends – and mostly friends of friends – are euphoric. A few days ago the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that any mutually consenting couple of any gender may marry, in any of the 50 United States, and be legal.  Forget common law unions, you can have a little piece of paper that says you are legally hitched. You who celebrate, may I ask what you have gained? If Millennials don’t marry, if Baby-boomers once believed in free love anyway; who is this marriage ruling for exactly?

Marriage

Marriage. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Marriage. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

You may say this Supreme Court ruling was in favor of love. Will marriage guarantee you are loved? For centuries couples have married for love and just as many (if not more) have married for security, power or position. The legal act of Marriage does not put an end to longing and yearning. You will not be alone anymore, but you may still be lonely. Married or not, your love may or may not last.

You may say this ruling makes it possible for those in love to make a legal commitment.  Let me know how that works for you.  In my experience, people who are committed are committed with or without the legalities and people who are commitment- challenged are not magically changed by a legal document.

Is this SCOTUS ruling resoundingly in favor of sanctioned sex?  As a consummate legalist, this where I bit the dust, not once, but two times. What is it about this word sanctioned that adds catalyst to sex? If there is any more powerful motivation than sex, for a legalist, it must be the word sanctioned. What else is motivation enough for giving up your good birth name and taking on that of another? For becoming collateral? For placing all of your worldly goods, talents, reputation and education at the behest of a spouse – legally – so you have to go through an even more convoluted legal process if you ever want to get back what was yours in the beginning?

Do you think this ruling insures society’s affirmation and acknowledgement of your relationship? Opinion or Feelings are deeply rooted and not often changed by mere laws. There were people who did not sanction nor acknowledge my second marriage.  It was legal.  It was reasonable and well thought out. No matter the reasons or legalities – I was a divorced woman so a second marriage could never be acknowledged.

Do we need this ruling to legitimatize procreation?  It no longer takes a conjugal relationship of one man and one woman to procreate. I know of more than one family that consists of a committed man and woman and a test tube baby.

Do you see this as a nod in favor of companionship?  You can have solid, caring committed companionship without the legal paper that says you are married. Loyal friendships often endure for decades, simply because they are unchallenged by the legalities of marriage.

Do you think legal marriage automatically provides medical benefits? I was married for a total of 31 years. During only eight of those years did I enjoy medical coverage as a benefit of legal marriage.

To raise children! Perhaps that is the most worthy goal for legal marriage. It takes two.  At times, it even takes a village. Preferably extended family.  My heart goes out to the single parent trying to give the best life possible to children who do not have two very present parents fulltime.  Once again, I am not convinced that a marriage certificate guarantees a stable childrearing team, but yes, let’s do our best to provide a nurturing environment for the children.

It is my sad conclusion, after a lifetime of experience and observation, that you cannot legislate morality or love or commitment; nor control it with a bit of legal parchment.

Truth is, there are many wonderful things to be had with or without the benefit of legal marriage:

Love

Companionship

Commitment

Procreation

A village

Sex

Respect

Independence

Nature

Music

Beauty

In spite of my litany of negatives, some people still want desperately to be married.  And some need desperately to be sanctioned. Though I’m sticking with Inigo Montoya, in conclusion, may I heartily say,

“Dear Friends of every inclination,

May you be happy; may you be merry;

May you be gay and marry;

But most of all, may you love and be loved in return.”

 

 

 

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Family, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

When octogenarians fail to individuate

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The woman was barely in her sixties, trim, fit, well-kept; in fact, she still shopped for her clothes in the junior department, not because she was an ill-adjusted old lady, but because clothes from every other department had to be adjusted to fit.  She didn’t look a day over 45. She arrived at the party late, when things were breaking up and people were dispersing – an accurate indicator of her desire to be somewhere else, maybe up in the mountains, solitary. A distant acquaintance had invited her to this neighborhood party – pressed her to come – to someone else’s neighborhood.  Her parent’s neighborhood.  So she curtailed her hiking activities on her day off and slid in – to old home plate -just in time to greet the other guests and wave goodbye.

For a moment, her eighty-two-year-old mother’s face lit with pleasure on seeing her. Then a passing and quickly veiled expression of shock was directed toward her still shapely and tan legs protruding from stylish shorts, followed by composed greeting and introductions. Octogenarian Mama covered well, but her compulsions did not escape the 60-year-old woman. Mama tugged two or three times at the side of her own skirt bringing the fabric ever lower over her knees. It was a familiar gesture to the woman, one her mother employed liberally during the teen years to remind the daughter to cover her legs, to be more modest. 42 years.  42 years later, Mama could beam with pride outwardly, yet her subconscious betrayed her embarrassment through compulsive action.

It would be uncharitable to infer the older woman had not grown over the years. In as much as she was capable, within her limits, she made the effort to acknowledge the changes in culture, the successes of her children, to express her pride in their achievements, though they were certainly not making the exact choices she instilled in them. Like most mothers of grown children, she wanted to be a part of their lives as often as possible.  And like most grown, well-adjusted adults, the children pursued lives of their own in other cities and visited their parents sparingly. Healthily, the children, it seems, have become successful individuals. It is Mama who has failed to individuate. One simple gesture revealed volumes.  She still sees the daughter as an extension of herself. Daughter’s legs are showing and she is mortified. Who can save her from the shame?  Only herself. She must shake off that mortification and individuate. Learn to be happy and at peace by savoring her own independence as a unique individual. Respect and applaud the independence and individuation of others.  She is no longer responsible for her children.  Her reputation does not rest on them. And, in truth, they are not responsible for her happiness.

 

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being

May you be happier than you have been in a long time

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She looked happy and healthy there in the staff picture and I told her so, whereupon she confessed to being happier than she has been in a long time.  So where does this happiness come from? I say it comes because finally, her basic needs are met.

Some of us are able to soldier on indefinitely without one or more of our basic needs being satisfied.  She is one of those toughies. It is arduous work. We may be hungry for a time, homeless for a week, not belong or not be loved for a season. Relentless poverty eventually takes its toll. Often, we are so consumed by basic survival needs that we cannot create or produce at optimum levels. Our creative work, our self-actualization suffers.

“If these “deficiency needs” are not met – with the exception of the most fundamental (physiological) need – there may not be a physical indication, but the individual will feel anxious and tense. Maslow’s theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs.”

In this case, she is happy because her basic Maslowian needs of food and shelter are met and she is free to relax in joy and create. She is dependent in the sense that part of her job security includes room and board, yet she is not totally dependent.  She is independent and interdependent because she pursued this position and works hard daily to earn and maintain it. Someone acknowledges her value, promotes her well-being, provides the right amount of training and challenging outdoor activity; all in a beautiful mountain setting.

How would you like to be happier than you have been in a long time?  Why not set about to take care of yourself?  To consciously address your basic needs?  A good job may be the first step – preferably doing something you love that includes serving others while taking care of yourself. It is hugely fulfilling to be independent enough to take responsibility for yourself and have enough to share.  Frequent beautiful places.  Exercise.  Don’t quit on your music, or writing, or reading, or things that enrich your life and nourish your soul. Sleep well.  Eat well. May you be happier than you have been in a long time.

 

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Relationships, Spiritual Well Being, The Petty Pace, Travel, Uncategorized

Detour to self care

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Surprise!  I took a detour on the way home! It’s about time!  At the ripe of age of 60, I am finally learning how to take care of myself.

When I left work on Monday night, I knew it was high time for a little self-care.  I was stressed, rattled and burned out.  It was the beginning of my weekend.  What could I do to restore my spirit? Piano practice, walk meditation and even a bit of sleep were preempted in a bid to pack, load and get on the road early Tuesday morning.  Severe weather warnings forecast snow above 10,000 feet and portions of I-70 I would be traveling. The scenery through Glenwood Canyon was gorgeous. Snow was falling to the west and the east of Vail. Georgetown Visitor Center was beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I lingered there in Georgetown, to fortify my body and emotions for the climb through Bergen Park, Evergreen and finally to the cabin I called home for seven years. I collected my daughter Andrea and her belongings at high noon as previously agreed. 12 o’clock straight up turned out to be lunchtime, so we joined her dad for a quick sit-down meal at Qdoba and then moved forward.  At teatime, we dropped in on an old college roommate in Gunnison. We arrived at AEI basecamp at 6:00 p.m. after a few miles of power driving in the mud and were hospitably welcomed by the staff. A quick unload and a nice evening walk through the woods ended up in the chapel with a piano.  A walk. A piano. I slept well. Another mountain hike next morning continued the work of beauty and restoration on my spirits so I was not in bad shape at all as I made the descent from Black Canyon to Montrose.

And then, it happened. Spontaneously I made the best decision of the day, I turned left toward Ouray.  I checked myself in to the Wiesbaden hot springs and was the only individual in the pool and the vapor cave for nearly an hour.  The first dip had my heart and voice crying thanksgiving. Wow.

Proper self-care requires thought and work.   Good, intentional choices.

Sometimes, self-care costs a little extra in terms of logic – self-talk to keep yourself from feeling guilty. I was raised not to play until my work was done.  Not to take care of myself until I finished taking care of others. I learned early on; my work was never done.  Over the years, I discovered the needs of some others were like a black hole – the more care you lavish, the more they need. While self-sacrifice is an essential component of love, self-sacrifice as a goal in itself is not worthy.

When I am not quite at peace for known or unknown reasons, a combination of good choices seems to put me back on the right track.  Putting yourself on the right track is the only way to stay fit to care for others or work efficiently.

Good choices in self-care may entail leisure, a vacation, a favorite activity.  Many of those activities cost money.  So I work, and I work hard, to be able to afford to take care of myself.

This time my little detour cost me about $50. I had to get through the guilt of spending $50 on myself with nothing tangible to show for it.

It would not have been possible to take care of myself in this way – or even support my daughter with transportation – but for my full time job and a difficult choice I made last August.  I moved in with roommates.

It was a hard choice, because the solitude of living alone is also a way I care for myself. On the other hand, shared expenses leave more wiggle room for travel and spontaneous detours. What do you need to take care of yourself?

Music? A good book? A hike?  Travel? Sleep?  A 60-mile detour and dinner out?

Get on with it ! May you be energized by a new perspective!

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Work

Job serenity or job security?

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The courage to change the things I can

I will leave, she said.

I will resign. I will pack up my skills and gifts and find someone who acknowledges and values me. I would not put up with this kind of churlish denigration from family members be they parents or spouse.  I have gone the extra mile. I understand contentment in service to others in authority, and I understand gaining freedom when you can. If I would not permit this kind of treatment at the hands of family whom I love, why should I permit it from someone to whom I have no connection other than they hold the stability of my job in their capricious hands?  Is this the time I should choose to gain my freedom? What price freedom?

The wisdom to know the difference

“There is no question.  I have the wisdom,” she said. “I have the skills and the experience to do something bigger and better.”  So she betook herself to the job boards to seek a better life. At that very moment, there were no vacancies remotely suitable to her goals and needs. Too hard. Too soft.  Too hot.  Too cold. Too big.  Too small.

“I will sleep on it,” she said. And she did.  As she drifted off to sleep, she mused on the perfect job; something enjoyable and rewarding in every way; consisting of just the right amounts of people time, alone time and creative challenge.

“I think,” said she on waking.  “I think the job I now have fits that description.  Why should I initiate the grueling unemployment routine just because of one or two persons acting like a bear?”

Then she understood with clarity; often the one thing you cannot change is a person.

 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference (Serenity Prayer by  Reinhold Niebuhr ).

 “Anyway,” she said, feeling a bit like Goldilocks, “why should I let one or two bears frighten me?  My boss attempts to motivate with warnings, veiled threats and putdowns.  But, I am self-motivated and care not for posturing. What is there to fear?  Serene and independent, I will stay until it is time for me to go.”

And I, acting as Little Red Writing Hood, affirmed and adopted her perspective of acceptance, courage and wisdom.  Because, after all, daily work is rarely a fairy tale.