Category Archives: co-dependence

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being

Trust, Denial, and Isolation

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The hard truth is; anyone is capable at any time of going off the deep end and becoming untrustworthy; disloyal.  I have tried so hard to trust.  I know I need to trust in order to enjoy friendship, or relationships of any sort, but something makes me skeptical, aloof.  I isolate myself in order to insulate and protect.  Then, I become desperate for relationships, and in my desperation, I deny, overlook, ignore the propensity for humans in general to commit serious glitches in dependability or trust. Blindly, I choose someone just to be close; to wrap a bandage, to suture up the loneliness-and it happens again.  The foundation, the rug, is jerked from under me.

This is why I need a Higher Power, an all knowing, all perfect, all Love, being to trust.  Communication with this Higher Power centers me, tunes me in to the rhythm of the Universe, shows me the highest in excellence and truth, and teaches me to trust myself so that I can weather the ups and downs of relationship with other humans.  With trust in a Higher Power, and trust in myself, I can stand steady and confident rather than be jerked about by the opinions and infidelities of others.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Blame and Shame and Easter and Passover

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What is with me that I cannot seem to leave the guilt of a failed relationship until I have proved myself in the right?  That’s exactly what BJ did.  He proved to himself that he was in the right-that all the blame was mine-and therefore he can move on and I will shoulder the blame.  What legalists we are.  How judgmental.  How full of shame and blame for others and ourselves.  If we would just forgive ourselves; would that not do away with the necessity of finding others to blame? 

(excerpt from the work in progress, Before I Went Crazy, Cherry Odelberg, 2010).

Today I am asking myself, “Does the element of blame have to be present to prove a point?” Is blame a necessary ingredient of debate?  Is blame part of a grammatically correct sentence, a leg of logical debate, necessary to well phrased rhetoric?  Why do I insist on either laying blame or accepting blame?

Elizabeth Gilbert, in a most excellent read titled; Eat, Pray, Love (Penguin 2006) says, “…the rules of transcendence  insist that you will not advance even one inch closer to divinity as long as you cling to even one last seductive thread of blame.”

Apparently that’s why we need a savior, a redeemer, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat, and why we need to be reminded of this often.  As Gilbert goes on to say, “This is what rituals are for.  We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don’t have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down.  We all need such places of ritual safekeeping (2006).”

So today, as the sunshine returns and we are on the edge of spring; I resolve to let go of blame; especially self-recrimination, and thus free myself of blaming others, too.  Spring is a time of rebirth. Breathe deep!  Take your first cry in a new world!

“I let go of my failure, I let go of success; I let go of perfection; I let go of this mess… Now its time to let go of my guilt; And I know its time to let go of regret; And I let go of frustration; And I forgive and forget; I release all control; and I hold nothing back…”  Kevin Decker, from the Song, Hold On, by Hail the Sound, 2010 http://www.myspace.com/hailthesound

Character, co-dependence, Goals and Dreams, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

A Maverick, and Alone

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Have you ever come to a place in your thought life, where you felt like a maverick adventurer; going forward to places those around you had never been, nor ever thought of going?  Or did you find yourself, with a bit of trepidation, thinking thoughts, toying with philosophies you had been trained were dangerously wrong, maybe evil? And you felt like you were all alone; yet, you had no choice but to press forward?  Then, wonder of wonders, by chance, a book falls into your hands and in the pages you find much of your biography, your musings, attributed to a fictional character by some author halfway across the continent whom you have never met. At once you realize, with joy, that you are not alone.  That is the kind of book I want to write. This has happened to me frequently enough in my life that I want to-not return the favor, but – pass it on.

I am two chapters in to a book by Brian D McLaren, The Story We Find Ourselves In. I am finding myself in this book. I hope to go on finding myself the rest of my life. Sometime around Christmas a good friend and confidant gave me a copy of McLaren’s, A New Kind of Christian, which I thoroughly devoured and passed on to another friend. While ordering an additional copy to keep on hand, I decided to order the sequel also. I must admit, I am not a fan of sequels.  I could have been perfectly content after the first Pirates of the Caribbean, or the first National Treasure. But this second in the series by McLaren?  This is a page turner for me. I am not alone.  I have never been alone, just tardy.  I am behind the pack, somewhat due to my own late blooming characteristic, and much to the fault of those who dutifully discipled me with harangue and shame. I am an adult now, and it is time for me to mentor others and encourage them along. Many writers and scholars are ahead of me-but as fast as I read and think, I should catch them soon- even while going back to rescue breathe for others who are languishing like I was. Someday, we can all party together.

Here are some books that changed my life:  1) The Robe, by Lloyd C. Douglas; 2) Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, The Great Divorce, Surprised By Joy – all by C.S. Lewis; 3) A New Kind of Christian and The Story We Find Ourselves In, by Brian McLaren.

What books have changed your life? Blown off the ceiling for your dreams and philosophies?

Addiction, Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Photos, Spiritual Well Being, The Petty Pace, The Rules, Uncategorized

My Answer

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I have decided to throw myself on God’s Mercy and Grace, rather than to stand stubbornly in my own rags of self-righteousness,  weathering the storm on my own strength by declaring that I will keep my word.  What strength do I have?  None.  What strength does God have?  The Universe! 

This is one more application of the 12 Steps to Recovery provided by Alcoholics Anonymous.  The steps I am thinking of today go something like this:  I admit that I am powerless and my life unmanageable. I believe that a Higher Power can restore me to sanity. I am seeking to increase contact with that Higher Power through meditation and meditative walks.

If this sounds interesting to you, check out these links: http://hazelden.org/

http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm and be sure and read some of the books on my favorite books page!

Addiction, Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, Music and Theatre, Spiritual Well Being, The Petty Pace, Uncategorized

Happy Day After Christmas To You!

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How did you wake up this morning?  Elated?  Deflated?

Most of us are mature and experienced enough to exercise caution when it comes to the holidays.  We know the pitfalls – be they social and familial or social and ingestible – and we prep our minds, if not our bodies, for them.  We know not to expect too much.  We don’t want to be disappointed in the holidays; we just want to survive the holidays. It really came as no surprise to me that it took an extra two hours of dozing and subconscious working through of issues – both psychological and nutritional—Followed by the writing of five pages in my journal, to be ready to meet this day after Christmas. The big revelation, however, is that there exists a holiday backlash – be your holidays good or bad!  It takes just as much emotional energy to process the good that exceeds our expectations, as it does to process disappointments. I am an old and cracked vessel and must be careful not to burst in the ferment of JOY and WONDER. I have had a good life, of late, and it is almost more than I can bear.  Happy Day After Christmas to you!

Addiction, Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Poetry and Prose, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Snow Delirious

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I know now why deer do that little sideways hop.  I did it myself this afternoon in the sun and the snow out along the ridge. What a luxury to be free and out walking in the full sun just before it nodded in the west. The foot of snow we got last week has diminished and receded from the large boulders in sculpted, bevel-edged swoops and hollows; but the crackling fog cloud of this morning built long, sparkling, luxurious crystals on all the remaining snow drifts.  Mud is scarce and the snow delightfully squishy and plentiful. My booted feet craved to burrow in the crunchy snow dunes with the same motion used bare in the Pacific beach sands way back in summer.  My gloved hands irresistibly, ravenously, reached toward the untouched, minute shards of ice.  This is material, tangible, hunger and desire at its best, for its fulfillment is abundant and freely had- a daily gift from the creator. Oh, the delicious out of doors and sunshine!

Addiction, Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being

Wounded and Broken Hearted

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“What I don’t want to be is wounded and never healed.  I don’t want to die of a broken heart, only to discover that I had the means to mend it, but waited for someone else to see the need and meet it.  Codependency is such a two edged sword. I spent my whole life doing for others, in the hope that someone would see my need and do for me.  I didn’t feel it was right to meet my own needs.  When I noticed that I had needs or desires, I ignored them, or outright denied them-rejected them and told them to go away. It seemed so self-centered if I paid attention to myself.  Never-the-less, while I ignored the desires of my heart and self-sacrificially gave to meet the needs of others, my reserves to give were dwindling. “But,” I reasoned to myself, “It’s not self-sacrifice if you have unlimited reserves, is it?” Deep down, I knew that this giving thing, ministering, serving; is supposed to be reciprocal. No one was filling my well back up and I became starved, parched, and finally:  resentful” (Excerpted from a work in progress, “Before I Went Crazy.”).

Dear Reader, As you go about your Thanksgiving and Christmas preparations, I encourage you to take some time to care for yourself; to be about the business of fulfilling your own God-given destiny.  Yes, serve and minister to others- but, not to a fault.  Take care that you do not do it to the point of exhaustion and resentment.

 

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Poetry and Prose, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

The Rose Bush

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The rose bush is still blooming.author

Three new buds present, unopened on the upper stakes of the vermillion bush.  Yesterday I brought a half blown rose to the little vase on my dining table to replace the wilted specimen from last week. I have had fresh roses on my table for two months.

The rose bush that someone landscaped 20 years ago and carefully tended in the small backyard of this rental townhouse is still blooming.  I am grateful to that caring person for giving verve and color to the small private space. I acknowledge that no hard freeze has yet struck our neighborhood. I am also aware that the enduring beauty and survival of blooms is partly due to my careful watering, attentiveness and consistent pruning. 

May I exercise that same care and stewardship over my own comings and goings so that I bloom far into the winter!

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Poverty, Spiritual Well Being, The Petty Pace

Affirmations

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CherryAt first I thought they were silly – not to mention sloppy: little sticky notes everywhere; three by five cards taped over the sink and on the refrigerator. I once made a reminder which said, “Smile,” and taped it to my bathroom mirror. The next day when I exited the shower, I looked up expectantly, waiting for encouragement, only to be disappointed.  The strip of ordinary white paper was rippled from the steam and running red marker letters were fast blurring into watercolor hieroglyphics. My tentative smile felt a bit as though my spirit had been caught in the rain in non-waterproof makeup and a crinoline dress.

Never-the-less, these little reminders must be effective.  Graduate language students continue to step in and out of elevators and bump into normal folks while reading little cards always in abundant supply from a vest pocket. Music teachers and Math teachers still recommend flash cards. Life coaches persist in prodding clients to meditate daily, murmur canned prayers, and, above all – Affirm yourself!

 Since I am a music teacher and have experienced first hand the positive results of the flash cars mentioned above; I have come to see the logic and benefit in daily review and affirmation.  Today I invite you into my inner sanctum of meditation and thought to share my current affirmations – private to me; yet publicly available to all in the widely published book known as The Bible.  The thing that is most affirming to me is that I did not go in search of these particular verses and themes.  I came across them during natural times of meditation and daily need.

 Do not neglect your gift; which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you.  I Timothy 4:14

 Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.  I Timothy 4:15

 But one thing I do:  forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13b

 The peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things…and the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:7,8,9.

 God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19

 It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.  Philippians 2:13

 [Today] God fulfills his purpose for me.  My heart is steadfast.  I will sing and make music.  Psalm 57

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Victoriously across the finish line (see previous post)

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Dear Anonymous,

Crossing the finish line is undeniably cliché, quite general, and maybe even a bit indirect or obscure; but, my intent was to use a time worn metaphor to suggest keeping my focus on a goal.  In this case the metaphor might be applied to several milestones.

Do I mean “when my life ends.”? As we take the Apostle Paul to mean when he says, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished the course?”  Yes. 

Do I also mean that I want to hurry up and cross the finish line (die) as soon as possible?  No. (Although there is some truth, and I identify somewhat with a poem we read in high school about it being best for heroes to die young while the fame of their deeds and the laurel wreath was still fresh-before the applause dies down and they are forgotten).  But, heavens!  I need to do something to be lauded and wreathed for first!

 Do I mean that I want to run several successful races, meet several substantial goals along the way?  Yes. I am not putting all my effort, pinning all my hopes, on one gigantic race or project that concludes when life ends. 

 As a recovering co-dependent, recovery/emotional health is one of those substantial goals.  In the past, my yearning and longing has focused on being loved and approved of. It has been my tendency to strive to make myself indispensable, to find my fulfillment or alter my mood by meeting the needs of others (and thereby claiming their praise and approval). While it is a fine thing to give of oneself; it is dangerous to live one’s life solely to meet the goals of someone else.   It is the most irresponsible thing a very conscientious person can do. My goal right now (from which I must NOT be deterred by longing and yearning) is to “Be all that my creator intended for me to be” (and that’s not an Army ad).   I have additional, more specific, short and longer term goals regarding my writing and my music.

In conclusion, when I wrote, “may I harness the yearning and longing and let them be a matched team that pulls my chariot victoriously across the finish line,” I was referring to short term goals, long term goals and final goals.

Perhaps Emerson expressed it more succinctly when he penned , “Sail into port grandly; or be content to sail with God the seas.”