Why I did it, I’ll never know, but there was this dog-running down the busy four lane road adjacent to our neighborhood. Well, I WAS looking for adventure of sorts; or maybe just a calm, peaceful sightseeing tour to finish off the night. I arrived home from the Sweet Adelines Christmas party a whole 30 minutes earlier than usual and decided to give Phil a call on his phone to see if he wanted to go check out Christmas lights in an expansive neighborhood next door. The car was nice and warm, the temperature outside well below freezing and I really didn’t want the chill of running up to the house- why should I discomfort myself in this age of technology? Phil answered his phone, but he wasn’t home. He was with Kev, moving gear into the new recording studio set to open any day now. “Come on down, Mom,” they invited. Right. I was just down there. Once for the party and once earlier to fetch Philip from work. So, I declined and proceeded to take myself on what I thought would be a relaxing 7 minute ride around the block and then home to bed. But, as I said, there was this dog running down the busy road. This dog that looked a little bit like the dog of my best friend’s boyfriend, and a little bit like the dog of my youngest son’s girlfriend, and a bit like a dog who comes through the carpool line at school each evening. Well, I did the only logical thing: I pulled the car over, opened the door and invited the dog in. It smelled like wet dog. I picked her up in my faux suede, dry clean only, coat and deposited her on the passenger seat. She was quite happy to go for a ride – into the nearest parking lot, where I checked her dog tag. Tried to check her dog tag would be more accurate. First I had to turn on the overhead light, then I had to coax her back to the front seat (she had gone exploring in the rear of the car) then I had to fish in my purse for my reading glasses and then the dog kept turning her head while I tried to read the phone number on the tag. Good heavens! What had I got myself into? The address was a little town about 15 miles away. I dialed the number and got a live body who told me the dog was staying at a house——-right across the street – in my subdivision. I delivered the dog within 3 minutes. Now why did I even stop? Every stray puppy, I guess. I could not stand to see a little dog crossing and re-crossing the street; when maybe, you know, I might be helpful and rescue it. I just couldn’t bear it if the little thing got hit.
Category Archives: co-dependence
Carried Shame and the Author
During the course of the writing of my just completed novel I read a number of books about codependence and addiction; not only the usual alcoholism or chemical dependency treatises; but also writings about clean addictions such as caretaking, affirmation addiction, or the currently popular: workaholism
One reoccurring concept, pinpointed as a factor in addiction, which I at first had a hard time wrapping my mind around, was the idea of carried shame. The concept reoccurs often enough that it is safe to say it is a contributing factor in the development of codependence or addiction in an individual. That is; carried shame causes addiction. Carried shame causes the workaholism of the caretaking codependent.
As near as I understand it, carried shame is when one person does or says something abusive or shameful to another. The victim, or the recipient, sees that the perpetrator should be ashamed and is ashamed or embarrassed for them. Or perhaps the recipient is ashamed for being the one that triggered the shameful thing, revealing the flaw in the perpetrator. The victim / recipient is painfully embarrassed or ashamed for the person perpetrating the incident and carries that shame forward in life; trying to assuage the pain (cope) through a variety of ways; perhaps self-medicating with alcohol, or perhaps merely striving to be perfect.
The carrying forward of Carried Shame is most clearly seen in individuals who have suffered violent physical / sexual abuse and self medicate via chemical abuse; but carried shame can also turn up in the most unusual places.
WWJD? Is a fine thing to ask oneself. Yet, too often I have heard it used by bullies in position of authority. It goes something like this: What would Jesus do? Well I’ll tell you exactly what He would have you do. Listen up. I’ve got it all figured out. Just do exactly what I tell you to do; exactly the way I tell you to do it and you will be doing exactly what Jesus wants you to do. Slip up, do any less than precisely what I tell you and….you know where you are going.
This, this abuses the follower or the sinner shamelessly in order to manipulate them, to control them, to meet the standard of the bully, the church, the family or the organization. And this, I believe, causes pain and fear and carried shame.
Anger
When does anger go away? When one’s needs are met.
Trouble is; one often spends one’s life expecting someone else to meet one’s need. In actual fact; I am the only one who can meet my needs. So it follows that my anger goes away when I learn to meet my own needs; take responsibility for my own happiness; take care of myself well rather than second guessing the needs of others and then waiting for someone else to notice and meet my needs, reinforce or reassure. I speak of adults, of course. Children have age appropriate needs. I am no longer a child. I am an adult. How about you?