Category Archives: Emotional Health

Character, Emotional Health, Relationships, Spiritual Well Being

When did revenge become the right of the righteous?

August 2, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

Oops I did it again. I followed one of those links. You know the ones that begin, “You’ll never believe….” I hate them. They lack credibility. They don’t make me LOL or cry like they promise. But then, I am a bit more analytical and skeptical – less easily entertained than the average bear.

In this case, I considered the source and took the bait. Shared between a good, mainline Christian couple, with many years of marriage to their credit; I thought it would be a comedy. What followed was a video reenactment of a young man getting revenge through publicly humiliating an unfaithful bride. Right on the wedding day. Interrupting the ceremony. Though it made some people laugh, to me it seemed more like a Shakespearean tragedy. It made me squirm. Was the groom hurt? Yes. Irreparably. A cuckold through the actions of his best man. Did complete and pre-meditated revenge make him feel better?

Does revenge make any of us feel better? Does it solve or salve our hurt to humiliate someone else? With all my heart and brain, I believe there are consequences when we are untrustworthy. Justice demands consequences. Punishment may be necessary. But does justice demand public humiliation? Overkill? Unnecessary roughness? Is gouging and turning of the dagger somehow more healing than precise extrication with a surgical knife? Mercy and righteousness say, “no.” Truth must be spoken. Yes. Relationships may need to be severed. Yes. But revenge has never been the domain of the righteous.

Judeo-Christian ethic teaches that vengeance belongs to God and God alone. Forget your WWJD? zeal and the resulting 70 X 7. Look a few years B.C. and ask yourself, “What would Joseph do?”

Joseph, you may remember, was engaged to Mary. Mary was pregnant and Joseph knew he had not slept with her. “Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.”

A pox on your “Joseph had an angel,” excuses. I refute them. Joseph had already decided to keep the law. He had determined to keep it quietly, rather than vocally bludgeoning Mary and all her kin over the head with it. Consequences would be leveled, but without the catalyst of revenge.

Whatever happened to civility and good manners? Why does hurt trump love? When did humility become humiliate? What happened to doing good to your enemies? Or the golden rule? And when did revenge become the triumphal war banner of the righteous?

Character, Emotional Health, Relationships, The Rules, Uncategorized

Marriage, I do not think it means what you think it means – musings by a marriage cynic

June 30, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

Some of my friends – and mostly friends of friends – are euphoric. A few days ago the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that any mutually consenting couple of any gender may marry, in any of the 50 United States, and be legal. Forget common law unions, you can have a little piece of paper that says you are legally hitched. You who celebrate, may I ask what you have gained? If Millennials don’t marry, if Baby-boomers once believed in free love anyway; who is this marriage ruling for exactly?

Marriage

You may say this Supreme Court ruling was in favor of love. Will marriage guarantee you are loved? For centuries couples have married for love and just as many (if not more) have married for security, power or position. The legal act of Marriage does not put an end to longing and yearning. You will not be alone anymore, but you may still be lonely. Married or not, your love may or may not last.

You may say this ruling makes it possible for those in love to make a legal commitment. Let me know how that works for you. In my experience, people who are committed are committed with or without the legalities and people who are commitment- challenged are not magically changed by a legal document.

Is this SCOTUS ruling resoundingly in favor of sanctioned sex? As a consummate legalist, this where I bit the dust, not once, but two times. What is it about this word sanctioned that adds catalyst to sex? If there is any more powerful motivation than sex, for a legalist, it must be the word sanctioned. What else is motivation enough for giving up your good birth name and taking on that of another? For becoming collateral? For placing all of your worldly goods, talents, reputation and education at the behest of a spouse – legally – so you have to go through an even more convoluted legal process if you ever want to get back what was yours in the beginning?

Do you think this ruling insures society’s affirmation and acknowledgement of your relationship? Opinion or Feelings are deeply rooted and not often changed by mere laws. There were people who did not sanction nor acknowledge my second marriage. It was legal. It was reasonable and well thought out. No matter the reasons or legalities – I was a divorced woman so a second marriage could never be acknowledged.

Do we need this ruling to legitimatize procreation? It no longer takes a conjugal relationship of one man and one woman to procreate. I know of more than one family that consists of a committed man and woman and a test tube baby.

Do you see this as a nod in favor of companionship? You can have solid, caring committed companionship without the legal paper that says you are married. Loyal friendships often endure for decades, simply because they are unchallenged by the legalities of marriage.

Do you think legal marriage automatically provides medical benefits? I was married for a total of 31 years. During only eight of those years did I enjoy medical coverage as a benefit of legal marriage.

To raise children! Perhaps that is the most worthy goal for legal marriage. It takes two. At times, it even takes a village. Preferably extended family. My heart goes out to the single parent trying to give the best life possible to children who do not have two very present parents fulltime. Once again, I am not convinced that a marriage certificate guarantees a stable childrearing team, but yes, let’s do our best to provide a nurturing environment for the children.

It is my sad conclusion, after a lifetime of experience and observation, that you cannot legislate morality or love or commitment; nor control it with a bit of legal parchment.

Truth is, there are many wonderful things to be had with or without the benefit of legal marriage:

Love

Companionship

Commitment

Procreation

A village

Sex

Respect

Independence

Nature

Music

Beauty

In spite of my litany of negatives, some people still want desperately to be married. And some need desperately to be sanctioned. Though I’m sticking with Inigo Montoya, in conclusion, may I heartily say,

“Dear Friends of every inclination,

May you be happy; may you be merry;

May you be gay and marry;

But most of all, may you love and be loved in return.”

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Family, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

When octogenarians fail to individuate

June 23, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

The woman was barely in her sixties, trim, fit, well-kept; in fact, she still shopped for her clothes in the junior department, not because she was an ill-adjusted old lady, but because clothes from every other department had to be adjusted to fit. She didn’t look a day over 45. She arrived at the party late, when things were breaking up and people were dispersing – an accurate indicator of her desire to be somewhere else, maybe up in the mountains, solitary. A distant acquaintance had invited her to this neighborhood party – pressed her to come – to someone else’s neighborhood. Her parent’s neighborhood. So she curtailed her hiking activities on her day off and slid in – to old home plate -just in time to greet the other guests and wave goodbye.

For a moment, her eighty-two-year-old mother’s face lit with pleasure on seeing her. Then a passing and quickly veiled expression of shock was directed toward her still shapely and tan legs protruding from stylish shorts, followed by composed greeting and introductions. Octogenarian Mama covered well, but her compulsions did not escape the 60-year-old woman. Mama tugged two or three times at the side of her own skirt bringing the fabric ever lower over her knees. It was a familiar gesture to the woman, one her mother employed liberally during the teen years to remind the daughter to cover her legs, to be more modest. 42 years. 42 years later, Mama could beam with pride outwardly, yet her subconscious betrayed her embarrassment through compulsive action.

It would be uncharitable to infer the older woman had not grown over the years. In as much as she was capable, within her limits, she made the effort to acknowledge the changes in culture, the successes of her children, to express her pride in their achievements, though they were certainly not making the exact choices she instilled in them. Like most mothers of grown children, she wanted to be a part of their lives as often as possible. And like most grown, well-adjusted adults, the children pursued lives of their own in other cities and visited their parents sparingly. Healthily, the children, it seems, have become successful individuals. It is Mama who has failed to individuate. One simple gesture revealed volumes. She still sees the daughter as an extension of herself. Daughter’s legs are showing and she is mortified. Who can save her from the shame? Only herself. She must shake off that mortification and individuate. Learn to be happy and at peace by savoring her own independence as a unique individual. Respect and applaud the independence and individuation of others. She is no longer responsible for her children. Her reputation does not rest on them. And, in truth, they are not responsible for her happiness.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being

May you be happier than you have been in a long time

June 14, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

She looked happy and healthy there in the staff picture and I told her so, whereupon she confessed to being happier than she has been in a long time. So where does this happiness come from? I say it comes because finally, her basic needs are met.

Some of us are able to soldier on indefinitely without one or more of our basic needs being satisfied. She is one of those toughies. It is arduous work. We may be hungry for a time, homeless for a week, not belong or not be loved for a season. Relentless poverty eventually takes its toll. Often, we are so consumed by basic survival needs that we cannot create or produce at optimum levels. Our creative work, our self-actualization suffers.

“If these “deficiency needs” are not met – with the exception of the most fundamental (physiological) need – there may not be a physical indication, but the individual will feel anxious and tense. Maslow’s theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs.”

In this case, she is happy because her basic Maslowian needs of food and shelter are met and she is free to relax in joy and create. She is dependent in the sense that part of her job security includes room and board, yet she is not totally dependent. She is independent and interdependent because she pursued this position and works hard daily to earn and maintain it. Someone acknowledges her value, promotes her well-being, provides the right amount of training and challenging outdoor activity; all in a beautiful mountain setting.

How would you like to be happier than you have been in a long time? Why not set about to take care of yourself? To consciously address your basic needs? A good job may be the first step – preferably doing something you love that includes serving others while taking care of yourself. It is hugely fulfilling to be independent enough to take responsibility for yourself and have enough to share. Frequent beautiful places. Exercise. Don’t quit on your music, or writing, or reading, or things that enrich your life and nourish your soul. Sleep well. Eat well. May you be happier than you have been in a long time.

Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Hiking and outdoor beauty

I thought I was going crazy, but I’m just growing older

June 8, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

Colorado Rocky Mountain high hiking early on a hazy summer morning may find you more than a little bit high – you may be positively loopy. I thought I was going crazy.

To begin with, I rose 45 minutes earlier on my day off just to take a hike with a friend. We both needed a break. Real Estate has been a tough business these past few years. My management job is caught somewhere between the vision and the reality. We arranged a luxury hike – my car was parked at the lower trailhead and someone was dropping us off at the upper. All you have to do upon completing a luxury hike is get in your waiting car and go out to lunch. I parked my car, retrieved my knapsack, double-checked that I locked my car and climbed into the backseat of the waiting vehicle.

Secondly, on our way to the trailhead, we passed a late model abandoned car parked eerily at right angels to the side of the road, both front tires in the ditch, obstructing an entire lane, which was somewhat unsettling.

When we arrived at the drop-off point, our elevation gain had been roughly two-thousand feet over that of the valley below where we live. It usually takes more than that to make me lightheaded, but hey, there’s a first time for everything and I felt the teeniest bit dizzy.

Our driver pulled into a space at the trailhead. We grabbed our daypacks – complete with 2 liter water reservoirs – and exited the car. I fished in a side pocket of my pack for a phone to call and report the abandoned vehicle. My friend beat me to it and dialed the proper authority. I began to rummage for my camera. Must have a photo documenting the start of our trek. “Want me to take your picture?” she asked. Last time we hiked together I had the camera and she used her cell phone. I shook my head and continued digging through my pack. Our driver was gone. “Well, you are going to have to do all the picture taking today,” I conceded. “I don’t have my camera. It must have fallen out in the car seat.”

I felt a bit confused. I distinctly remembered stuffing it in a side pocket of the pack before leaving home. Perhaps it fell out in my own car seat before I transferred baggage. My usually conscientious nature was beginning to manifest a bit of tarnish. This particular friend is always picking up on details others miss, so when she whipped out a camera nearly identical to mine a quarter mile into the hike; I thought she was sporting with me. “Did I lay it on a rock when I pulled my phone out?” I asked myself. Aloud I said, “Hey, your camera is just like mine!” She replied innocuously and continued to snap occasional photos.

Her preference is wildflowers. I usually favor unique rock formations and light.

Pleasant weather and good conversation conspired to make the miles go fast. Hot and perspiring, we climbed in my car at the end of the trail. I checked all the seats. No camera. After delivering my friend to her front door, I proceeded home to empty my backpack and retrace my steps of the morning. Still no camera. Such a shame if it was lost. This one recently replaced its earlier model, same color predecessor which wore out after four years’ daily use. It seems it is rather expensive to be going slowly crazy. What essential item would I loose next? It was a great hike and nothing to show for it!

A few hours later I received an email which said in part, “-and thanks for the camera. Mine was still unused, deep in the other pocket. Noticed this when I went to download the photos.”

So. I am happy to report I am not going crazy after all. I was coming down with a capricious cough and – – I am getting older. Happy Birthday to me. I have my camera back.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Relationships, Spiritual Well Being, The Petty Pace, Travel, Uncategorized

Detour to self care

May 25, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

Surprise! I took a detour on the way home! It’s about time! At the ripe of age of 60, I am finally learning how to take care of myself.

When I left work on Monday night, I knew it was high time for a little self-care. I was stressed, rattled and burned out. It was the beginning of my weekend. What could I do to restore my spirit? Piano practice, walk meditation and even a bit of sleep were preempted in a bid to pack, load and get on the road early Tuesday morning. Severe weather warnings forecast snow above 10,000 feet and portions of I-70 I would be traveling. The scenery through Glenwood Canyon was gorgeous. Snow was falling to the west and the east of Vail. Georgetown Visitor Center was beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I lingered there in Georgetown, to fortify my body and emotions for the climb through Bergen Park, Evergreen and finally to the cabin I called home for seven years. I collected my daughter Andrea and her belongings at high noon as previously agreed. 12 o’clock straight up turned out to be lunchtime, so we joined her dad for a quick sit-down meal at Qdoba and then moved forward. At teatime, we dropped in on an old college roommate in Gunnison. We arrived at AEI basecamp at 6:00 p.m. after a few miles of power driving in the mud and were hospitably welcomed by the staff. A quick unload and a nice evening walk through the woods ended up in the chapel with a piano. A walk. A piano. I slept well. Another mountain hike next morning continued the work of beauty and restoration on my spirits so I was not in bad shape at all as I made the descent from Black Canyon to Montrose.

And then, it happened. Spontaneously I made the best decision of the day, I turned left toward Ouray. I checked myself in to the Wiesbaden hot springs and was the only individual in the pool and the vapor cave for nearly an hour. The first dip had my heart and voice crying thanksgiving. Wow.

Proper self-care requires thought and work. Good, intentional choices.

Sometimes, self-care costs a little extra in terms of logic – self-talk to keep yourself from feeling guilty. I was raised not to play until my work was done. Not to take care of myself until I finished taking care of others. I learned early on; my work was never done. Over the years, I discovered the needs of some others were like a black hole – the more care you lavish, the more they need. While self-sacrifice is an essential component of love, self-sacrifice as a goal in itself is not worthy.

When I am not quite at peace for known or unknown reasons, a combination of good choices seems to put me back on the right track. Putting yourself on the right track is the only way to stay fit to care for others or work efficiently.

Good choices in self-care may entail leisure, a vacation, a favorite activity. Many of those activities cost money. So I work, and I work hard, to be able to afford to take care of myself.

This time my little detour cost me about $50. I had to get through the guilt of spending $50 on myself with nothing tangible to show for it.

It would not have been possible to take care of myself in this way – or even support my daughter with transportation – but for my full time job and a difficult choice I made last August. I moved in with roommates.

It was a hard choice, because the solitude of living alone is also a way I care for myself. On the other hand, shared expenses leave more wiggle room for travel and spontaneous detours. What do you need to take care of yourself?

Music? A good book? A hike? Travel? Sleep? A 60-mile detour and dinner out?

Get on with it ! May you be energized by a new perspective!

Books and other Soul Food, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Music and Theatre, Religion, Spiritual Well Being

Ebony and Ivory -Confiding in the keys

May 17, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

I got a bit historical at the piano the other night. My roommate, who was baking muffins in the open kitchen just above me, got a glimpse into my very heart, soul and spiritual journey in that moment – ‘tho she may not know it.

Rather than rehearsing through my usual repertoire of folk and pop, performed predominately at nursing homes, I let memory and experiment have free expression. Using all 88 keys and liberal glissandos, I took my childhood musical memories on a tour into adulthood. I dredged up Sunday school songs, folk songs and a smattering of top 40 – mostly things I had never tried to improvise before. What came out?

Dormant feelings. Repressed pain and joy. Snippets and pieces, long forgotten and now ruminated on. Thankfully, my roommate loves piano and overlooks the imperfections – especially when we are both doing common ordinary utilitarian things like baking and practicing.

She hummed along and danced about her work. We share the same birth year and a similar religious upbringing so most of the melodies were familiar to her. She did, however, pause for a chuckle when I came flourishing down from a rollicking “Do Lord” to a sultry “Imagine.”

No one. No one knows me so well as my piano. Every now and then my soul is laid bare and then healed – comforted. 30 minutes spent on a wooden bench addressing 88 keys yields more self-awareness than an hour with a therapist who knows me not.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Work

Job serenity or job security?

May 9, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

The courage to change the things I can

I will leave, she said.

I will resign. I will pack up my skills and gifts and find someone who acknowledges and values me. I would not put up with this kind of churlish denigration from family members be they parents or spouse. I have gone the extra mile. I understand contentment in service to others in authority, and I understand gaining freedom when you can. If I would not permit this kind of treatment at the hands of family whom I love, why should I permit it from someone to whom I have no connection other than they hold the stability of my job in their capricious hands? Is this the time I should choose to gain my freedom? What price freedom?

The wisdom to know the difference

“There is no question. I have the wisdom,” she said. “I have the skills and the experience to do something bigger and better.” So she betook herself to the job boards to seek a better life. At that very moment, there were no vacancies remotely suitable to her goals and needs. Too hard. Too soft. Too hot. Too cold. Too big. Too small.

“I will sleep on it,” she said. And she did. As she drifted off to sleep, she mused on the perfect job; something enjoyable and rewarding in every way; consisting of just the right amounts of people time, alone time and creative challenge.

“I think,” said she on waking. “I think the job I now have fits that description. Why should I initiate the grueling unemployment routine just because of one or two persons acting like a bear?”

Then she understood with clarity; often the one thing you cannot change is a person.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference (Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr ).

“Anyway,” she said, feeling a bit like Goldilocks, “why should I let one or two bears frighten me? My boss attempts to motivate with warnings, veiled threats and putdowns. But, I am self-motivated and care not for posturing. What is there to fear? Serene and independent, I will stay until it is time for me to go.”

And I, acting as Little Red Writing Hood, affirmed and adopted her perspective of acceptance, courage and wisdom. Because, after all, daily work is rarely a fairy tale.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Poverty, Relationships, Spiritual Well Being

Help Me, and other difficult phrases

April 29, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

“I hate to ask for help,” she said. Clichés are often true. In this case, apples don’t fall far from the tree. Go ahead, Google “Hardest words to say,” and see what you come up with.

I am sorry

I am wrong

I don’t know

I love you

Help me

That is a list I can identify with. How about you?

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

I fear rejection. They might say no. They may think less of me for needing help.

I fear to impose. They might want to say no, yet feel like they have to say yes. They have so many other burdens to carry. I don’t want to be just one more.

I am independent. I can do it myself. Besides, others often fail me. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

If I ask and they help me, they may hold it up to me forever saying, “You would be nothing had I not helped you.”

I want control of the outcome. They might help, but not help in the way I want.

I need affirmation – support for my plan. They might offer advice. Opinion. Tell me how to do it instead of just supporting my plan.

Have you experienced some or all these anxious feelings when you needed help?

What if you need help and you don’t ask for help? You may injure yourself. You may get burned out, exhausted or ill, trapped. What if you just wait for someone to see your need and offer? You kind of huff and puff and hint and sigh. They may reject you anyway. Seeing your need, they may offer or foist help on you whether you want it or not -give you pink preppie skirts when you needed hiking boots. One way or another, they will doubtless offer advice and opinion.

So why not ask specifically for what you need? Choose your confidant or potential benefactor carefully. If you need a car mechanic, a medical doctor is probably not a good substitute. A multi-level marketer may not be your best counselor, nor does your great grandma a sturdy piano mover make. Go ahead and choose with care. Ask. Then trust them a little bit. A wise helper might teach you how to fish. They might lend you their fishing gear. They might have greater insight into your roadblocks and challenges and give wise counsel – a needed boost rather than a ruthless kick in the pants.

But if they say, “Hey, I know you are desperate for money. Let’s talk about getting you a loan! (or buying lottery tickets – or robbing a bank – or some other get-rich quick scheme).” Nah! Withdraw your request and run the other way. Helping you spend or helping you into debt is not helping you.

You can ask for help and still remain yourself and guard your heart. We all need a little help of one kind or another from time to time. May you – and I – have the wisdom and discernment to know when to ask for help and the dignity to receive help without selling out our deepest dreams or indenturing our spirits to shame.

Character, Emotional Health, Family, Health and Long Life, Travel

Vacations are for light and laughter

April 21, 2015 Cherry Leave a comment

She meant it in love, but I almost laughed in her face. As I exited the door for my much longed for camping vacation, my housemate admonished, “You be sure and camp where there’s enough light, now.” She meant, be safe. She meant; we care about you. I intended to sleep in National Parks and State Park campgrounds. Is a million stars enough?

It is good to begin a vacation laughing. After all, absence of laugher is a critical deficit. I was burned out. Discouraged. I needed nature. I needed therapy. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.

In my wanderings, I hoped to find clarity, specific guidance or maybe even a new life. Is that too much to hope for? In place of clarity, I got peace. Rather than specific guidance, I got to travel and hike with my daughter. Sometimes the best therapist in the world is a wise daughter, sister or cousin. I didn’t get a new life, but I got to nose about in ghost towns and open spaces and contemplate old lives – including mine. That too, brings peace.

And there was laughter. The meal at Garbanzos was already well flavored with the humor of my two youngest before they were motivated to snap and post a selfie. Being national siblings day, it was a legitimate social plan, rather than rude self-absorption. As they fussed over their phones, I asked Philip if he wanted to add my leftovers to his takeout box.

He looked up and deadpanned, “We can’t talk to you right now, we’re on facebook.”

“Very well,” said I and whipped out my own cellphone.

A moment later, Philip looked up. “Mom! Did you just voice text me?”

Yes, Son. Yes, I did.

I may not have found clarity, specific guidance or a new life, but I loved talking with my grown children and seeing them relate. I think I may have found myself again, for my sense of humor is intact.

As I said on facebook: Vacation is for those times your heart has come up missing, and you need to go and find it.

Cherry Odelberg