Category Archives: Emotional Health

Character, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Metaphor, Uncategorized

Baseball talk and employee chatter

November 25, 2013 Cherry Leave a comment

He was tan and blond. 100 pounds of lithe, sinewy athletic 10-year-old. I was his girlfriend. His sister told me she saw my initials penned on his palm. He certainly knew the delicate balance between teasing and pursuit – and I loved him. But he didn’t know that. Tardy as I was to return his attentions, someone else ended up with the prize. I met him at old-time summer league baseball. I was the coach’s daughter.

Today, I am not writing to bemoan the one that got away. What I remember is his poise on the mound – and the encouragements his father hollered from the stands. He was a pitcher, quick and confident. I heard his dad describe him as high-strung. Once he cautioned against cockiness.

When our team was in the field, and batter up, his dad called, “Let’s hear some chatter out there.” Not only does chatter intimidate and confuse the batter, apparently it encourages the pitcher. Who would have thought it? When I am concentrating and focused, I like quiet. The last thing I want is all my co-workers setting up auditory chaos. Despite the chatter, the savvy ten-year-old could pitch that ball right across the plate more often than not. When he gave up a base or a run and was incensed with himself, his dad would call, “Walk it off, baby; walk it off.” When he was wound tight as a drum with adrenaline and riding a cloud of success, we heard the same admonition, “Walk it off, baby; walk it off.”

Pitcher would pace. Pitcher would scowl at the thieving runners leading off from base. Then, Pitcher would wind up and deliver a strike.

It works for me. It works when coworkers start that infernal chatter of intimidation. It works when family conversations become derailed. It works when I see opportunity coming down the pike and I know without a shadow of doubt I will be called on to rise to the occasion. Serenity and a calm, clear head are essential to success. I get those things when I take a hike in the great outdoors; one foot in front of the other.

Walk it off, baby, walk it off! And then, wind up and deliver!

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Family, Health and Long Life, Metaphor, Uncategorized

Life is like a pair of eyeglasses

November 17, 2013 Cherry 1 Comment

Many years ago – in a past life – I worked as a dispensing optician. Yes, I was certified to help people see clearly – to improve their vision. I’d like to think that is what I still do through my writing, my music and my work.

Life is like a pair of eyeglasses. Sometimes the thing you think will work is exactly the opposite of what is needed. “My glasses are sliding down my nose. Tighten them up,” is a common request heard by an optician. There are several adjustment options for loose frames; tighten screws, bend the earpieces, curve the front – or the front corners – to name a few. But in reality, if the glasses are sliding down the nose, the frames may be adjusted too tight. It is like squeezing a water balloon; the tighter you squeeze, the more the water escapes and bulges on either side of your grip.

Relationships are like that, also. You can hold on to people you love too tightly – or too loosely – with equal result. Either extreme and someone dear may slip out of your grasp, be jettisoned away like a Tiddlywink.

Recently, someone endeavored to remind me that relationships take self-sacrifice; giving up of some (or all) things you want to do personally in order to give more to the relationship or family. I agree. I am no stranger to self-sacrifice.

However; life is like a pair of eyeglasses. Sometimes the thing you think will work is exactly the opposite of what is needed .

You can never love too much-but you can hold too tight.

You can never love too much – but you can do too much.

You can never love too much – but you can smother another’s initiative when you steal their opportunity to give reciprocally by your insistence on giving all.

Character, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, The Rules, Uncategorized

To Say I’m Sorry

October 24, 2013 Cherry Leave a comment

It is no exaggeration to say I have been on both extremes of the pendulum when it comes to saying, I’m sorry. If the pendulum swings in an arc, I have been on the outer reaches of all 360 degrees of the circumference.

As a child, it was extreme emotional punishment to be made to say I’m sorry. It made me squirm. Sorry for what? For things I didn’t do; but somebody got their feelings hurt and demanded retribution. Resistance was futile.

“Do you want a spanking? Then say you’re sorry and be quick about it.”

What’s a child to do? You hang your head, all the time feeling only the injustice of it. You mutter out, “I’m sorry.”

But was I really sorry? No. I needed to escape that squirmy feeling. I was sorry I had to yield to someone else’s petty demands.

Sometimes the dialogue goes this way:

Me: “I’m sorry.”

The Offended: “Are you really sorry? Cause if you are truly sorry, you won’t ever do it again.”

Won’t do what again? Hurt your feelings or offend unwittingly?

As I grew into the relationships of young adulthood, I learned to use I’m sorry as a tool, to say it quickly and often; to assume ownership of infractions that were not mine.

But it came with a price; loss of myself. Not only did the words I’m sorry accept the blame for whatever disagreement was immediately at hand; I’m sorry continued to mean I will never do it again. I will never cross you again. I will never disagree with you. I will try my utmost to second-guess what you want so that I never displease you. To say I’m sorry inevitably meant; I was wrong.

Even now, in an attempt to people-please, I catch myself indulging in the false humility I’m sorry. This is the one that comes across as obsequious, submissive, I wouldn’t want to get in your way, but I just did. A better word-choice would be, excuse me or pardon me.

Other “I’m Sorrys,” crossed my path. There were times a person close to me needed to be called to account or challenged. At those times, I heard the words, “I’m sorry, ok?” spoken in a tone that indicated, “now get off my back.” That tone, I think, does not really mean I’m sorry.

Nor does this:

Spouse: I said I’m sorry. You know how hard it is for me to say I’m sorry.

Response: So? The difficulty excuses you and makes the apology count for more?

Once, I heard a man say to his wife, “I said I was sorry. That means you can’t bring it up ever again.” Say what? You can put a moratorium on ever talking about it again by arbitrarily saying, “I’m sorry?”

To this man, “I’m Sorry” is a legal injunction which says, “you can’t expect anything more out of me on this subject. You can’t bring it up ever again.”

I wonder; did he mean his apology? Did he ever make amends?

Speaking of spouses and relationships, I can hear the music now:

“Love means you never have to say you’re sorry

Love means without a word you understand.”

It sounded comforting from the Sounds of Sunshine, and gorgeously idealistic as it dropped insipidly from the lips of The Lettermen in the seventies. I wanted to love and be loved in that idealistic, magnanimous way. Perhaps John Lennon was the realist here, “Love means saying you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.”

There comes a time when making amends is key. When a person is truly sorry for something they have done; when they are willing to take ownership and make amends; when they voluntarily promise – to the best of their ability – not to hurt again. Especially when a person takes action to make up for the hurt – those times are life-changing, relationship changing and therefore world-changing.

After five plus decades, I am still hesitant to say I am sorry. Why? Because the words are so easily misconstrued.

Me: I’m sorry.

(S)he: That’s more like it. Now we’ll get down to business and do it my way.

Me: I’m sorry.

(S)he: Well, what are you going to do about it?

Me: I’m sorry.

(S)he: You’re just saying that because you didn’t like the results.

Sometimes, there is nothing I can do to fix it, because I didn’t do anything in the first place.

Other times, I am not sorry for what I did; but I am sorry for the hurt to others. And you know what? I think you can be sorry without admitting guilt. Truth is, we all have places in our lives where we need or want to say I’m sorry. It has happened before and it will happen again. At the moment, I am deeply sorry for the pain and relational carnage to bystanders caused by some of my actions. I am not sorry for the actions I took. I am sorry that others were hurt by the actions I took to protect myself.

These days, when I say I am sorry, it does not mean things can go back to the way they were. It does not mean I’ll never do it again. It does not mean I was wrong and we will do it your way.

It means I will never put myself in a position for that to happen again.

Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

Hiking the minor bucket list

September 24, 2013 Cherry 2 Comments

It was a milestone that passed without fanfare; a sort of minor bucket-list item I had been working on since May of 2012. I began work at the Colorado National Monument Visitor Center in mid-May last year. At the interview, they asked me if I was familiar with the many trails in the Monument. I assured them I had hiked Serpent’s Trail and Devil’s Kitchen. Looking back, I am surprised they didn’t laugh at me outright. There are at least 22 trailheads.

Walking is a favorite activity. I love mountains, Nature’s beauty, the out-of-doors. My first year on Facebook (2008), the end-of-year stats wrap up indicated “walk” was my most used word. Not bad for a musician. Not bad for a writer. Walking is my meditation and inspiration time, an hour or so devoted to ironing out the kinks in my thinking or feeling. Somewhere around the time I moved from beach to high desert, my walks turned into hikes. It helped that my house was located on rigorous mountain bike trails. Then came the cashier job in the heart of National Park Service public lands.

As I drove to my job on Saturdays and Sundays last year, I became fascinated with the various historic trails and scenic sites I passed. Curious, I took detours on the way home and began to seek out new hikes on my days off.

Two weeks ago as one of our recent Colorado monsoons ebbed, I sat out to explore Upper Liberty Cap Trail – my last frontier. Seated back in my car 3 1/2 hours later I realized I can now say I have hiked every marked trailhead in Colorado National Monument. That is a milestone! Without further ado, here is picture proof.

Upper Liberty Cap Trail after the rain

Monument Canyon from Canyon Rim Trail

Independence Monument from Upper Monument Canyon Trail

The view from Otto’s Trail

Ute Canyon Trail

No Thoroughfare Canyon – above the first pool and heading toward the waterfall in May

Monument Canyon from The Island

A peek inside Devil’s Kitchen

Black Ridge in the winter

Liberty Cap from lower Liberty Cap Trailhead

Emotional Health, Home and Hearth, Metaphor, Uncategorized

The laughter of Autumn

September 16, 2013 Cherry Leave a comment

I love the fall. Autumn is my favorite season. Besides the break from summer heat; perhaps because of the break from summer heat, it is my most creative time of year. In the fall, I begin to laugh again. In the last 48 hours, two huge guffaws have escaped me.

Listening to Colorado Public Radio while the female announcer was setting up a Bach Brandenburg Concerto. She mentioned the recent news that Voyager II is confirmed as having flown to infinity and beyond. You may be too young to know it, but Voyager II carries artifacts from our culture, expressing who we are as humans to unknown recipients of other stars and planets. Bach’s music is on that space ship. She then commented, “I wonder if the recording was vinyl or 8-track?”
This morning as I carried out a quick perusal of Facebook, I came upon this little piece of wit:

Addiction, Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, The Rules, Uncategorized

The case of the tragic M&Ms

September 11, 2013 Cherry Leave a comment

A handful of M&Ms sat side by side in a cut glass bowl. They are tempting, and offered to me repeatedly – even urged on me. I decline. But, everybody loves chocolate, you will say. And you are right. Even I love chocolate, but I am allergic. Ah, you murmur, “that is tragic.” Not so. A simple, specific food allergy is something you can remedy immediately. A tragedy leaves you helpless, wounded, hopeless.

The M&Ms treasured in my antique heirloom bowl stand for misunderstanding and misinformation; miscommunication and misguided. I once knew an older woman who would attempt to mend broken relationships with the platitude, “It doesn’t matter. That was just a misunderstanding.” To which I say, “It does matter!” It was far more than misunderstanding. No amount of re-phrasing will clear up misguided misinformation!”

A few weeks ago, Novel Matters linked up a video presentation on cultural misunderstandings of poverty vs middle class vs affluence. You might think of it as the tragic case of M&Ms and Money. It was hugely informative to understanding the differences in background we bring to relationships. Listening to Dr Ruby Payne speak cast an illuminating spotlight back over the decades of my upbringing and subsequent relationships. I found myself thinking, “if I had only known.”

Money, as researchers have told us over and over, is one of the major conflict triggers in relationships. We could probably recite the list together: Money, Children, In-laws, Sex, Expectations, Religion…. For this post the other one that makes the list of tragic M&Ms is Marital intimacy.

Rarely do I agree 100% with a speaker, book or movie. I wonder how many relationships could be salvaged, healed or immunized if the video that follows went viral? True to the 2,000 year legacy of the name, Mars Hill, the video that follows clears up misinformed, misguided, misunderstood, miscommunicated belief.

If you are a woman who has been shamed for desire, suffered the contempt of those who were misinformed, or deprived by pornography; let the healing begin.

Let Him Kiss Me

Character, Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Yesterday, I saw my grandmother in the mirror

August 28, 2013 Cherry 2 Comments

The days have come and gone when I looked in the mirror and said “Hello, Mother!” We’ve all heard the jokes. We women past a certain age have experienced that momentary start – seeing ourselves at the same age we vividly remember the face of our mother. The first time I saw my mother’s face in the mirror, I put on a bit more makeup and got a new hairstyle.

Yesterday, when I looked in the mirror, I saw my grandmother. This is no insult. Grandma died at the young age of 65; having had no time to go gray. Her wits and energy were still about her. The age at which I remember most vividly her daily influence on my life, is about my current age.

So, yesterday, with hair pulled back from my face and wound into a bun in preparation for a facial, I looked in the mirror, straight into my grandmother’s eyes. Yes, they were tired. But they were tired from bold adventure. They were Magna Carta eyes. Eyes that came over on the Mayflower, with a faint trace of lips that said, “Speak for yourself, John.”

The face I was looking at was that of a woman who knows how to make school clothes and curtains from whatever is at hand, can fruits and vegetables in preparation for winter, knead and bake bread, teach school, ride a horse, plant and plow. She has bathed in the kitchen in water heated on a woodstove, made a home from houses old and new and loves to travel. She taught her sons how to throw and catch a softball and football, started her own business, wrote and published a book, and loves to roll with and support the creative endeavors of her children.

Oh wait. I don’t think that last sentence applies to my grandmother.

Why then, do the young men smirk when I take my own car in for an oil change? Why condescend when I ask – and pay – for help with a new car key?

Character, Emotional Health, Music and Theatre, Spiritual Well Being

The end to a perfect evening

August 21, 2013 Cherry 3 Comments

It was this solo girl’s idea of a perfect night out. Okay, so maybe I am a bit too far advanced past a certain age to be called a girl, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was a great evening. An Evening Under the Stars; out of doors, professional music, free admission. I was off work by four-thirty, with time for online research while dining on a greens salad topped with chicken tenders. There were even a few parking places left way out by the tennis courts when I arrived.

The Centennial Band was concluding the first piece while I found a comfortable space between families, couples and other solo folks. We settled in to be delighted by the usual Americana and Sousa fare offered at an outdoor concert in the park. When Centennial Band polished off the marches with a decided flourish, a local blue grass band filled the gap while the stage shuffled to make room for strings and added a few principals to form the Grand Junction Symphony Orchestra.

Attired in a casual T-shirt and jeans, Maestro Gustafson conducted the orchestra through a gentle and pleasing repertoire. At the stroke of twilight, the concert was over – not too long and not too short. On second thought; perhaps an encore might have put the plural in the words, An Evening Under the Star(s). After a leisurely walk back to the car on a warm and mild August night, I began the drive home.

How is it that a concert never seems complete without ice cream after? On impulse, I took the drive-through at Burger King, the last possible chance for fast food. Surely, I could splurge one dollar to make the evening complete. “That will be 54 cents at the second window,” chirped the voice. Then began the challenge to consume soft serve faster than it melts while also negotiating 5 on the floor shifting.

I am constantly amazed at the clarity and brilliance of the stars as seen from my own driveway. I decided to finish my ice cream cone outside in the moon glow and starlight.

Meanwhile, I must remind you that I am a very conscientious, dependable, resourceful and prepared person. Yes, I carry a measuring tape in my purse, a drum key, two guitar picks and a P38 can opener in my wallet. I have kept a sleeping bag in my car ever since two stranded motorists froze to death in Denver in 1998. I like to travel off the beaten path – my tent also remains as cargo. You know; shelter in case of delay or breakdown. Depending on the season, either my hiking boots or walking shoes are stored in the car. I am acquainted with snow drifts and road hazards. Because I have had experience living at high elevation and commuting, my car stays well equipped with essentials. Why, just the other day someone commented, “you must have been a Girl Scout.” I take that as a compliment.

The rest of the story I balanced the sticky remainder of the ice cream cone in my left hand. Already the cream had soaked through the bottom of the cone. I unlatched the driver’s side door and shoved it with my elbow. With my right hand I removed the key from the ignition to stop the infernal beeping. Carefully thinking ahead, I reached my right hand under the steering wheel to pop the locks switch so I could grab my purse and jacket from the passenger side later. Drinking in the beauty of the moonlight and stars, I leaned against the side of the car and finished my ice cream. I wiped my sticky hands and sauntered to the opposite side of the car, lingering and star gazing. Sigh. “I’d better go on in.” I pulled the handle on the passenger side. It was locked. But, I specifically remembered UNlocking everything. I hurried to the driver’s side. Locked. The tailgate. Locked. Back door to the house. Locked. Front door of the house locked.

Picture this. At 9:30 p.m. I am standing in my yard in my dress shorts, tank top and casual shoes. I am locked out of my house because my house keys are locked in my car. No problem, I reassure myself. I can sleep outside. I have all survival essentials, blanket, two jackets, shelter…LOCKED in my car. I weigh my options. 9:30 is not an economical time to call a locksmith. Forget that. My phone is in the car.

I could break into my car. I could break into my house. I could walk two miles to my son’s house. But, I am supposed to be at work at 8:30 in the morning and my work clothes are in the house. Come to think of it, my walking shoes and my hiking boots are – wait for it – locked in the car.

A quick inventory of outside tools reveals a vintage metal garbage can, a Christmas tree stand and a storage tub full of abandoned boffers and miscellaneous camp-cooking gear. I was inside the house and dusting myself off within 10 minutes.

No longer do I fear the thieves, vagrants and pranksters. It is I who am a formidable danger – to myself.

Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Spiritual Well Being, The Rules, Uncategorized

Benefits of hiking solo

August 15, 2013 Cherry Leave a comment

While I agree somewhat with the assessment that wanting to take vacations alone is a sign of unhealthy isolation; there are times solitude is desirable. Today, I am thinking of three reasons I love to hike alone:

freedom to pursue my own pace
opportunity for introspection (the examined life is well worth living).
freedom from embarrassment

Recently, one of my co-workers reminded me, “If you wait to hike until you have a hiking buddy, there are lots of places you will never see.” She is right. I get the most out of seeing what I want, when I want – often on the spur of the moment. And, I enjoy traveling at my own pace.

It is amazing the places you can go, the things you can accomplish at your own pace.

Independence Monument from upper Monument Trail

Last week, I descended 33 switchbacks and a few miles into Monument Canyon. It was steep, slippery, and bruised my toes; but I learned a secret. If you stop and take off your boot, wiggle your toes and readjust your sock, your foot will get a refreshing second wind. I also learned why I love to hike alone. No one rushed me. No one twice my size tried to tow me through the canyon like a two-year-old drug through a shopping mall. No one tried to motivate me to move faster with false concern, “Are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you should have a doctor check out why you don’t have more energy.”

Today, I chose to hike upper No Thoroughfare Canyon. I contemplated John Denver’s lyric, “you know he’d be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly.” I decided I would be poorer if I never saw a turkey vulture fly, or heard a red tailed hawk, or had a humming bird buzz my neon backpack. At the canyon bottom, I stood in the cool of the shade, the sun arrested for the moment east of the rock wall, and breathed the early morning mountain scent of piñon pine and it was healthy, oh so healthy, to be alone.

Further along the unmaintained trail came a true scramble. A 30 to 40 foot putty colored dirt slide, devoid of footholds, made a near perpendicular plane into a wash overgrown with dense vegetation. It was going to be a three points of contact slip and slide, maybe four points – make that a five point contact crab crawl. And the best part? No one gave me advice. No one chaffed at how long it took me to choose the best route – or to seriously consider if I could manage the return incline once I got down. No one was there to witness my gamble, or my ungainly ascent, grasping and pawing back up the slide.

Oh, the places you can go, when you choose your own pace!

Cherry Odelberg

Category Archives: Emotional Health

Baseball talk and employee chatter

Life is like a pair of eyeglasses

To Say I’m Sorry

Hiking the minor bucket list

The laughter of Autumn

The case of the tragic M&Ms

Yesterday, I saw my grandmother in the mirror

The end to a perfect evening

Benefits of hiking solo

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other, Hiking for Life!