In my spare time; well its not spare time really, just the time left over after my 40 hour job teaching music. Then again, its not exactly time left over, its time I MAKE. Do you MAKE time? Do you have any secret ingredients for making time that I should know about? Anyway in my “spare time” – meaning the common usage of that word, even though I have established that really, nobody has spare time—I SING! Tuesday is probably the most over-loaded day of my week, for on Tuesday I rise and go to work, teaching about 175 students, then home to check on the household, next to an hour long voice lesson, pick Philip up from work and give him a ride home and proceed to a 2 ½ hour Sweet Adelines rehearsal. But you know what? If I am singing and breathing right, it is a most exhilarating day! I do believe singing for 12 hours might be cheaper than a visit to an oxygen bar and it certainly does release the endorphins and dopamine. In my spare time I make time to SING! What do you do with your spare time – or the time that you make?
Category Archives: Emotional Health
Carried Shame and the Author
During the course of the writing of my just completed novel I read a number of books about codependence and addiction; not only the usual alcoholism or chemical dependency treatises; but also writings about clean addictions such as caretaking, affirmation addiction, or the currently popular: workaholism
One reoccurring concept, pinpointed as a factor in addiction, which I at first had a hard time wrapping my mind around, was the idea of carried shame. The concept reoccurs often enough that it is safe to say it is a contributing factor in the development of codependence or addiction in an individual. That is; carried shame causes addiction. Carried shame causes the workaholism of the caretaking codependent.
As near as I understand it, carried shame is when one person does or says something abusive or shameful to another. The victim, or the recipient, sees that the perpetrator should be ashamed and is ashamed or embarrassed for them. Or perhaps the recipient is ashamed for being the one that triggered the shameful thing, revealing the flaw in the perpetrator. The victim / recipient is painfully embarrassed or ashamed for the person perpetrating the incident and carries that shame forward in life; trying to assuage the pain (cope) through a variety of ways; perhaps self-medicating with alcohol, or perhaps merely striving to be perfect.
The carrying forward of Carried Shame is most clearly seen in individuals who have suffered violent physical / sexual abuse and self medicate via chemical abuse; but carried shame can also turn up in the most unusual places.
WWJD? Is a fine thing to ask oneself. Yet, too often I have heard it used by bullies in position of authority. It goes something like this: What would Jesus do? Well I’ll tell you exactly what He would have you do. Listen up. I’ve got it all figured out. Just do exactly what I tell you to do; exactly the way I tell you to do it and you will be doing exactly what Jesus wants you to do. Slip up, do any less than precisely what I tell you and….you know where you are going.
This, this abuses the follower or the sinner shamelessly in order to manipulate them, to control them, to meet the standard of the bully, the church, the family or the organization. And this, I believe, causes pain and fear and carried shame.
Anger
When does anger go away? When one’s needs are met.
Trouble is; one often spends one’s life expecting someone else to meet one’s need. In actual fact; I am the only one who can meet my needs. So it follows that my anger goes away when I learn to meet my own needs; take responsibility for my own happiness; take care of myself well rather than second guessing the needs of others and then waiting for someone else to notice and meet my needs, reinforce or reassure. I speak of adults, of course. Children have age appropriate needs. I am no longer a child. I am an adult. How about you?
No Plan B; or the burden of poverty
Sorry to disappoint if you thought this post was a harangue about “the morning after” birth control plan. I am not going to mention that except to say: plan “B” birth control got its name from the original “Plan B”; the thing one does when plan “A” does not work out, or is less successful than anticipated.
In life, Plan “B” (and sometimes even plan “C” and “D” and on through to “Z”) are integral tools in the arsenal of the “can do” person. The “up and take another,” the “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” or “let’s make some lemonade “philosophy.
Having a plan “B” and a plan “C” is part of thinking things through ahead of time; a part of comprehending that life’s situations are made up of relationships and people; and that because we can’t control people; there are a number of routes a situation can take. It is good to be prepared.
The existence of a plan “B” or plan “C” enables one to take healthy risks in business or other ventures. Plan “B” as a safety net enables confident learning. One is free to fly high and wild and soar to unexpected heights when one has a trustworthy safety net. One is free, as a child or neophyte, to learn a better plan B via mistakes and failures; without committing suicide or winding up in hell because the first experiment failed.
Acapulco, Mazatlàn, Puerto Vallarta; who cares. Somewhere back in time, I knew a couple who traveled to one of these picturesque destinations to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary. Upon arrival, they found the weather dismal with a constant drizzle. No problem, they immediately commenced plan “B” and hopped a few hundred miles to an alternate beach and cheerful sun. They were able to switch course “on a dime” because they had a few dimes to spare and with ease could alter travel and lodging arrangements.
Decades ago, I was a Tupperware Lady. One day as I was packing up my wares after a late morning coffee showing, I witnessed the essence of housewifely plan “B” in action. The man of the house was expected home for lunch. The woman was preparing grilled cheese sandwiches. With all the distractions, the sandwiches burned just before he walked in the door. Pulling out a can of tuna and a fresh loaf of bread, the woman never missed a beat; lunch was on the table with only 4 minutes delay.
The huge burden of poverty as I know it; the unrelenting stress; is that there is absolutely no room for error. Cheese and 8 slices of bread is all the pantry holds. Plan “A” must work or the world comes to an end; and the celebration is spoiled. A little bit of breathing room, a savings account, a modicum of emotional wealth; however, and one can self-alter the aim as the target moves. Who cares if it is plan A or Q or Z, as long as we are going with the flow; adjusting the destination as necessary.
Four d’plume
And now there are four. Four creative intellectuals, serious about their craft. Real writers taking the ups and downs–and rejections! After all, rejections are tangible proof that we are, indeed, writers!
NOT on the BUCKET List
Forget the negative things for a moment and consider with me: A lot of great things happen in life that are NOT on one’s Bucket List. When you made that goal list (for instance, in high school) did you ever dream all the GOOD experiences you would have between that time and this? Sure you were told, “You can be anything you want to be!” But, did you really know all the things you would be between then and now? Did you even know the possibilities existed for some of the fabulous things you have experienced? A valid, thoughtful list of “ten things I want to do before I die,” or “list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket,” is made only after one tastes a bit of life, makes a few detours, and refocuses priorities. Take this picture of my dad with ALL my children and ALL my grandchildren. They are one of life’s greatest joys; yet, as a very young adult, I would never have dreamed of putting them on the list beyond a casual, “get married and have kids.”
Prince Caspian and Things Don’t Happen The Same Way Twice
“Things don’t happen the same way twice,” so said Aslan to Lucy in the movie Prince Caspian. “The wardrobe? Oh, you’ll not get back in again that way,” said the professor to the four children in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. And while we are talking of repetition; DID Moses put a spigot on the rock that gushed out water so the masses could always return to that same rock to draw water? No, they did not return. They kept moving forward. Did Jesus always heal blind men by spitting in the dust and putting mud on the eyes?
Things don’t happen the same way twice. While it is good to have trusted, tried and true resources or counselors; one can hardly keep going back to the same friend or the same resource indefinitely; you would milk them dry. The Higher Power, the Creator, is the only limitless resource and (S)He is not limited in creativity. So it is that as I struggle on through life and relationships; I do not limit myself to one friend, one counselor, one confidant, one book, one doctor. I get a second opinion. I turn over lots of rocks, rather than returning to the same handout all the time. I wait in anticipation to see from whence the next word of wisdom or critical sustenance will come. “There is safety in a multitude of counselors.”
Do I accept counsel without question? No. Discernment is also a gift of the creator. If I pray to my Higher Power for knowledge of his will for me and for the power to carry it out; the result is wisdom and discernment and resources and guidance.
Raising Great Kids; or, Did I Say That?
We had to arrange some creative transportation last Tuesday night; what with 3 adults (two young and one old) and one car. I wanted to go to Sweet Adelines and Philip; as video editor, had a summer meeting for the school newspaper. We ladies dropped him off at the college library and then proceeded across town where Andrea dropped me off at rehearsal. The plan was that she would be on call to pick up Philip and, in any case, would pick me up at 9:15 P.M.
My rehearsal ended about 9:00. Not wanting to wait outside in the dark, I hung back for society, cookies and ice cream; a time of bidding a moving member good-bye. Sweet Adelines make music and friendship par excellence, so a number of women engaged me in conversation. One member passed by and said, “I gave your children some cookies. I hope you don’t mind. They were sitting so quietly, waiting.” “My children? Are you sure?” I had not seen them come in, and frankly, at 17 ½ and nearly 20, I am no longer used to being asked if it is OK to give them a cookie🙂 I found two teenagers sitting in a dark foyer engaged in quiet sibling conversation. “Have you been waiting long?” I asked. “Oh, about 10 minutes,” said Andrea, “But we thought it was important to give you time to socialize, after all, that’s what you always say to us, ‘You can have a few more minutes to socialize.’” “I say that?” I asked, incredulously. Andrea nodded, “All the time.” I guess it seemed like such a natural thing to do, that I didn’t remember saying it. I do it because friendships are important and my kids are important. And, you know what? Now I feel important too!
Affirmation Addiction
I am a life-long affirmation addict. I am so addicted that I sacrifice who I am just to be who “they” want me to be in order to receive affirmation and applause. I behave well in an attempt to control the emotional responses of the other. If I am good at what I do; no one will ever be angry with me. If I am really, really, good; they might even applaud me or better yet; absolutely love me!
Manipulation
As much as I love praise and affirmation, I hate it when someone controls or manipulates me with it; when someone withholds attention or shames me for being who I am and then praises or thanks me excessively when I am finally who they want me to be; when I finally do life the way they want me to do it.
I care too much about what other people think. I want them to think I am nice; intelligent, fair and just, good looking, cool. If I cannot make them think those things about me; if they hate me; then life is not worth living. Its just like driving. I hate driving because I cannot control the other drivers. I try to drive perfectly. Surely if I am perfect in my driving no one will blare their horn at me, holler, flip me off, or tailgate; right?
There is a difference between working one’s tail off doing what one loves to do, doing the best job possible; and sucking up, knocking oneself out doing something one does or doesn’t like to do–just to receive the praise, affirmation, or reward from someone else.
Step 6 of the twelve steps says, “We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Melody Beattie adds, “We decide we are ready to take a risk, and let go of these outdated behaviors and attitudes (Codependent No More, Beattie, 1987).”
This affirmation addiction; this being who other people want me to be. These are outmoded ideas and behaviors.
“If we weren’t trying to control whether a person liked us, or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently?… What haven’t we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? (Beattie,1990, The Language of Letting Go, p. 115).”
Sunshine On My Shoulder
Sometimes a day is so excruciatingly beautiful that I can hardly stand it. So lovely and melancholy at the same time that it brings pain or tears. This can happen without warning; in the best of times or the worst of times; whether or not I am stressed, pressed, or have nothing to do. It makes no difference whether I am in a relationship, ending a relationship, tense with teenagers, coworkers or utterly alone, “Sunshine, almost always makes me high,” as John Denver sang; and yes, it can make me cry also.