Category Archives: Emotional Health

MERCY!

Ouray Colorado: A couple years ago I was so profoundly moved in my spirit by the beauty and the healing that I typed a post, “Take me to Church.” Yes. Ouray is both my church and my hospital. I am revived here. I receive healing from the same waters Chief Ouray found healthful. Out of the earth come comforting, purifying hot springs and gratitude wells up. The nature of gratitude is to heal our spirits.

It was a perfect morning. I woke at five and stayed in bed until six. No schedule to meet. In my spa robe I procured a cup of tea from the dark lobby. I read. I wrote. I texted a happy birthday greeting to my youngest. I pulled on my bathing suit and headed outside. It is so cold the clock battery has ceased. Snow is piled 6 inches high on the pool furniture. The pool perimeter has accumulated another half inch since yesterday’s shoveling. There is ice on the pool stair rail and frost on the entry handle to the hotel lobby. Please know that it was -2 when I crossed Dallas Divide last night. So cold that when nature called I dared not stop and answer but pushed onward to the gas station in Ridgway. This morning I kick off my flip flops, grasp the handrail and am reminded of that crazy kid who was dared to lick a frozen pump handle. I stick. I freeze. I get myself into the water as quickly as possible. I lean on the edge of the pool and my hair takes on frost. I bask and survey the mountain surroundings. I am alone in all this beauty and the only word that comes to mind is “Mercy!”

Not “have mercy,” just “Mercy!” – a Roy Orbison kind of mercy. I am overwhelmed. I swim. I float. I swim again. My hair is now too thoroughly wet to keep my head long out of the pool. I exit onto the frosted flagstone. My towel has frozen stiff. I proceed to the vapor cave. The healing power of gratitude is granted. This used to be a hospital. It is still mine. Mercy!

It is now 10:00 am. The sun is up! The thermometer has risen to 8 degrees. Grandma used to say, “Make hay while the sun shines.” I must make hike while the sun shines.

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October

To begin with, She didn’t turn the heat on until October 30. October was a very beautiful month.

Beautiful in that she got out a record number of times – every weekend – to hike or kayak or hug the trees – the beautiful, blazing- fall-festooned trees. She travelled a little bit for work and saw other communities adorned with yellows, golds, orange hues, and sometimes even reds.

She ate right. She planned lunches and cleaned up left-overs.

She made every effort to sleep right.

She got away from work and outside a record number of times.

She even got outside with her work a few times.

She was not often alone in her outdoor exercise.

There were friends.

Quality friends who came to visit; kindred spirits to host.

Yes. It was a very good October. Not often did she wake with that sinking feeling – that feeling of dread.

Never did she have to say, “It is too hot to hike.”

Often did she say, “It is so beautiful, my spirit is refreshed.”

Frequently she said yes to kayaks and hiking sticks and shorts and sandals. This is a good thing, a very good thing, for winter is coming and soon it will be too cold to slosh through calve- deep creeks on a trek to somewhere beautiful. She didn’t do any canning this year, but she did prepare for winter. She stored up the good times.

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A thirst for writing

You know that feeling when you think you are hungry and you eat something – and then something more – only to find you were really thirsty and a glass of water would have sufficed ?

She rose with the sun in a remote motel, brewed a cup of tea, started some oatmeal in the microwave. It was still a few hours before work. She tried to check her email by laptop. Not enough bandwidth. She tried to open it by phone. Fluctuating bars. She ate a few bites of oatmeal and tried Instagram by phone. The image remained frozen. She sipped her tea, polished off the oatmeal, experimented with a hotspot for laptop. Tried Facebook via hotspot. Wondered what the rest of the world was up to. Tried every alternative. Email by phone. Instagram by hotspot. Facebook by phone. Nothing.

So she gave up on finding out what the rest of the world was doing, filled her water reservoir, strapped on her sandals and headed out to explore the landscape.

But what she really craved was her leather journal and pen.

I’d Rather Cry at Beauty, Than to Cry at Ugly

That’s the trouble with getting outside, it’s as bad a reading a good book. It’s dangerous. It fills you with longing. But at some point, getting outside or reading a good book also fills the longing.

I’d rather go hiking than pay for 50 minutes of therapy.

Either way, the first 45 minutes consist of working through stress and with hiking you usually get a bonus hour or two of enjoyment after that.

Sometimes, when I go hiking, I am so overcome by the beauty of my surroundings that it makes me weep. Sometimes, when I go hiking, my thoughts are so deep they make me weep. Sometimes, when I make music – or hear music – it makes me weep with the sheer beauty of it all.

But I’d rather cry at beauty, than to cry at ugly.

A couple weeks ago I staffed an outdoor event for a weekend in Escalante. On the way home, I stopped at a public piano in Tropic, pulled out the chair and proceeded to play my heart out for about 10 minutes. A woman of my generation – a gracefully aging flower child – sat on the park bench close by and applauded encouragingly.

When I had done and went inside the market to purchase a snack, the woman found me and engaged in conversation. She was touched by the beauty of music and confessed to videoing my mini concert – seemed to ask permission. We talked about beauty – the unexpected beauty of music in surprising places – the beauty of the world and her habit of picking up ten pieces of trash each day – the beauty of the souls who had allowed her to sleep in her car in their parking lot overnight.

We exited the door together and as I cut diagonally toward my waiting auto I heard her squeal of delight at discovering a large praying mantis. It was indeed a magical day. But what happened next was ugly. A large overall-clad man (Overalls on a Sunday morning – so don’t blame the Mormons for what I am about to relate) descended from his big truck and called, “What is it?”

“A praying mantis,” she replied in wonder.

“Well, step on it!” he snapped, “they don’t do anybody any good.”

I know this is not true. I have also learned that I am not called to set the whole world straight; to backtrack 30 feet across parking lots to be a know-it-all because of something I overheard. All the same, I felt guilty about abandoning that lovely hippie to the ugliness of yet another stranger.

Subdued, I continued miles on down the road, contemplating. I hung a left into Bryce Canyon City and on into a park where natural beauty and wildlife are respected and protected. I took a hike – a long hike – and my spirit was restored.

I would so much rather cry at beauty than at ugly.

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The Best Coffee Shop / Bookstore in Page, Arizona

I have often joked to my boss, in all seriousness, that I get more work done on the road than when I am in the office. When I travel – for work or for pleasure – I like to rise on my own schedule (5:00 am, if you must know), open my Mac Pro and knock out a few lines of work or of story while still in my pajamas, then ruminate edits while I shower and dress. After a morning hike and morning chores, my favorite haunt is a bookstore or coffee shop with wifi. There I can sit for hours and create a manuscript or spell-check or research an idea if I am on my own time, or complete merchandise orders if I am on the clock.

My studio apartment is much like a motel room; windows only on one side. If I spend an entire day off at home, I am likely to grow morose and lonely and useless as the day progresses. It is too hot to hike, too dark to be cheerful. In addition; my internet is irritating – sometimes non-existent.

Heretofore, I had not found an obliging and comfortable internet café in Page, AZ, nevertheless, I rose this Saturday morning determined to carry the vacation habits learned earlier this week right on into my weekend.

I rose.

I walked.

I wrote.

I showered.

I dressed.

I ruminated.

And then I recollected;

Hallelujah! There is a bookstore / coffee shop in Page, Arizona!

It is my very own bookstore! It has a fabulous, hand-finished, hardwood coffee bar and great music and amazing ambience, and coffee with a story, and hot water for tea, and a window for people watching, and international visitors coming in and out the door, and knowledgeable sales staff.

So. It is Saturday morning and I have come home from vacation – home to a place that is better than I first found it more than two years ago -and I have been a part of making it that way.

This happy camper has been writing and drinking tea for two hours. At the office, but out of the office, on Saturday!

P.S. Those are not my pajamas – they are my vacation clothes.

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A long and winding road that leads – to beauty.

It was a long and winding road that lead to – who knows where? She had never been there before. But she had just passed through the Kaibab – 41 miles of rolling, forested hills – mountains kneeling, mountains lying down and covered with ponderosa, aspen and mountain meadows. She saw the sign that directed to Point Imperial and Cape Royale. She didn’t need a picture to paint 1,000 words. Those four words were irresistible and she turned left. According to the pocket map provided her by the Park Service Ranger, one has to get a permit to have a wedding at Cape Royale. A wedding? Then it must be beautiful.

Beauty restores. Beauty heals. Beauty comes in many different forms. She needed restoration, healing, beauty, self-care. That morning, she stopped to see friends and acquaintances; a kind word here, an act of service there. But she was empty and it soon became apparent she needed to refill her own tank if she was to serve others. So she sniffed out some nutritional fuel.

The meal was excellent. She tucked a portion away – to go – and planned to polish it off in a beautiful place as dinner. Thirty-seven miles later she stopped at Jacob Lake and then proceeded through Kaibab National Forest and the Grand Canyon North Rim entrance gate. It was then she saw the sign: Cape Royale Road. The road forks after five miles. To the left another three miles is Point Imperial. She tried that first as an appetizer. 8, 800 feet – the highest overlook on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. Her optimum altitude. Ponderosa pines. Beauty in every direction. Painted Desert to the east. Far below, views of Marble Canyon, and the eastern portion of the Grand Canyon. Returning to the fork, she headed up the right hand branch. Fifteen miles – a long and winding road – not suitable for trailers or long vehicles – plenty of time for a bride to consider her destination. She drove as far as a car can go and parked. On her own two feet she entered the avenue, a paved trail lined with piñon pine and tall, thriving, cliff rose. Until that day, she had never wanted to be a June Bride. June seems so conforming and usual somehow. But oh, if one is going to be a bride at Cape Royale, June is the month to be that bride. Every cliff rose was in bloom. As she walked, she noticed a wall of rock jutting into the canyon on the left. In that wall, nature had chiseled a window, Angel’s Window.

And through that window, in the distance, she could see the Colorado River. Her River. It was a breath-taking discovery.

It was not a difficult hike, nor a difficult drive, but it was a long, long and winding road; and it led to beauty. Her soul was satisfied for another hour, another day, another week. She would survive.

Presentation is part of the nourishment
Presentation is part of the nourishment

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To the Lake or To the River?

Lone woman paddles around Lone Rock, finds biceps.
Yep. There they are. Not only can I see them, I can feel them. Just call me River Mouse…

As I stuffed items in my daypack, I tried to review everything Janice had taught me. Chubs for the sunglasses. Sandals for the feet. Tie ons for the hat. Tethers for just about everything essential. A little dry sack for the phone. The phone? Last time I left my phone at home. Back then my phone was a phone and I had a little camera. Back then was three years ago; wait! Has it been three years or seven years? Back then I made makeshift ties to keep my flip-flops on my feet. Back then Janice loaned me a dry sack for my lunch and essentials. Janice also loaned me a kayak. Yesterday, I rented.

These days I am more comfortable on the water and more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable alone. Nevertheless, when you rent, you have to read and sign three pages of paper; paper that says you are responsible for anything that happens to you. Back then, Janice and I and the other women we kayaked with knew we were responsible for everything that happened – including the poison ivy – but that is Janice’s story.

One of the pages you sign says that you were given an opportunity to inspect the vessel before embarking. The young rental attendant walked ahead of me on the floating dock, turned left on an extension where three kayaks were moored, grabbed one by the rope, chose a different one, “This one,” she said. “Get in, I hand your things.” Fortunately, I had just taken time to snap on my PFD.

Stepping in to a low kayak from a dock feels much less secure than shoving off from a beach with all items organized and secured ahead of time. I plopped on the seat back and had barely achieved balance when she passed me my backpack and the oar. My experiences with Janice were on the Gunnison and Colorado Rivers. This is the first time I have ever stepped into a kayak bobbing in 20 feet of water. Let me tell you, I felt much more secure stepping into the shallows of the Colorado River, though if I were to believe my mother, “The Colorado River is treacherous with undertows, stay away from the river, people have drowned there!” Suffice it to say, I have not stayed away from the river. I paddled a portion of the Gunnison, which joins the Colorado in Grand Junction. I paddled a portion of the Colorado from Palisade toward Grand Junction. I drive down Highway 128 as often as possible. I have hiked to the confluence of the Green and the Colorado, I have been swimming in Bullfrog. I swim often at Wahweap; and last weekend I rented a kayak two days in a row and paddled around Wahweap Bay in Lake Powell.

Lake Powell, you will ask, what has that to do with the Colorado River? Everything. Every drop of water in Lake Powell is merely stored water of the Colorado River and its tributaries.

My brother doesn’t think the lake should exist, doesn’t think the dam should have been built. Be that as it may, that water, that Colorado and Utah and Wyoming snow melt, cannot help the fact that it is dammed up. I have followed the river and it is unlikely I will stop following it anytime soon. There are people I love that are dammed up – anal – and I still make the effort to visit them out of love and respect. And, dammed or not, I will still visit the river as often as possible.

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An Effort to Visit the River

An effort to visit the river

The first time I tried to get out on the water, my attempts were frustrated. I was balked of my best-laid plans. I knew water was exactly what I needed for self-care and restoration, so I went to rent a kayak. They were too cautious to rent it to me – because I was alone. To be fair, the wind was kicking up and I do know that exacerbates the entire process of hoisting the bark to the car top and then unloading the vessel and transporting it to the water. Yet, it feels unfair when folks are immediately skeptical of you because you are alone. If you wait until someone can go with you, there are so many adventures you will miss. Yes, they were skeptical of my being alone – and skeptical of my vocabulary. Apparently my use of the words “tether” and “dry-sack” were no more acceptable than being alone.

On my way home from that curtailed attempt, I discovered another kayak rental shop where the boats were already in the water, accordingly, I returned the following weekend. I tethered my hat, rolled my phone in the tiny dry sack, packed a lunch and essentials in a daypack and arrived in time to rent a kayak for two hours.

The young rental attendant walked ahead of me on the floating dock, turned left on an extension where three kayaks were moored, grabbed one by the rope, chose a different one, “This one,” she said. “Get in, I hand your things.” Fortunately, I had just taken time to snap on my PFD. I stepped aboard, plopped on the seat back, she passed me my backpack and the oar and walked away. There I was, bobbing in 20 feet of water, somewhat balanced, sitting on top the back of the seat that should have been properly adjusted and supporting my back, holding a daypack that needed to be secured in bungees either fore or aft and holding an untethered uni-paddle. This felt much more precarious than stepping into a river and shoving off a fully loaded and secured kayak. So much for being trained and prepared. Somehow I maneuvered the back support from my butt hold, vaguely attached my daypack and reversed out of the parking space. And my rear was immediately wet. Which brings out a major difference between sit-in and sit-on kayaks. A major difference, but no major problem, for I had remembered my river mentor’s (Janice) sage advice and I was not wearing cotton panties. The open lake was glorious. I paddled straight to the other side, beached my bark (which was actually polyethylene not wood) and walked toward some rock formations I had been longing to explore. Lunch was had on a sand dune. Returning to my kayak, I took a leisurely exploration counter-clockwise back to the marina. As I paddled, I noticed soreness beginning, right there in the purlicue, where my thumb joins my hand. By the time I reached the marina, a layer of skin sloughed off. But that did not dampen my enjoyment, nor did it stop me from repeating the whole kayaking process the following day – even better prepared with moleskin and paracord.

River or Lake, this no mere water; it came from Colorado – as did I.

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Endeavors in Self-Care

You have to be intentional about self-care and relaxation. Accordingly, I intentionally slept in on Saturday morning. I stretched and rose and put my organic flax and herb and lavender shoulder wrap in the microwave to heat. I had a plan. Saturday is my day off. I can go to work any time I please, I thought. For instance, I don’t have an appointment until 10:00 am. I will crawl back into bed and wrap up cozy with the organic heating pad and pretend I am at a spa. Maybe I will reheat the little flax sandbag and tuck it round my feet. Think of it, Self! You can relax.

It was 5:45 am and I was brushing my teeth when I noticed the distinct smell of popcorn. Popcorn? Who in my condo complex pops popcorn? I hadn’t even heard anyone else stirring.

I threw down my toothbrush and rushed to turn off the microwave. 7749 minutes remained on the timer. I charged across the room and jerked open the door to the outside air. There is nothing more nerve-wracking than a smoke alarm going off before dawn – or anytime for that matter. I switched the thermostat off – don’t want to heat the entire outdoors – and flipped on the stove fan and the bathroom fan.

Only then did I hazard opening the microwave door and quickly fishing out the burned healing pouch, evading the smoke alarm as I dashed to the door and flopped the thoroughly toasted flax beanbag onto the patio. But the planets! Oh the bright planets were in the sky and I had slept away 45 minutes of time I could have been hiking. Instead, leaving the outside door wide open, I wrapped up in my faux fur throw and watched the sunrise. Happy Saturday, Everyone!

Keep putting one foot in front of the other!

When Sunday restores the soul

Do you take a regular day off each week? One out of seven? Two out of seven? What do you do with that day off, totally off?

I grew up in a home that went beyond luxuriating in Sunday as a day of relaxation. My family of origin enforced Sunday as a day of rest. No sports. No games. No reading of secular material. Just attendance at Sunday School and Church, preparation and cleanup of a large family meal. Yes, Sunday was an enforced day of rest and as such, a day marked by ennui, often headachy, making me squirm with a longing to get something done.

These days I am still prone to that extreme of getting something done. There are always things that somebody has got to do. If I don’t do them, who will? I am guilty of checking things off the list at the expense of not taking a day – not even one of seven – for rest. My soul shrivels. My vision is constricted.

My spirits were on the brink of shriveling when I woke in a motel room, 200 miles from home, having successfully completed a vendor fair the evening before. Nothing to do? No excuse for not taking a day of rest.

Posey Lake is 18 miles up the Hell’s Backbone Road from Escalante. It was mid-September and the colors, oh the colors, were glorious!

IMG_2379poseylakeOnce I got to the lake, I sat on the boat dock for some minutes, just wasting time. Then, I did the logical thing and took a hike all the way around the lake, startling myself and cattle along the way. Once on the other side, I noticed a trail leading to a lookout. However steep, who can resist a trail? A trail leading to a CCC built fire lookout in Dixie National Forest? Even more delectable.

At first, I took only pictures. The aspens and the conifers were ravishingly colorful.

IMG_2384tallredaspenThen, a few more paces along the trail and I began to shed the layers of photographer, writer, or analytical business woman. With wild abandon, I went on a tree-hugging spree. I sniffed out a Ponderosa (searching for that faint vanilla). I hugged the ponderosa. Then I hugged an aspen. Then a very young blue spruce. And finally I ended up in the arms of an Englemann.

And, at the top, at the lookout, I found an entire colorful panorama stretching for hundreds of miles.

It was Sunday. I had a day off. A day to relax. A day for spiritual renewal. I went further up the mountain.

And my soul, o my soul, was refreshed

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