Grandma Cherry and Selah

Originally uploaded by ein feisty Berg

Wanting Well

There are so many things I WANT to do: take a walk each day for exercise and waist control, finish a sewing project, clean the house thoroughly, write on my two novels, practice all my music instruments…and of course, be working toward the 10 things I want to do before I die.

There is nothing wrong with wanting or strong desire. In fact, the one who has ceased to want anything for oneself and lives only to sacrifice for the dreams and goals, wants and desires, of another has crossed the line into unhealthy co-dependence.

Likewise the one who thinks only of his or her own goals, dreams, and desires; with total disregard for the dreams and needs of those who people the world called ‘family and close friends,’ has tipped the balance toward the unhealthy.

Finding the balance can be a challenge.

Perhaps it had something to do with the sun, which I got a lot of, since I went camping with daughter Andrea, my Mom and Dad, and my brother and SIL, on Saturday and Sunday.

  Maybe it had to do with finally taking a destination train trip.  Oh, I’ve taken the train at Central City before, and the one in Moore Washington, and the Utah Heber Creeper; but, last Tuesday I boarded the train for a trip over the Continental Divide, through the beautiful Rockies and on Thursday I enjoyed the return trip as well.

Then again, I did a lot of riding (which I love) and no driving (which I hate).  I did a bit of shopping and was inspired to return home and create some “glorified denim,” which was in the neighborhood of $79.00 in the tourist towns and which I will edit and construct for around $20.00.

But, perhaps, just perhaps, it was a good week because I felt empowered; no longer at the mercy of those who manipulate, dictate, or insinuate for power.  I am too old not to notice such games and too self-aware to play along.

On Friday, June 29, 2007 I learned that my job of the past 15 months had not been funded for the fiscal year beginning Monday, July 2! I found this out after declining a different job at the same institution which would have paid more and offered benefits and a couple of stress producing features (extended driving, commuting, and quotas); and while in the process of interviewing for yet a third position.  I chose not to take the stressful job, packed my office decor and personal items, drove home and booked myself the train ticket.  I am 53 and it is OK for me to be decisive and to have a little break after 15 months of non-stop responsibility. It is also OK for me to be intentionally about the business of those 10 things I want to do before I die.

I spent Monday and Tuesday at college orientation with Andrea – this too feeds my spirit, because it is a joy to see the person she has become and to participate in her plans for education and a future.

I am home now–and job hunting, but still savoring the last few days. 

Before I turned 40 I began writing books.  I began teaching Language 101 and Manners 101 to my toddlers even through I said I would never home school.  I loved playing the piano.  I loved precisely rolled and folded fresh laundry neatly tucked exactly where it should be.  I loved being a stay at home mom, yard-sale-ing; and I baked tons of bread and stretched chicken and beef to nourish my family on a very limited budget. Aside from budgeting and laundry; what did I want to do with my life?

I wanted to return to Colorado before I died.

I wanted to be a published author.

I wanted to be the quintessential Proverbs 31 woman.

I wanted to mentor younger women and be mentored by older, wiser women.

I began to say that my “Fantasy Island” would be performing on the stage at Red Rocks.

I wanted to find the best public education possible for my kids.

I wanted to spend time around stages, microphones, studios and musicians.

I wanted to invest my life, make a difference in my world, and make a difference in the lives of others.

I wanted to travel and see places unknown, via plane, and train, and auto, to experience “the good life,” in all its changing forms.

I wanted to be a person of knowledge and influence. 

Well, Gentle Reader; the list contains 10; some general, some specific; yet remaining consistent through the intervening years; plumb with much of what I desired even in childhood.  When we meet again I will endeavor to assess how I am doing; which goals are met, which are yet to strive for.