Category Archives: Health and Long Life

Addiction, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

Affirmation Addiction

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IMAGE_00161

Originally uploaded by ein feisty Berg

I am a life-long affirmation addict. I am so addicted that I sacrifice who I am just to be who “they” want me to be in order to receive affirmation and applause. I behave well in an attempt to control the emotional responses of the other. If I am good at what I do; no one will ever be angry with me. If I am really, really, good; they might even applaud me or better yet; absolutely love me!

Manipulation
As much as I love praise and affirmation, I hate it when someone controls or manipulates me with it; when someone withholds attention or shames me for being who I am and then praises or thanks me excessively when I am finally who they want me to be; when I finally do life the way they want me to do it.

I care too much about what other people think. I want them to think I am nice; intelligent, fair and just, good looking, cool. If I cannot make them think those things about me; if they hate me; then life is not worth living. Its just like driving. I hate driving because I cannot control the other drivers. I try to drive perfectly. Surely if I am perfect in my driving no one will blare their horn at me, holler, flip me off, or tailgate; right?

There is a difference between working one’s tail off doing what one loves to do, doing the best job possible; and sucking up, knocking oneself out doing something one does or doesn’t like to do–just to receive the praise, affirmation, or reward from someone else.

Step 6 of the twelve steps says, “We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Melody Beattie adds, “We decide we are ready to take a risk, and let go of these outdated behaviors and attitudes (Codependent No More, Beattie, 1987).”

This affirmation addiction; this being who other people want me to be. These are outmoded ideas and behaviors.

“If we weren’t trying to control whether a person liked us, or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently?… What haven’t we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? (Beattie,1990, The Language of Letting Go, p. 115).”

Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Poetry and Prose, Uncategorized

Sunshine On My Shoulder

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Sometimes a day is so excruciatingly beautiful that I can hardly stand it. So lovely and melancholy at the same time that it brings pain or tears. This can happen without warning; in the best of times or the worst of times; whether or not I am stressed, pressed, or have nothing to do. It makes no difference whether I am in a relationship, ending a relationship, tense with teenagers, coworkers or utterly alone, “Sunshine, almost always makes me high,” as John Denver sang; and yes, it can make me cry also.

Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Music and Theatre, The Petty Pace, Uncategorized

Captain Jack Leaves the Island

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“But where’s the rum?” is an oft quoted line from Pirates of the Caribbean

It is doubtful Pirate Jack would have been willing to leave the island if the rum had not run out. I think that’s the way it is with most people, including me. We are reluctant to leave a bad job, relationship, house, church, country, you name it; until the thing we are most dependant on runs out; no longer exists. That thing can be money, security, affirmation, sex, or other significant or seemingly insignificant thing. When it runs out we finally find the courage to slough off all the debris of the launch stages that have supported us this far and rocket on toward who we are meant to be next.

But where’s the rum?

Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Religion, The Petty Pace, Uncategorized

The Prayer that Never Fails

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Father Tim and Cynthia are fond of praying it (the prayer that never fails) in Jan Karon’s Mitford series.
I was taught to pray something like it during my growing up years: “Thy will be done”
Trouble is, in my adult years it began to seem like a cop-out; a way that every prayer is always answered; whether one agrees with the outcome or not.  Come boldly to the throne of Grace became, “He’s going to do it His way anyhow, so why even ask?” Then the pendulum swung back the other way, “Name it and claim it! Believe and all things are yours!” After that came a number of difficult years in which I thought things through, decided what needed to happen, and then prayed specifically; pleaded, begged, bargained, and yes; tried to manipulate the behaviors of others through prayer. Finding myself impotent to control the wrong behaviors of significant people through my prayers; I regressed to “He’s going to do it His way anyhow, so why even ask?” I withdrew from the great conversation and left the Sovereign to run the universe His way.

Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Religion, The Petty Pace, Uncategorized

The Prayer that Brings PEACE

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It is hidden deep in the twelve steps of AA and other addiction groups and it has become, for me, the prayer that brings peace:

Pray only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out (Beattie, 1987, Codependent No More, p. 175, step 11b)

I am not an alcoholic, nor have I been married to one, so it was almost an accident that I found this step; nevertheless; it brings Peace. Peace from controlling, peace from manipulating, peace from striving to do everything in my own strength.

It is at once enlightening and empowering. It is like being gifted with a powerful flashlight and spyglass at the outset of a grand adventure. I, as the seeker of knowledge and truth, scramble around, poking in every nook and cranny for knowledge of His will and investigating the most outrageous places for the power to carry it out. He is after all, Omniscient and Omnipresent so one never knows where truth or power will turn up next.

Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

Life as an adventure

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Live life like an adventure. Well, that sounds like fun; but I fear that my attitude more often lines up with the old Holiday Inn commercial which said, “The best surprise is no surprise.”
Both Andrea and Philip have been on spring break this past week and we really wanted to do something special. Florida and the beach maybe? No, that has never been in reach. Train ride to San Francisco? Dream on! A quick look in the bank account ruled out overnight trips altogether-we were lucky to find gas money to get Andrea home. So, on Tuesday we took a drive over the Colorado National Monument near Fruita; stopped to eat our picnic lunch at Artist’s point and then hiked to the Coke Ovens formation. It was a nice easy hike and our energy was a gift of the wonderful sunshine and our recent move to lower elevation. Returning to the fork in the trail, we decided to explore the monument canyon route; lengthy and more challenging. A quick check of Andrea’s IPOD at the floor of the canyon reveled that we needed to hoof it back to the car in order for Philip and me to arrive at work on time. Back UP the zig-zag trail we hurried. Whew! On arriving at the car we were relieved to find an hour to spare and disappointed to find a $7.00 entry fee waiting for us as we exited the national park. We learned two lessons: 1) National Parks charge all year long 2) Its not wise to take on a full scale hike before moonlighting at serving, bussing, and scrubbing floors Cinderella style. Philip and I ended up bone weary and exhausted.

So, Wednesday we did the only sensible thing: We headed for the hot springs and adventure number two.

Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

A Bucket of Joy

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Numbers 4 and 5 on the bucket list were: Bring joy to others and; have joy in my life. I think these two goals, or life ambitions, are inseparable. Ifs pretty hard to live a joyless life and have any joy to bring to others. Conversely, if one’s own bucket is full of joy, it is easy to splash dippers of joy all over the surrounding people. Joy is a thing that just spills out, so I don’t think there’s any point in hypothesizing a miserly person who keeps all their joy to themselves. Real Joy spills out.

I do think it is possible for a joyless soul to try hard to conjure up a false joy by dedicating themselves ceaselessly to others. In this case one’s joy, or mood, is dependent on the response or lack thereof in the receiving party. Real joy is not dependent on something as fragile as mood or response; nor is it synonymous with happiness or laughter – though I would like plenty of those in my life also.

OK, I’m off to gather a bucketful of joy so I can splash it liberally on others!

Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, Music and Theatre, Uncategorized

Leave a Legacy

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The Grandmas and Selah 2

Originally uploaded by sarahgrace

Its number three on the aforementioned Bucket List; but right up there with number one on mine.
My three children are by far the greatest thing that has come out of this challenge and chaos called life.

They are not mine to buy and sell and use and own; but, they are mine to love, and to provide wings for. They are the primary recipients of the LEGACY I long to leave. A legacy that includes:
1) Plenty of music and musical opportunities
2) A classical education
3) Rewarding work ethic
4) The proper tools and gifts to help the tree grow in the way it is bent
5) Freedom to be oneself, who one is meant, by the Creator, to be
6) A well of memories and experiences to grow on
My professional friend has a large matted gold frame on her office wall. The frame proudly displays all the major accomplishments of her life: diplomas, professional licenses – and a portrait of her three children. I could not illustrate it better. Children are a heritage from the Lord. They are my life’s magnum opus. Children’s Children are the crown of old age. I must be old, because I have a three jeweled crown.

Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, Music and Theatre, Uncategorized

Leave a Legacy

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The Grandmas and Selah 2

Originally uploaded by sarahgrace

Its number three on the aforementioned Bucket List; but right up there with number one on mine.
My three children are by far the greatest thing that has come out of this challenge and chaos called life.

They are not mine to buy and sell and use and own; but, they are mine to love, and to provide wings for. They are the primary recipients of the LEGACY I long to leave. A legacy that includes:
1) Plenty of music and musical opportunities
2) A classical education
3) Rewarding work ethic
4) The proper tools and gifts to help the tree grow in the way it is bent
5) Freedom to be oneself, who one is meant, by the Creator, to be
6) A well of memories and experiences to grow on
My professional friend has a large matted gold frame on her office wall. The frame proudly displays all the major accomplishments of her life: diplomas, professional licenses – and a portrait of her three children. I could not illustrate it better. Children are a heritage from the Lord. They are my life’s magnum opus. Children’s Children are the crown of old age. I must be old, because I have a three jeweled crown.

Emotional Health, Family, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, The Cabin, The Petty Pace, Uncategorized

Reflect (#1 on the Bucket List)

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Grandma MM

Originally uploaded by ein feisty Berg

“Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants…….The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word. But the worries of this life…choke it, making it unfruitful. Matthew 13:7 and 22.”

Over the past several years, I have repeatedly heard speakers lamenting and pointing out the fact that houses are no longer designed with front porches on which to sit and talk with family and neighbors at the end of the day. Companionable reflection rarely happens in our activity laden or television choked lives.

When we moved to the cabin, the porch, or deck, was rather rickety and precarious. Doug reinforced and replaced the pile and beam supports. I bought two patio benches for our anniversary the first year. For a few years we made a nightly habit of sitting and reflecting on the trials and successes of each day. It was a good habit. Reflection is healthy; for the individual and for relationships. By and by the worries and cares of life choked out this reflection time. Once again the struggle to survive became all consuming.

Now I am once again in a place, a time, of reflection as I work on my book and “feel my pain.”

In a previous post, I quoted Christian Counselor, Maryellen Stipe as saying (in part)
“When you fill your life and brain with obsessing … fixing …you mood alter on that (worrying, catastrophising, planning to control the chaos, etc) and you do not feel your own pain, or take care of the issues in your own life. You are so busy living someone else’s life that you don’t live your own life or dreams or purpose”

Reflection.  Reflecting on the pain and the joys in life.  Getting emotionally, mentally, spiritually healthy.  Definitely on my list of 10 things I want to do before I die.  How about this year?