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My Answer

I have decided to throw myself on God’s Mercy and Grace, rather than to stand stubbornly in my own rags of self-righteousness,  weathering the storm on my own strength by declaring that I will keep my word.  What strength do I have?  None.  What strength does God have?  The Universe! 

This is one more application of the 12 Steps to Recovery provided by Alcoholics Anonymous.  The steps I am thinking of today go something like this:  I admit that I am powerless and my life unmanageable. I believe that a Higher Power can restore me to sanity. I am seeking to increase contact with that Higher Power through meditation and meditative walks.

If this sounds interesting to you, check out these links: http://hazelden.org/

http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm and be sure and read some of the books on my favorite books page!

Happy Day After Christmas To You!

How did you wake up this morning?  Elated?  Deflated?

Most of us are mature and experienced enough to exercise caution when it comes to the holidays.  We know the pitfalls – be they social and familial or social and ingestible – and we prep our minds, if not our bodies, for them.  We know not to expect too much.  We don’t want to be disappointed in the holidays; we just want to survive the holidays. It really came as no surprise to me that it took an extra two hours of dozing and subconscious working through of issues – both psychological and nutritional—Followed by the writing of five pages in my journal, to be ready to meet this day after Christmas. The big revelation, however, is that there exists a holiday backlash – be your holidays good or bad!  It takes just as much emotional energy to process the good that exceeds our expectations, as it does to process disappointments. I am an old and cracked vessel and must be careful not to burst in the ferment of JOY and WONDER. I have had a good life, of late, and it is almost more than I can bear.  Happy Day After Christmas to you!

Merry Christmas, A Vintage Sound Card

A Heart Felt Merry Christmas from Me to You!

If you want this to be a sound card, press the play button. (never mind, I did not upgrade nor find an alternative way to send the music)

Three of my most favorite people in the world.

And, a Chapter of my newest book in print, The Pancake Cat https://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/search.aspx?q=The+Pancake+Cat&x=32&y=8

Snow Delirious

I know now why deer do that little sideways hop.  I did it myself this afternoon in the sun and the snow out along the ridge. What a luxury to be free and out walking in the full sun just before it nodded in the west. The foot of snow we got last week has diminished and receded from the large boulders in sculpted, bevel-edged swoops and hollows; but the crackling fog cloud of this morning built long, sparkling, luxurious crystals on all the remaining snow drifts.  Mud is scarce and the snow delightfully squishy and plentiful. My booted feet craved to burrow in the crunchy snow dunes with the same motion used bare in the Pacific beach sands way back in summer.  My gloved hands irresistibly, ravenously, reached toward the untouched, minute shards of ice.  This is material, tangible, hunger and desire at its best, for its fulfillment is abundant and freely had- a daily gift from the creator. Oh, the delicious out of doors and sunshine!

The Tortoise and the NaNoWrimo Writers

The Pancake Cat is the story of a wild cat that would not be owned, but finally chooses a family.  Meet the family and learn something of contemporary American history and multi-culture in the pages.  Nine year old Andrea is thoughtful and vivacious.  She has always wanted a cat and aspires to own and run an orphanage when she grows up.  Her little brother Philip is cute as a gifted four year old can be.  Mom and Dad provide time honored nurture and upbringing, and give their best effort to squeeze fun and teaching moments out of daily life.

 So, while all my friends are crowing about winning NaNoWrimo and writing 50,000 words in 30 days; I present to you my latest offering, “The Pancake Cat,” which was written and published at tortoise speed.

Thirteen years ago I received the inspiration to write about a stray cat that enjoyed pancakes. I added to the narrative and submitted the manuscript as an Institute of Children’s Literature project for which I eventually received 6 hours of college credit.  In 2004, I researched and added several more chapters in my bid to win $10,000 in scholarship funds to finish my college education. I did not win the scholarship, but I did finish my education-and the book.  In December of 2006, I had several copies printed and tape bound at a local photo copier establishment and these I gave as Christmas gifts.

Those first books are sure to be valuable someday.  Only 20 copies contain the “Fact or Fiction” endnotes that explain how I came up with the story.

In 2009 I discovered that my book was “out of print.”  Because the information is still relevant, and because gifting with a book never goes out of style, I present to you, dear reader, The Pancake Cat.  Newly released from Xlibris and available by special order at Barnes Noble or Amazon; The Pancake Cat is suitable for accomplished readers ages 8 to 10 (and it won’t bore the grownups either).

The Desires of the Heart

I believe that it is healthy for a person to follow his or her dreams.  I am not talking here of nonsensical, unrealistic, idle daydreams.  I am referring to God given desires of the heart which are inherent in the temperament one is born with. I am talking about dreams that are the substance of what I am meant to be. The deep, sometimes secret, desires that will not be squashed, will not be denied, no matter how hard I try to distract myself with other busyness and obligation.

In addition to embracing the emotional and spiritual health that comes from pursuing the person I am meant to be, via following my dreams and passions; I continue to ask the God of the universe to grant me good vision-the perception to know the good thing when I see it. It is not always easy to see the dream when you are living it.  The cliché, “Can’t see the forest for the trees,” expresses it simply.

The Innovative Minister of Music

There was a time, at the tender age of 29; that I thought my life was over, washed up, truncated, and I would never get to see my dreams fulfilled no matter how long I lived.  That dream, which had been instilled in me as a child, was that I was destined for full time ministry. At 29 I was recently divorced, but all the passions to serve and minister were still intact. I already knew that maverick leadership and ministry carries tough challenges.   It is difficult to minister effectively without a Paraclete, a sidekick or right hand man.  Imagine Batman without Robin, Roy Rogers without Dale Evans-or even Simon without Garfunkel. Nevertheless, I determined to move forward.  Being alone and divorced seemed insurmountable and I spent a number of days grieving that I would never be able to fulfill my calling.  Some 18 months later the realization began to dawn that I was ministering full-time; just not in the traditional way I had always envisioned it.

I was teaching piano lessons to 20 young people each week, enriching those little lives and building into their futures.  I was working 20 hours per week as a radio announcer for a nonprofit station, ministering to listeners in the most lonely hours of the evening and weekend.  And, I was raising a uniquely gifted son who would go on to influence a broader audience (with more confidence) than I ever had.

All the World’s a Stage

Playing piano and radio announcing make an easy morph (metamorphosis) to a passion for performance.  I could not ignore the siren call of the stage, the studio, the microphone, though I was fearful and timid.  Today I can say, “I have found my stage.”  Of all places: in the classroom. Yes, there is a designated body of information I must teach; narrow parameters to what I can do with my creativity.  But, my classroom is my stage.  I have 27 minutes in which to wow my audience; to leave them laughing or pondering a new concept. I have 27 minutes to minister to 27 wiggly (or apathetic) bodies and provide them an opportunity to become better, to broaden their body of knowledge and experience, to taste performance.  I am who I am meant to be. I am living my dream.  I am doing all I can do to empower them to live theirs-to be all they can be.

Daylight Savings Time, Your Problem

Spring Ahead, Fall Back. “There you go!,” they tell me, “it is easy to remember.” But they’re accustomed to their way of thinking, not mine.

A little phrase like ‘Spring ahead, Fall back, can trip my over-analysis switch:  Let me think here. Is that, fall forward and spring back? (After all, when you compete in triple jump it’s important to fall forward-I’ve known that since before daylight savings time began). 

I have the same problem with dessert and desert.  Let’s see, do those Ss stand for too much sand or too much sugar?  I can never remember.  I think I eat dessert and live in the desert.  One thing I have no trouble remembering, however; is how to wield there, their and they’re.  And if you’re thinking that’s a silly thing to pride myself on, that’s your problem.  Not even the media gets that one right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Rose Bush

The rose bush is still blooming.author

Three new buds present, unopened on the upper stakes of the vermillion bush.  Yesterday I brought a half blown rose to the little vase on my dining table to replace the wilted specimen from last week. I have had fresh roses on my table for two months.

The rose bush that someone landscaped 20 years ago and carefully tended in the small backyard of this rental townhouse is still blooming.  I am grateful to that caring person for giving verve and color to the small private space. I acknowledge that no hard freeze has yet struck our neighborhood. I am also aware that the enduring beauty and survival of blooms is partly due to my careful watering, attentiveness and consistent pruning. 

May I exercise that same care and stewardship over my own comings and goings so that I bloom far into the winter!

I love to walk

a fine inspiring walkI love to walk.  Walking is a habit, an addiction, something as necessary for my well being as sleep or food; music and written words.

I love to walk; but, not for transportation.  I do not really enjoy destination walking.  Walking for transportation or to a prearranged destination inevitably carries with it a deadline; some sort of stress or reason to arrive by a certain time, looking a certain way.  Besides, destination walking often takes one parallel to traffic noise of every sort and on concrete sidewalks that jolt one’s joints.

Walking for exercise or meditation is quite flexible; and therefore, inspiring. One constantly has choices and makes benign decisions. On impulse I can change my course; live a bit on the wild side, or have a mini adventure simply by taking a path I have never been down (or up) before. If my cogitations and ruminations take a little longer than expected, I can walk around an extra block or butte until I get the niggling knots thought out. If I spy a rainbow (five times in the last three months), a superlative invoking sunset, or light reflecting through the ever changing autumn colors just so; I can take time to pause and reflect on that fleeting moment of nature’s beauty.

Walking for recreation or meditation is not the same as aimless wandering.  It has purpose and a malleable goal. It simultaneously invigorates, relaxes and empowers; leaving me refreshed and energized to stand on my own two feet in other situations large and small.

Victoriously across the finish line (see previous post)

Dear Anonymous,

Crossing the finish line is undeniably cliché, quite general, and maybe even a bit indirect or obscure; but, my intent was to use a time worn metaphor to suggest keeping my focus on a goal.  In this case the metaphor might be applied to several milestones.

Do I mean “when my life ends.”? As we take the Apostle Paul to mean when he says, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished the course?”  Yes. 

Do I also mean that I want to hurry up and cross the finish line (die) as soon as possible?  No. (Although there is some truth, and I identify somewhat with a poem we read in high school about it being best for heroes to die young while the fame of their deeds and the laurel wreath was still fresh-before the applause dies down and they are forgotten).  But, heavens!  I need to do something to be lauded and wreathed for first!

 Do I mean that I want to run several successful races, meet several substantial goals along the way?  Yes. I am not putting all my effort, pinning all my hopes, on one gigantic race or project that concludes when life ends. 

 As a recovering co-dependent, recovery/emotional health is one of those substantial goals.  In the past, my yearning and longing has focused on being loved and approved of. It has been my tendency to strive to make myself indispensable, to find my fulfillment or alter my mood by meeting the needs of others (and thereby claiming their praise and approval). While it is a fine thing to give of oneself; it is dangerous to live one’s life solely to meet the goals of someone else.   It is the most irresponsible thing a very conscientious person can do. My goal right now (from which I must NOT be deterred by longing and yearning) is to “Be all that my creator intended for me to be” (and that’s not an Army ad).   I have additional, more specific, short and longer term goals regarding my writing and my music.

In conclusion, when I wrote, “may I harness the yearning and longing and let them be a matched team that pulls my chariot victoriously across the finish line,” I was referring to short term goals, long term goals and final goals.

Perhaps Emerson expressed it more succinctly when he penned , “Sail into port grandly; or be content to sail with God the seas.”