Category Archives: Uncategorized

Old Style Multitasking

This morning I mentioned that I am tired of arranging my new home- in the same way one grows tired of eating out and craves a home cooked meal – even though eating out is also a favorite thing of mine.  About 8:00 A. M I determined to forget any housework or picture hanging that might be on my “to do” list, and devote my time today to inspiration and self care. I washed my face, put in my contacts, put on my walking shoes and headed away from civilization and toward the red canyons that fan out from the ridges to the south and west of my home. When I walk I am multitasking because I exercise not only my legs and lungs, but my mind, spirit and emotions as well.  An hour and a half later I returned and headed to the computer to update my status on Face Book.  No sooner had I logged on than my cell phone rang. It was college student #1 calling to have a Saturday chat before the students for whom she is responsible wake (It was 10:30 A.M.).  I quickly logged off. Unlike my children, I cannot hold three internet conversations and one cell phone conversation at the same time. Besides, cell phones just are not the same as the traditional old desktop phone.  I haven’t yet got the hang of supporting the thing between shoulder and chin while continuing to type as I used to be so adept at doing in my twenties and thirties.  I ran upstairs to get better reception and found I no longer had to yell.  I was even able to untie and remove my walking shoes with one hand while I continued to talk and listen. Once my shoes were properly put away I removed my sewing machine from the box and got it all set up, then plugged in the iron and commenced pressing white pillow cases and other flat objects. Half way through touching up my professional sweaters and knit shirts I remembered that my phone has a conference call feature so by merely pushing a button I could talk hands free. Now I began to feel just like old times when I would save my ironing to do while talking to a best friend.

 When Andrea bid me adieu, I finished my ironing and, seeing the sewing machine was ready to go and the iron hot, decided to alter a pair of office pants that had been hanging in the closet for a number of months.  My search for a piece of fabric to use as a (ahem) waist expander took me to the garage. I wasn’t sure which of the six blue Rubbermaid tubs contained the fabric, but I had to move the 4 boxes of books to get to the tubs anyway, so while I was at it I rearranged the boxes in the garage so that Andrea’s things are all in one stack and my music crates are easy to access and Philip’s things are more condensed.  In the process I found a little crate that will hold my spray bottles nicely.  I brought it in and washed it off –and also ran a sink full of water to soak a few dishes in prep for doing them later. The first tub I looked in was full of wrapping paper items which really should be stored in the house.  I hefted it into the kitchen and went for a damp cloth to wash it- and the other dusty tubs in the garage.  Then I saw the tub of small child toys and brought it inside to keep in readiness for grandchild visits, but this necessitated rearranging the under stair storage and running upstairs for a hanging expandable closet shelf. While I was up there I turned off the iron. I finally ate lunch after re-heating it three times in the microwave. Thinking of the grandkids again I realized I would not be able to invite them over until I got the morass of phone and Ethernet wire up from the floor, so I ran that wire up the wall and across the ceiling. The afternoon was progressing and I remembered there were pictures to hang while it was still daylight and no neighbors were sleeping on the other side of thin walls. I had to organize the junk and utility drawer in order to put the hammer, nails, and stapler away when I finished picture hanging. Since the scissors were right there, I removed all the tags from the 12 sofa pillows I bought the other day.  Then I remembered that I needed to look though the music crates to find saxophone music for the newest school band member. When I took four of the pillows upstairs it prompted me to rearrange a few things in my room to accommodate them…Dear reader, I took my morning shower at 5:00 P.M. and closed my garage door at 7:30 P.M.  It is now after nine and I think I’d better go finish my dishes- they have had a good long soak.

In My Own Backyard

In the last 8 months I have made at least five trips to Gunnison and back; to visit, travel with, or provide transportation for Andrea. Each time I tell myself, “I really must take the Black Canyon North Route to Hotchkiss and around next time.” So, today, on the way home from a quiet 21st birthday celebration with Andrea, I did just that.  I was alone and the car has been making funny noises, but, it was well worth the extra travel time.  The colors are starting to change in the mountains. I turned onto highway 92 about four P.M. when the sun was poised languidly on the last toehold of afternoon, a beautiful time to observe scenery.  I stopped at the “Hermit’s Rest” scenic overlook, parked my car and stood at the rail. Below me the Gunnison River backed up from Morrow Point, broad and green. I was able to do a bit of traveling this summer.  Always the sights that caused me to linger, be inspired and refreshed were mountains, oceans, bodies of water. “And to think,” said I to myself as I drank in the mountain grandeur and fall foliage rising steeply on the other side of the canyon, “It’s right here in my own backyard.”

I Feel Welcome Here

You may know the struggle I had a year and a half ago when I left my beloved mountains of 8,000 feet above sea level and repaired to the high desert.  I did not want to come here.  I loved my rustic cabin, the conifer trees, the open space trails, clear air and perfect weather; and most of all the feisty mountain my blog banner is named for.

I did not want to come here – to the high desert.  It was my plan to take a writing sabbatical in Seattle for 5 months, finish a novel, and then see what new adventures life afforded me; maybe on another mountain.  But here is where I ended up. I finished my novel.  I began another and another.  I did not find a publisher, but I found a job. A good job.  A job tailor made for me. I love what I do and who I am.  The job fits so well that I feel welcome there, welcome to be me and to do what I do well.  I feel welcome when I come home at night and write. I feel welcome here, in the high desert. Walking has provided great spiritual, emotional, mental, and of course, physical health for me over the years. I have walked many of the foot paths, back roads and trails in this high desert community.  No one has shouted at me to get off the trail- that it is dangerous and I don’t belong there. No one has threatened to call the sheriff on me for walking on a public easement to get to a public building.  I have made new friends at work, and at church.  I bought lemonade from the boys next door in my new neighborhood.

 I will not go so far as to say I feel at home here.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be truly at home anywhere on earth.  But, I am able to make my home here, because; I feel welcome here. I am at peace.

You are Elastigirl! Pull Yourself Together!

We watched the The Incredibles as a family again a couple of weeks ago; I and my two young adult children, with our traditional home baked pizza. Now every time I head down my familiar codependent path and re-cloak myself in fear, insecurity, over-empathy, wondering for the millionth time if I really gave enough or provided enough nurture in former relationships, toying with the idea of more enabling; anytime I come near wailing, “what’ll I do? How did it come to this?” My daughter responds, “You are Elastigirl! Pull yourself together, whap, whap, whap.”

If you know the plot line of The Incredibles you are aware that Elastigirl had adapted into a perfect mom and wife, meekly following the government issued mandate that super heroes must remain in hiding, masquerading as mediocre people, thus denying they had any gifts or anointing and, in the process, enabling the corrupt system.

Readers, many of you know how easy it is to drift so far into service for others that you forget who YOU are. You forget to care for yourself; to be a steward of your God-given talents. Even though the term co-dependent indicates two persons, I don’t even need to be in a romantic relationship to be codependent. The women in my family line are codependent with the whole world. Every need pulls at our heartstrings and calls us, even obligates us, to self-sacrifice.

By the Grace of God, pull yourself together! Remember who you are! I am not talking about selfish megalomania, I am talking about using your gifts to be you, rather than using your gifts to meddle or enable someone else to be who you think they should be.

Even though she is nearly 21 and has super powers herself; my daughter still needs to see me be all I can be, rightly access the powers of a woman and graciously wield the gifts of all I was created to be.

You are Elastigirl! Pull yourself together!

Lion!

I don’t know if it was something I ate last night.  I did have an extra serving of Selah’s birthday cake and some ice cream. I did have a few licks – a taste check and finger cleaning of the seven layer bean dip I made for the potluck today.  But, in the pre-waking minutes before six A.M., I had a dream about a lion. I don’t know if it was a precursor of things to come; a sort of warning, or a manifestation of inner thoughts and fears. I was not particularly fearful of the lion.

In my dream I was walking back to my house, my childhood home, where I am now living temporarily.  I did take a walk in the dusk and twilight last night, without fear or startle. I dreamed I was headed South on 12th Street from Horizon Drive hiking on the embankment that inclines toward what is now Horizon Towers. It was in the late afternoon. The embankment was rough and rocky as in the old days.  Sandstone boulders leaned one upon the other like a railroad grade or new road base.  Various piñon trees and scruffy brush told me this was natural terrain, not man made. I had to pick my way and scramble from boulder to boulder, much like I did in Seattle last month when the tide was in and I wanted to get from point A to point B along what had been a nice sandy beach the evening before. Suddenly, as I neared the ridge, there appeared a lion. An African style lion with full mane. He was about 25 feet away and though I tried to scream, “Mountain Lion!” no sound came out and I knew I was too far away from the houses to be heard anyway.  It was not a mountain lion.  I knew this in my dream, yet I persist in giving it the title, Mountain Lion. My mind and body were consumed by the immediate question, “What should I do?” Fleeing was out of the question.  One jump of mine to the next boulder would accomplish nothing compared to the leap of this cat. Nor could I, in my summer shorts and sleeveless top, pump myself up to look bigger and more in command. The king was studying me.  I picked up a fist sized rock, aimed, and threw.  “Maybe I can distract him,” I thought, pitching another rock wide. With each pitch I moved in the direction of my goal: home and society. He turned his back to me, disinterested, and in his place stood a female lion. I felt wary of the female, particularly as I continued to walk forward and pass a half grown lion. Was this a cub?  Would both parents come after me to protect the off-spring?  I do not know.  I woke then and I am sure, if anyone was passing my open window, they heard me talking in my sleep, trying with numbed lips to articulate the warning, “Mountain Lion.”

Describing Codependence

You know you are codependent when you self-sacrifice to give another what you want for them. You can be sure you are codependent when you are doubly self-sacrificing in order to provide what you want them to want and what they want. It is proof positive you are codependent when you pull out all the stops of self-sacrifice in order to provide for another person the thing you want for them as well as the thing they want; in hopes they will see the thing you want them to want is the better choice and choose that thing over the thing they thought they wanted.  Love is complicated. Codependent love is convoluted.

The negative idea of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the most important point.” C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Weirdness In Seattle

If you are going to Seattle, you simply must have your own private tour guide.  How else will you know when and where all the quirky  sights and events are to be found? Take the summer solstice parade in Fremont, for instance.  Billed as a non-motorized parade with over 200 bare bodied bicycle entrants; these celebratory solstice folks got away with nudity by painting on all their clothes and costumes.  Some were more effective than others.

More Houses, In Route From Here to There and Back Again

“I sold that house, there, last week.”

“They’ve already moved in.”

“Oh, yeah, at closing. That’s the one with the tiger wood floor – imported from Brazil, got a good deal on it, nice light / dark stripe running down the board like this sample.”

“Exotic.”

“Now, this house here, we can go inside; it has bamboo flooring first time I’ve used bamboo, not sure I like it as well as the tiger wood.”

“I’ve heard it’s the new thing, a bit more green.”

“Supposed to be, but I don’t know.”

“Wow!  This is nice!  I do like the light color of the bamboo.”

“Come on upstairs.  Four bedrooms and a bonus room up there.”

“I love this cubby over the stairs, I’d put my desk here under the window and use it as a writer’s nook.”

“Everyone that has looked at this house likes that nook.  They say immediately, ‘I could put this or that here.’…funny thing, the realtors all said that wouldn’t go over well.  The plan had a two  story open staircase right here and called for a hanging chandelier,  I had the framers change it.”

“You have an architect and a designer?”

“I’m the designer.”

“You take the idea to an architect?”

“I do my own plans.”

Driving through the neighborhood:

“I built that house there, and the one behind it…

Now over here I had to wait to tear down the old rental and then add half a lot which I bought from the lady next door and then subdivide the new lot into two…This cul-de-sac we’re coming up on, I built these 5 houses about 20 years ago, when your dad was up here.  He helped me clear the property…

“The lady in that house?  That rancher? I didn’t build her house, but, she would vote for me for president if I ran.”

“She really likes you, huh.  You get to know her while you were building?”

“She has a nice little lattice work surrounding the patio out there in the backyard, you see?  She has an outdoor shower out there and she likes to go out the do her yoga and exercise and meditate in the outdoor shower.”

“Ah, you didn’t put windows in that side of the house you built next door?”

“I went in with two plans.  One was a split level, and this one is a cut out where the lower level roof extends about 10 feet further out than the upper level and the upper level has windows in the front and back, but none to the side.  No neighbors will ever be able to peep into her backyard.”

Driving through the larger community:

“I built that house… I have a permit out to build on this lot… This lot is planned for 5 houses, had to build a special water vault for that, should have gone for just four houses there… and, I can’t get the excavator to finish his job… remember when the garden used to be here?”

“And the rental?  Yes.  Did you build both of those?”

Affirmative grunt.

“It must be kind of satisfying to drive around town and see everything you have built, besides stuff you worked on while serving on the planning commission.  Do you know how many houses you’ve built?”

“Don’t know.  Probably about sixty, I haven’t counted recently.”

“I think we have seen about 12 or 14 today.”

“To tell you the truth, I think I am kind of reluctant to actually sit down and count.  It was kind of on that “bucket list” as you call it to build a hundred houses here before I quit and I’m afraid to count because I might fall short.”

“So, if you built 99 houses you fall short and are disappointed?  And if you built 101, you have over – reached your goal and have to stop?  I don’t think that is the idea of goal sitting and the bucket list.”

I think, in fact, gentle reader, that I am in the presence of a very modest, understated, specimen of the American work ethic and middle age success.

10 Things revisited

Today I ate Chinese food in San Francisco, something I have been longing to do since about 1995. Over two years ago I wrote a few blogs on the theme of 10 Things I Want to Do Before I Die  http://einefeistyberg.wordpress.com/2007/04/22/the-list-contains-10-ten-things-i-want-to-do-before-i-die/ It seems like an appropriate time to revisit that list and see if my focus has remainded true.

I wanted to return to Colorado before I died.  I returned to Colorado in 1997

I wanted to be a published author.  I have completed a 229 page novel, 40 pages are in progress on another, six pages of still another, 115 page children’s novel independently published; but, the only items I have published for pay are five newspaper articles.

I wanted to be the quintessential Proverbs 31 woman.  I still long for the day I can check all items off on this list

I wanted to mentor younger women and be mentored by older, wiser women. Some, but not enough

I began to say that my “Fantasy Island” would be performing on the stage at Red Rocks. Actually, performing anywhere would be fine

I wanted to find the best public education possible for my kids. K-12 is a wrap

I wanted to spend time around stages, microphones, studios and musicians.  Since all three of my children are musicians, and one owns a studio and lots of microphones, and I teach music and direct performances of children, I guess I can say this goal is thriving

I wanted to invest my life, make a difference in my world, and make a difference in the lives of others. May it continue to be so

I wanted to travel and see places unknown, via plane, and train, and auto, to experience “the good life,” in all its changing forms.  I am in the midst of living this goal.  Today I ate Chinese food in San Francisco. I arrived by train and have experienced the cable car, streetcar, double decker bus and walking tour.  One of my travel goals is to visit all fifty states.

Time Honored Baseball

At the top of the fourth he turned to me and said, “I am really enjoying my father’s day present.” I was too.  Its been 30 years or so since the last time I baked in the sun or got damp and chilled in the rain at a JUCO game. In the space of 3 hours, we did both today- despite being well armed with umbrellas.

We found seats directly above home plate and were free to form our own opinions about the accuracy of the umpire and the strengths and weaknesses of the teams. By the top of the fourth the pace of the game was starting to pick up. He had already had 3 little naps in the stadium seat. I found out that he played baseball in high school. I remember when he coached our small town equivalent of little league summer after summer. I have known all my life that he was a starter on the high school basketball team, but I had never heard about high school baseball.

During the slow beginning innings where the pitcher merely threw strikes and there was little action in the field, I tried to beguile him with conversation, tell him about my seventh grade students who argued just this past week that you can catch a fly with an outstretched baseball cap because it is still attached (all this because I asked them not to be playing baseball in literacy class with detached player equipment- as in, water bottle and pea gravel). I took the counter position that the cap extends further from the hand than the distance allowed in the fingers of a glove.  He did not take the bait, just nodded and said, “Ummm.” Sometime next week he will probably tender his final position on the subject – after he has consulted the online rulebook.

Admittedly, there was more purpose to my invitation than just an early Father’s Day gift (I told him it would take a load off my mind if he would go to the game with me, because then I wouldn’t have to worry about what to get him for Father’s Day). Always the hard worker, my 75 year old dad has been working non-stop the past couple of weeks and exhausting the middle-aged men hired to help.  It was truly time for a holiday.  Baseball fit the bill.

After six innings of reflection I have concluded that baseball is a lot like life.  You spend months and years in training and a good deal of time nonchalantly standing around waiting; as a spectator getting a trifle bored, but you have to keep your head in the game, tensed, alert, and ready at a moment’s notice to make the all important double play-that makes your day or defines your life.