A thirst for writing

You know that feeling when you think you are hungry and you eat something – and then something more – only to find you were really thirsty and a glass of water would have sufficed ?

She rose with the sun in a remote motel, brewed a cup of tea, started some oatmeal in the microwave. It was still a few hours before work. She tried to check her email by laptop. Not enough bandwidth. She tried to open it by phone. Fluctuating bars. She ate a few bites of oatmeal and tried Instagram by phone. The image remained frozen. She sipped her tea, polished off the oatmeal, experimented with a hotspot for laptop. Tried Facebook via hotspot. Wondered what the rest of the world was up to. Tried every alternative. Email by phone. Instagram by hotspot. Facebook by phone. Nothing.

So she gave up on finding out what the rest of the world was doing, filled her water reservoir, strapped on her sandals and headed out to explore the landscape.

But what she really craved was her leather journal and pen.

I’d Rather Cry at Beauty, Than to Cry at Ugly

That’s the trouble with getting outside, it’s as bad a reading a good book. It’s dangerous. It fills you with longing. But at some point, getting outside or reading a good book also fills the longing.

I’d rather go hiking than pay for 50 minutes of therapy.

Either way, the first 45 minutes consist of working through stress and with hiking you usually get a bonus hour or two of enjoyment after that.

Sometimes, when I go hiking, I am so overcome by the beauty of my surroundings that it makes me weep. Sometimes, when I go hiking, my thoughts are so deep they make me weep. Sometimes, when I make music – or hear music – it makes me weep with the sheer beauty of it all.

But I’d rather cry at beauty, than to cry at ugly.

A couple weeks ago I staffed an outdoor event for a weekend in Escalante. On the way home, I stopped at a public piano in Tropic, pulled out the chair and proceeded to play my heart out for about 10 minutes. A woman of my generation – a gracefully aging flower child – sat on the park bench close by and applauded encouragingly.

When I had done and went inside the market to purchase a snack, the woman found me and engaged in conversation. She was touched by the beauty of music and confessed to videoing my mini concert – seemed to ask permission. We talked about beauty – the unexpected beauty of music in surprising places – the beauty of the world and her habit of picking up ten pieces of trash each day – the beauty of the souls who had allowed her to sleep in her car in their parking lot overnight.

We exited the door together and as I cut diagonally toward my waiting auto I heard her squeal of delight at discovering a large praying mantis. It was indeed a magical day. But what happened next was ugly. A large overall-clad man (Overalls on a Sunday morning – so don’t blame the Mormons for what I am about to relate) descended from his big truck and called, “What is it?”

“A praying mantis,” she replied in wonder.

“Well, step on it!” he snapped, “they don’t do anybody any good.”

I know this is not true. I have also learned that I am not called to set the whole world straight; to backtrack 30 feet across parking lots to be a know-it-all because of something I overheard. All the same, I felt guilty about abandoning that lovely hippie to the ugliness of yet another stranger.

Subdued, I continued miles on down the road, contemplating. I hung a left into Bryce Canyon City and on into a park where natural beauty and wildlife are respected and protected. I took a hike – a long hike – and my spirit was restored.

I would so much rather cry at beauty than at ugly.

IMG_2183piano

IMG_3786mytreeinBryce

 

Nature’s Treadmill

We get outside for health.
We get outside for confidence – to pit ourselves against nature for a moment, test our skills, return victorious.
We get outside for a change of pace and a change of scenery – literally.
We get outside to escape the office treadmill, to defy the hamster wheel, the monotonous, repetitive activity in which no progress is achieved – the treadmill of people we cannot fix and things we can’t control.

I think the expression, “I wanted to die,” comes from the following sources: embarrassment, rejection, failure, things of the heart and emotion, societal expectations. And those are the precise feelings I am seeking to heal when I venture, nay, when I go boldly, out into Nature.

I have said that I want to die in a beautiful place. I have also said that day is not today. And it is not. In Nature, the old will to live still kicks in. My reflex is to fight for my life. I don’t want to numb that instinctive will. When the day comes that I die in a beautiful place – I hope it will be decisive – a sudden occurrence. No choice of whether to give up or fight. But until that day, I will struggle. There is no, “lay me down and will myself to die.” While I still live, I will fight for my life.

I go out into Nature for the healing, but sometimes what I get is the scalpel. Other times the treadmill. Yesterday a friend and I floated the Colorado River from Fairy Swale (it is actually Ferry Swale, but Fairy has more scope for the imagination) to Lee’s Ferry. The word floated is misleading. True, sometimes we floated. True it was downstream. Words like halcyon, bucolic, tranquil, serene, placid – even chillaxing came to mind. But there is also wind on the river, wind that blows upstream. Wind that makes white caps of the water. Wind that grabs the nose of your kayak and turns you 180 degrees and makes you feel helpless. Wind that once again puts you on a treadmill of life you find yourself expending herculean energy but going nowhere.

The wind is regularly expected for the last mile of the route from Ferry Swale to Lee’s Ferry. Yesterday it happened three times in the last three miles of the journey. It was a three condor, three osprey, three heron, 99-duck, three extended wind-gusts with white caps and reversals up-river sort of day. And yes, the random half miles of calm beautiful floats were very worth it!

I go out into Nature for the healing, but sometimes what I get is the scalpel. Other times the treadmill. But that doesn’t stop me from returning, over and over again for the healing – the healing that comes after the scalpel has done its work.

IMG_3801Lindasillouettekayakriverreflection

The House He Was Born In

Today is an historic day. Today my parents will sell the house – a shelter they have clung to for the last 55 years; refusing all offers to sell, moving away, coming back, adding on, remodeling, clinging to this third acre of land carved from 35 acres north of town once owned by my maternal grandparents. I spent the summer of my 10th year at the construction site, pounding nails and breathing sawdust and learning about 2 X 4s and insulation and what makes for a quality structure. At that time, we were living in the “old” house next door – the house belonging to my grandparents. We moved into the new house just in time for me to catch the school bus to fifth grade.

Over the past 55 years, my parents and my brother and I have moved in and out – to Guam, to Seattle, to college, to marriage, to Germany, to Virginia, to Dallas, to Chicago – sometimes all of us, more often, one of us branching out and then returning temporarily. My brother has not stayed in the house since 1986. Much to my dismay, I have been more of a boomerang child, returning out of necessity due to military schedules, marriage lapses, and job layovers.

Close to midnight in 1973, my oldest son was born in this house. Today, August 29, 2019, that same son will close on this house. The house he was born in has become the house he remodels for his family of six. The house of Sunday dinners and family reunions and memorable water fights will be the place he shelters his family and launches from for further adventure. The property will stay in the family for yet another generation. My parents have moved – but only to the upper room. Thus they will be able to live on their beloved property until declining physical capacity dictates 24-hour skilled assistance.

Yes, today is an historic day. My son will close on his own newly remodeled house – the one with six bedrooms and four baths – and move on to an even bigger project – remodeling the house in which he was born. If anyone can do it, he can. After all, he made his original entrance into this world with only 45 minutes notice.

Her Colorado River Account

The truth is, she would have signed up for that kayaking trip whether it was August 4 or not. A friend – a fellow writer – who loved the beauty of the great outdoors the same way she did, had organized the trip. It was at least her eighth time on the water that year, but who’s counting? Besides, it was a kind of opened-ended goal for her to touch the Colorado River in as many places as possible.

A few years before, she had hiked beyond the headwaters of the Colorado River in Grand County Colorado – hiked all the way further in to Rocky Mountain National Park where the headwaters were merely snow that was melting and flowing under the ice beneath her feet. It was cold, very cold that April and the paved road had not yet opened for the season. On another trip, she rolled up her pant legs and waded into the river water at Lake Havasu. She visited the Salton Sea and crunched among the heaps of dead sea shells and fish bones. She hiked riverfront trails wherever she could find them and dipped her toes at Glenwood Springs, Rifle and Debeque Canyon; Palisade, Grand Junction, Fruita – and all the way down Highway 128 into Moab Utah. Her love of the Colorado River and its tributaries grew as friends urged her into a kayak on the Gunnison (Escalante to Bridgeport) and a placid-but still Grand – portion of the Colorado from Palisade to Grand Junction.

When you get the chance to paddle, you do. But the fact that it was August 4, made it oh so serendipitous. The part of her that loved history, indeed, the part of her that loved core knowledge and interdisciplinary learning and the way every piece of knowledge connects with another; the interpretive part that is fascinated by reenactments and tribute bands and trips down memory lane; that part of her savored the fact that it was August 4, 2019, exactly 150 years after John Wesley Powell and his expedition crew made their way down this very stretch of river.

On the night of August 3, 1869, Powell and his men camped somewhere near the Crossing of the Fathers (Dominguez and Escalante) on the Grand River. They rose the morning of August 4 and rowed the stretch of river ending at the juncture with the Paria River in Marble Canyon.

On the night of August 3, 2019, she slept in her own bed in Greenehaven, AZ, some 10 miles from the narrow gorge that is the Colorado River in Page, AZ. She rose the morning of August 4, 2019 and drove the 45 miles from Page AZ to what is now Lee’s Ferry just north of Marble Canyon. At Lee’s Ferry, the group caught a backhaul that transferred participants and kayaks just about as far up river as you can go given the presence of Glen Canyon Dam. Once dropped off, some paddled upriver a bit until they could see the power lines and the tunnel where commercial rafts put in just below the dam. When the entire group of eight had gathered on the beach at Fairy Swale, they were underway. Weather wise, it could not have been a more perfect day. The group paddled leisurely down a lazy river, beaching for short hikes to explore petroglyphs; pitied the hoards gathered at the top of Horseshoe bend while the river runners had the river nearly to themselves; caught a current here and there and lounged in kayaks letting the river do the work. The rain clouds rolled in, made the light picture-perfect, but did not rain enough to chill or drench. A pontoon boat passed and then anchored in a cove up ahead and a local musician provided an impromptu concert on the river. Thus, this became Music Canyon, despite being several miles further downriver than the one so named by Powell. The group of eight persons and seven kayaks continued on, exchanging positions, engaging in conversations with different members of the diverse group, getting to know biographies.

With such halcyon circumstances, she forgot all about the stories of paddling against the wind – until it happened. About two miles out from Lee’s Ferry, the wind kicked up. Strong. Blowing up river. Around that same time, she was shunted off to the right by a little eddy, while other members of the group caught a stronger current to the left. Try as she might, she could not catch up. A women more than 5 years her senior outstripped her by 500 meters and disappeared around the bend. This was not her first experience paddling against the wind. Knowing she was in better condition than on any previous trip, she straightened her back, braced her legs, shoved her butt into the seat and began to power paddle – – without effect. Gradually the river carried her downstream. Eventually, she straggled in at Lee’s Ferry, the last of the group to arrive and not the first to exclaim, “Wow! What a trip! What a perfect day!”

She smiled broadly. There was a bit of a lilt, if not a swagger, to her step. She had just added another 15 miles to her Colorado River account.

IMG_3534selfiecloseup

IMG_3533kayaknosetwoahead

IMG_3533kayaknosetwoahead IMG_3538Nickmusicontheboat

The Paria Riffle
The Paria Riffle

It is hard to miss; Part 2: Willis Creek

Willis Creek

She stood in the shade by a small desert creek to refresh herself and prepare her mind for a return hike of the 10 miles she had just completed. Again, she checked the vehicle for signs the guys had been there. Vacant. She left signs of her own presence. A bandana tied to the luggage rack – in case they were also looking for her.

She knew exactly where she and her hiking partner had overshot the return trail. What she could not figure out was where they had bypassed the guys. If they were not waiting at the vehicle, they should have intersected two miles ago. Her hiking partner was convinced the guys were out looking for them.

In her mind she reviewed the information gained from the internet previous to setting out on the trip: Nice family hike. Under six miles. Hard to miss because the trail goes straight down a slot canyon. Five miles round-trip to the end and back. Approximate travel time: 2.5 hours. It had been four hours.

In the beginning, the girls had no intention of splitting off from the guys. Five people, journalists of varying degrees, began the hike together that day. They met a couple hours after dawn, packed into a Jeep like sardines, and jostled two hours up a dirt road to the trailhead, stopping to search out geological features along the way. Arriving at Willis Creek Trailhead, they began the hike in leisurely fashion, taking time to savor the illumination of morning sun on sandstone and to luxuriate in reflections of shadowed pools. Two of the guys were photojournalists. They carried the gear necessary to their art and wielded it for photo ops both posed and candid. A mile and a half into the hike, the girls – both avid hikers – began to move ahead by increasing distances. Hunger sat in. They found an inviting log at a place where the canyon widened. They sat for several minutes killing time in conversation and nourishment. Still no guys. They looked and listened up the canyon. Still no sign of the guys. Her hiking partner helloed and yahooed up the canyon. No response but an echo. So the girls pressed ahead through the ever-widening canyon, walking mostly on soft sand of a creek bed. After a mile of wide creek bed and still no sign of the guys catching up, the girls reversed their route and headed back. They followed the creek. They met no one. They noticed a picturesque tree fallen across the creek. Was that there before? Perhaps we walked under it without noticing. They found fresh desert bighorn tracks in the mud. Very fresh. We did not see those on the way. Soon she said to her hiking partner, “We should be in the slot by now.”

“Did we take a wrong canyon?”

“How is that possible? We have followed the creek all the way back. Let’s just go around this next bend and see what we find.” They did. They found a fence.

“I am sure,” she said, “we could follow this canyon on the left and end up just above the parking lot. But we don’t know the condition of this canyon, there may a dry fall too deep to scale, and we don’t want to miss the guys.”

“Do you think they are searching for us by now?”

Accordingly, they made a 180 and retraced their steps. Looking, always looking to the right for the turn they somehow missed. Presently, the telltale signs of plodding hardship began.

Her: I didn’t bring matches.

She: I have matches.

A quarter mile further.

Her: I don’t want to spend the night in a canyon.

She: The sun is still high.

Another quarter mile.

Her: I didn’t pack that blanket.

She: I have a space blanket (and a headlamp, and paracord, and a whistle, and a windbreaker, and snacks and tissues and two bandanas and a tiny first aid kit. I think I packed too much).

Another mile, another biographical conversation. The girls were getting to know each other better.

Her: Look! There’s the log where we ate lunch.

She: Good grief, how could I have missed it? I didn’t realize we took a sharp turn into Sheep Creek just as we stopped to eat lunch!

No time to lose now. Surely the guys must be up ahead, waiting impatiently. The girls hurried to catch them.

The girls arrived at the Jeep. No guys. No evidence the guys had even been there. Exhausted, the girls propped hiking poles against the door of the Jeep and found a shady place to rest just over a small hill.

Twenty minutes later, while she was still debating going after them, the guys strolled into the parking lot.

“Where were you?” They asked. “How did you make it back before we did? We followed footprints about a mile down Sheep Creek until they ended and then we turned back. How did we not see you?”

The guys had made a leisurely time of it, poking up side canyons to find just the right photo angle, dawdling in the dappled light of photogenic vegetation to catch close-ups. All the while expecting to meet up with the girls at any moment.

She pulled out a phone and checked her mileage: Ten miles.

He checked his: Six miles.

The girls had out-stripped the guys by four miles simply by missing a turn into Willis Creek. Instead, they headed on up Sheep Creek. 10 miles! Not bad, not bad at all for two girls in their 60s.

Yes, it’s hard to miss, but you can do it!

IMG_3282WillisCreekslot

IMG_3278SlorWillisCreek

It is hard to miss; Part 1: Chaco Canyon

Chaco Canyon

She stopped at the visitor center, and talked with the National Park Service Ranger.

“I’ve got four hours to spend. I am an avid hiker, but I don’t like to get hot or feel overheated.” Together they looked at the map. “In this heat, I wouldn’t go to those other backcountry sites beyond the end of the loop,” he advised. She nodded. “What is the travel time to Pueblo Alto?” “Estimated three to four hours.” “And the distance?” She verbalized her informed plan. “I’ll go to Pueblo Bonito, see Kin Kletso, hike to Pueblo Alto and overlook Pueblo Bonito and then stop at one more site at the side of the road on my way out.”

He affirmed, “The Pueblo Alto Trail is hard to miss. You can take the stairway right after Kin Kletso.”

He was right. It was hard to miss. It was hot and exhausting and very hard to have missed it.

She hiked far beyond Kin Kletso, in the heat, toward the backcountry, all the while keeping a sharp lookout for a stairway. Turns out the “stairway” was right behind Kin Kletso. Had she lingered, had she taken time to explore Kin Kletso thoroughly rather than doggedly hurrying onward, she would have found the trail sign. It was hard to miss.

IMG_3356stairwayChaco

Kin Kletso, Chaco Canyon
Kin Kletso, Chaco Canyon

 

 

The Best Coffee Shop / Bookstore in Page, Arizona

I have often joked to my boss, in all seriousness, that I get more work done on the road than when I am in the office. When I travel – for work or for pleasure – I like to rise on my own schedule (5:00 am, if you must know), open my Mac Pro and knock out a few lines of work or of story while still in my pajamas, then ruminate edits while I shower and dress. After a morning hike and morning chores, my favorite haunt is a bookstore or coffee shop with wifi. There I can sit for hours and create a manuscript or spell-check or research an idea if I am on my own time, or complete merchandise orders if I am on the clock.

My studio apartment is much like a motel room; windows only on one side. If I spend an entire day off at home, I am likely to grow morose and lonely and useless as the day progresses. It is too hot to hike, too dark to be cheerful. In addition; my internet is irritating – sometimes non-existent.

Heretofore, I had not found an obliging and comfortable internet café in Page, AZ, nevertheless, I rose this Saturday morning determined to carry the vacation habits learned earlier this week right on into my weekend.

I rose.

I walked.

I wrote.

I showered.

I dressed.

I ruminated.

And then I recollected;

Hallelujah! There is a bookstore / coffee shop in Page, Arizona!

It is my very own bookstore! It has a fabulous, hand-finished, hardwood coffee bar and great music and amazing ambience, and coffee with a story, and hot water for tea, and a window for people watching, and international visitors coming in and out the door, and knowledgeable sales staff.

So. It is Saturday morning and I have come home from vacation – home to a place that is better than I first found it more than two years ago -and I have been a part of making it that way.

This happy camper has been writing and drinking tea for two hours. At the office, but out of the office, on Saturday!

P.S. Those are not my pajamas – they are my vacation clothes.

IMG_3487standingatcoffeebar

 

My hair smells faintly of my childhood

My hair smells faintly of my childhood today. I have been swimming in the river again –the river that is a lake and laps the edges of a sometimes sandy beach. Back then, in my childhood, it was just a ditch, an ordinary, concrete slip-ditch used to irrigate farm and orchard. But it originated in the same mountains as the Lake I swam in today.

High up at the Continental Divide, snow melt crashes over boulders with white-water intensity, descending through granite canyons until – as the Colorado River – it reaches a bend in Debeque Canyon where some of it is shunted off into an irrigation canal and finally a ditch. There are two dams to assist in the division of water for irrigation; one is a simple check dam and the other is the more innovative Roller Dam.

Despite the creep of the city limits, despite the city people who know nothing about the care and maintenance of irrigation pumps and the origin of the priceless water that keeps their lawns green, despite the total lack of experience of the city folk to understand siphoning and flooding techniques once used to keep the vanishing orchards productive, the irrigation system exists to this day.

Another thing the new city folks in all the planned developments and subdivisions don’t know is where the water goes after it passes their property. They know little of the small lake half mile away – which now appears as nothing more than a landscape artifact for a community of apartments – and nothing of the lore concocted in my creative childhood mind as I played in that ditch with my five-year-old brother.

On muddy days, after a thunderstorm upriver, that water was chocolate milk; a treat to be released by my brother and me to the children downstream – but only if they had been good. Other days the slip ditch flowed so clear you could see the little minnows. Better yet, you could see to the bottom of the ditch where the rich sediment built up – sometimes four inches deep with dark, mildly stinky, mud.

From this mud, using my hand like the clawed bucket of a backhoe, I excavated batter for my mud pies. Pressed into a discarded tuna can and left to bake in the sun, these cakes could be unmolded the next day and then frosted with additional mud, which made for artisan quality triple-layer chocolate cakes. I remember begging Daddy not to be so particular about cleaning the ditch, not to liquidate my culinary commodities.

My hair was long then, as a child – almost to my waist. My hair is long now, as a senior citizen. Yesterday I swam in the huge lake a couple hundred miles downstream of that childhood ditch – a lake made possible by a 710-foot concrete dam.

It is June. The lake is rising at a foot to 18-inches per day. We’ve been good children downstream and those Colorado folks are releasing all the frothy snowmelt. I swam in the water of the Colorado River – much bigger and broader than the irrigation slip ditch of youth, nevertheless, my hair came out smelling distinctly of my childhood.

IMG_3303HomeWater

A long and winding road that leads – to beauty.

It was a long and winding road that lead to – who knows where? She had never been there before. But she had just passed through the Kaibab – 41 miles of rolling, forested hills – mountains kneeling, mountains lying down and covered with ponderosa, aspen and mountain meadows. She saw the sign that directed to Point Imperial and Cape Royale. She didn’t need a picture to paint 1,000 words. Those four words were irresistible and she turned left. According to the pocket map provided her by the Park Service Ranger, one has to get a permit to have a wedding at Cape Royale. A wedding? Then it must be beautiful.

Beauty restores. Beauty heals. Beauty comes in many different forms. She needed restoration, healing, beauty, self-care. That morning, she stopped to see friends and acquaintances; a kind word here, an act of service there. But she was empty and it soon became apparent she needed to refill her own tank if she was to serve others. So she sniffed out some nutritional fuel.

The meal was excellent. She tucked a portion away – to go – and planned to polish it off in a beautiful place as dinner. Thirty-seven miles later she stopped at Jacob Lake and then proceeded through Kaibab National Forest and the Grand Canyon North Rim entrance gate. It was then she saw the sign: Cape Royale Road. The road forks after five miles. To the left another three miles is Point Imperial. She tried that first as an appetizer. 8, 800 feet – the highest overlook on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. Her optimum altitude. Ponderosa pines. Beauty in every direction. Painted Desert to the east. Far below, views of Marble Canyon, and the eastern portion of the Grand Canyon. Returning to the fork, she headed up the right hand branch. Fifteen miles – a long and winding road – not suitable for trailers or long vehicles – plenty of time for a bride to consider her destination. She drove as far as a car can go and parked. On her own two feet she entered the avenue, a paved trail lined with piñon pine and tall, thriving, cliff rose. Until that day, she had never wanted to be a June Bride. June seems so conforming and usual somehow. But oh, if one is going to be a bride at Cape Royale, June is the month to be that bride. Every cliff rose was in bloom. As she walked, she noticed a wall of rock jutting into the canyon on the left. In that wall, nature had chiseled a window, Angel’s Window.

And through that window, in the distance, she could see the Colorado River. Her River. It was a breath-taking discovery.

It was not a difficult hike, nor a difficult drive, but it was a long, long and winding road; and it led to beauty. Her soul was satisfied for another hour, another day, another week. She would survive.

Presentation is part of the nourishment
Presentation is part of the nourishment

IMG_3268AvenueatCapeRoyale

IMG_3261AngelsWindow

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other, Hiking for Life!