May you be happier than you have been in a long time

She looked happy and healthy there in the staff picture and I told her so, whereupon she confessed to being happier than she has been in a long time.  So where does this happiness come from? I say it comes because finally, her basic needs are met.

Some of us are able to soldier on indefinitely without one or more of our basic needs being satisfied.  She is one of those toughies. It is arduous work. We may be hungry for a time, homeless for a week, not belong or not be loved for a season. Relentless poverty eventually takes its toll. Often, we are so consumed by basic survival needs that we cannot create or produce at optimum levels. Our creative work, our self-actualization suffers.

“If these “deficiency needs” are not met – with the exception of the most fundamental (physiological) need – there may not be a physical indication, but the individual will feel anxious and tense. Maslow’s theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs.”

In this case, she is happy because her basic Maslowian needs of food and shelter are met and she is free to relax in joy and create. She is dependent in the sense that part of her job security includes room and board, yet she is not totally dependent.  She is independent and interdependent because she pursued this position and works hard daily to earn and maintain it. Someone acknowledges her value, promotes her well-being, provides the right amount of training and challenging outdoor activity; all in a beautiful mountain setting.

How would you like to be happier than you have been in a long time?  Why not set about to take care of yourself?  To consciously address your basic needs?  A good job may be the first step – preferably doing something you love that includes serving others while taking care of yourself. It is hugely fulfilling to be independent enough to take responsibility for yourself and have enough to share.  Frequent beautiful places.  Exercise.  Don’t quit on your music, or writing, or reading, or things that enrich your life and nourish your soul. Sleep well.  Eat well. May you be happier than you have been in a long time.

 

I thought I was going crazy, but I’m just growing older

Colorado Rocky Mountain high hiking early on a hazy summer morning may find you more than a little bit high – you may be positively loopy.  I thought I was going crazy.

To begin with, I rose 45 minutes earlier on my day off just to take a hike with a friend. We both needed a break. Real Estate has been a tough business these past few years. My management job is caught somewhere between the vision and the reality. We arranged a luxury hike – my car was parked at the lower trailhead and someone was dropping us off at the upper. All you have to do upon completing a luxury hike is get in your waiting car and go out to lunch. I parked my car, retrieved my knapsack, double-checked that I locked my car and climbed into the backseat of the waiting vehicle.

Secondly, on our way to the trailhead, we passed a late model abandoned car parked eerily at right angels to the side of the road, both front tires in the ditch, obstructing an entire lane, which was somewhat unsettling.

When we arrived at the drop-off point, our elevation gain had been roughly two-thousand feet over that of the valley below where we live.  It usually takes more than that to make me lightheaded, but hey, there’s a first time for everything and I felt the teeniest bit dizzy.

Our driver pulled into a space at the trailhead.  We grabbed our daypacks – complete with 2 liter water reservoirs – and exited the car.  I fished in a side pocket of my pack for a phone to call and report the abandoned vehicle. My friend beat me to it and dialed the proper authority. I began to rummage for my camera.  Must have a photo documenting the start of our trek.  “Want me to take your picture?” she asked.  Last time we hiked together I had the camera and she used her cell phone. I shook my head and continued digging through my pack. Our driver was gone.   “Well, you are going to have to do all the picture taking today,” I conceded.  “I don’t have my camera.  It must have fallen out in the car seat.”

I felt a bit confused. I distinctly remembered stuffing it in a side pocket of the pack before leaving home. Perhaps it fell out in my own car seat before I transferred baggage. My usually conscientious nature was beginning to manifest a bit of tarnish. This particular friend is always picking up on details others miss, so when she whipped out a camera nearly identical to mine a quarter mile into the hike; I thought she was sporting with me. “Did I lay it on a rock when I pulled my phone out?”  I asked myself.  Aloud I said, “Hey, your camera is just like mine!” She replied innocuously and continued to snap occasional photos.

DSCN2251scarlet gilia

Her preference is wildflowers.  I usually favor unique rock formations and light.

DSCN2244purpleflowers

Pleasant weather and good conversation conspired to make the miles go fast.  Hot and perspiring, we climbed in my car at the end of the trail.  I checked all the seats.  No camera.  After delivering my friend to her front door, I proceeded home to empty my backpack and retrace my steps of the morning.  Still no camera. Such a shame if it was lost.  This one recently replaced its earlier model, same color predecessor which wore out after four years’ daily use.  It seems it is rather expensive to be going slowly crazy. What essential item would I loose next?  It was a great hike and nothing to show for it!

A few hours later I received an email which said in part, “-and thanks for the camera. Mine was still unused, deep in the other pocket. Noticed this when I went to download the photos.”

So.  I am happy to report I am not going crazy after all.  I was coming down with a capricious cough and – –  I am getting older. Happy Birthday to me. I have my camera back.

Detour to self care

Surprise!  I took a detour on the way home! It’s about time!  At the ripe of age of 60, I am finally learning how to take care of myself.

When I left work on Monday night, I knew it was high time for a little self-care.  I was stressed, rattled and burned out.  It was the beginning of my weekend.  What could I do to restore my spirit? Piano practice, walk meditation and even a bit of sleep were preempted in a bid to pack, load and get on the road early Tuesday morning.  Severe weather warnings forecast snow above 10,000 feet and portions of I-70 I would be traveling. The scenery through Glenwood Canyon was gorgeous. Snow was falling to the west and the east of Vail. Georgetown Visitor Center was beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I lingered there in Georgetown, to fortify my body and emotions for the climb through Bergen Park, Evergreen and finally to the cabin I called home for seven years. I collected my daughter Andrea and her belongings at high noon as previously agreed. 12 o’clock straight up turned out to be lunchtime, so we joined her dad for a quick sit-down meal at Qdoba and then moved forward.  At teatime, we dropped in on an old college roommate in Gunnison. We arrived at AEI basecamp at 6:00 p.m. after a few miles of power driving in the mud and were hospitably welcomed by the staff. A quick unload and a nice evening walk through the woods ended up in the chapel with a piano.  A walk. A piano. I slept well. Another mountain hike next morning continued the work of beauty and restoration on my spirits so I was not in bad shape at all as I made the descent from Black Canyon to Montrose.

And then, it happened. Spontaneously I made the best decision of the day, I turned left toward Ouray.  I checked myself in to the Wiesbaden hot springs and was the only individual in the pool and the vapor cave for nearly an hour.  The first dip had my heart and voice crying thanksgiving. Wow.

Proper self-care requires thought and work.   Good, intentional choices.

Sometimes, self-care costs a little extra in terms of logic – self-talk to keep yourself from feeling guilty. I was raised not to play until my work was done.  Not to take care of myself until I finished taking care of others. I learned early on; my work was never done.  Over the years, I discovered the needs of some others were like a black hole – the more care you lavish, the more they need. While self-sacrifice is an essential component of love, self-sacrifice as a goal in itself is not worthy.

When I am not quite at peace for known or unknown reasons, a combination of good choices seems to put me back on the right track.  Putting yourself on the right track is the only way to stay fit to care for others or work efficiently.

Good choices in self-care may entail leisure, a vacation, a favorite activity.  Many of those activities cost money.  So I work, and I work hard, to be able to afford to take care of myself.

This time my little detour cost me about $50. I had to get through the guilt of spending $50 on myself with nothing tangible to show for it.

It would not have been possible to take care of myself in this way – or even support my daughter with transportation – but for my full time job and a difficult choice I made last August.  I moved in with roommates.

It was a hard choice, because the solitude of living alone is also a way I care for myself. On the other hand, shared expenses leave more wiggle room for travel and spontaneous detours. What do you need to take care of yourself?

Music? A good book? A hike?  Travel? Sleep?  A 60-mile detour and dinner out?

Get on with it ! May you be energized by a new perspective!

Ebony and Ivory -Confiding in the keys

I got a bit historical at the piano the other night.  My roommate, who was baking muffins in the open kitchen just above me, got a glimpse into my very heart, soul and spiritual journey in that moment – ‘tho she may not know it.

Rather than rehearsing through my usual repertoire of folk and pop, performed predominately at nursing homes, I let memory and experiment have free expression.  Using all 88 keys and liberal glissandos, I took my childhood musical memories on a tour into adulthood. I dredged up Sunday school songs, folk songs and a smattering of top 40 – mostly things I had never tried to improvise before.  What came out?

Dormant feelings. Repressed pain and joy. Snippets and pieces, long forgotten and now ruminated on.  Thankfully, my roommate loves piano and overlooks the imperfections – especially when we are both doing common ordinary utilitarian things like baking and practicing.

She hummed along and danced about her work.  We share the same birth year and a similar religious upbringing so most of the melodies were familiar to her. She did, however, pause for a chuckle when I came flourishing down from a rollicking “Do Lord” to a sultry “Imagine.”

No one.  No one knows me so well as my piano. Every now and then my soul is laid bare and then healed – comforted. 30 minutes spent on a wooden bench addressing 88 keys yields more self-awareness than an hour with a therapist who knows me not. 

The usual suspects and their alibis – a scenario in which I feel strangely affirmed

The package was suspect from the beginning.  The return address indicated online mail order shipping.  I did not order anything, so I held it at arm’s length and gingerly pulled the tear strip, shielding my eyes lest something sinister or invasive explode into my living space.

Boom!  It was a T-shirt. Black.  Presumably in honor of Mother’s Day since my birthday will not come for another month. Common but for the text that made my knees weak and caused my heart to sing.

The material evidence that caused me to roll-call the usual suspects
The material evidence that caused me to roll-call the usual suspects

But who was it from?  “Your kids?” My helpful roommate suggested.  I shook my head.  “Are they not musicians?”  Yes.  Yes they are.  All of them. “Even the youngest?”  Yes.  Especially the youngest.

The youngest with the band
The youngest with the band

Especially the middle one.

The middle one.  Girl drummer. With the band.
The middle one. Girl drummer. With the band.

Especially the oldest.

Kevin at the Mesa, 2010 With the band.
Kevin at the Mesa, 2010
With the band.

“Well, I confess,” she said, looking like she had inside information, “it wasn’t me.”

But who? Let’s round up the usual suspects and hear their alibis.

My parents: generous, but never order anything online with a credit card

My daughter: flat broke.  Just returned from missions trip.  Ready to start new job.

My oldest and D-I-L: suspect, but not their style.

My youngest: not his style, though he designs and works textiles.

My other roommate and longtime friend: generous, busy hosting her own family during the specified time.

Friend and former co-worker:  implicated because she was guest at a birthday party where the live band consisted largely of my three children and she retains details like that in her mind.

My favorite band - live at my birthday party
My favorite band – live at my birthday party

Cousins: I have 32.  Three have been known to gift and acknowledge me in musical ways.

Brother and S-I-L:  Always culpable when it comes to generosity and gift giving.

Ex-husband: Highly unlikely. I have two.  One would be capable of this.  One not.

Current friends:  Thoughtful, insightful; would they do this for a lark?  If they could. Like me, their first gifts, allegiance and obligation go to their own families and futures.

A dozen writer friends:  Would they dream up something like this to create mystery or fulfill a good story?  You bet. They get it.  They are also starving writers.

Past coworkers and friends who know me well:  Though the memories remain, the past is in the past.

Miscellaneous benefactors: They gave already this year in the form of symphony tickets.

A multitude of old Band Mates and Choir Mates on Facebook: Doubtless guilty of sharing information that led to this incident.  Uh huh.  Indicted as accessories.

I am pretty sure now who gifted me this T-shirt  (As always, the one you least suspect) but it was heartening to round up all the suspects – more than 50 – who can be accused of the motivation, interest and generosity to carry out a plan like this.   You see, recently I have been feeling overlooked -starved for affirmation.  Analyzing this mental list of suspects made it clear just how blessed I am!

decisively incriminating evidence
decisively incriminating evidence

Job serenity or job security?

The courage to change the things I can

I will leave, she said.

I will resign. I will pack up my skills and gifts and find someone who acknowledges and values me. I would not put up with this kind of churlish denigration from family members be they parents or spouse.  I have gone the extra mile. I understand contentment in service to others in authority, and I understand gaining freedom when you can. If I would not permit this kind of treatment at the hands of family whom I love, why should I permit it from someone to whom I have no connection other than they hold the stability of my job in their capricious hands?  Is this the time I should choose to gain my freedom? What price freedom?

The wisdom to know the difference

“There is no question.  I have the wisdom,” she said. “I have the skills and the experience to do something bigger and better.”  So she betook herself to the job boards to seek a better life. At that very moment, there were no vacancies remotely suitable to her goals and needs. Too hard. Too soft.  Too hot.  Too cold. Too big.  Too small.

“I will sleep on it,” she said. And she did.  As she drifted off to sleep, she mused on the perfect job; something enjoyable and rewarding in every way; consisting of just the right amounts of people time, alone time and creative challenge.

“I think,” said she on waking.  “I think the job I now have fits that description.  Why should I initiate the grueling unemployment routine just because of one or two persons acting like a bear?”

Then she understood with clarity; often the one thing you cannot change is a person.

 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference (Serenity Prayer by  Reinhold Niebuhr ).

 “Anyway,” she said, feeling a bit like Goldilocks, “why should I let one or two bears frighten me?  My boss attempts to motivate with warnings, veiled threats and putdowns.  But, I am self-motivated and care not for posturing. What is there to fear?  Serene and independent, I will stay until it is time for me to go.”

And I, acting as Little Red Writing Hood, affirmed and adopted her perspective of acceptance, courage and wisdom.  Because, after all, daily work is rarely a fairy tale.

 

 

Help Me, and other difficult phrases

I hate to ask for help,” she said. Clichés are often true.  In this case, apples don’t fall far from the tree. Go ahead, Google “Hardest words to say,” and see what you come up with.

I am sorry

I am wrong

I don’t know

I love you

Help me

That is a list I can identify with.  How about you?

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

I fear rejection. They might say no. They may think less of me for needing help.

 

I fear to impose. They might want to say no, yet feel like they have to say yes. They have so many other burdens to carry.  I don’t want to be just one more.

I am independent. I can do it myself. Besides, others often fail me.  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

If I ask and they help me, they may hold it up to me forever saying, “You would be nothing had I not helped you.”

I want control of the outcome.  They might help, but not help in the way I want.

I need affirmation – support for my plan.  They might offer advice. Opinion.  Tell me how to do it instead of just supporting my plan.

Have you experienced some or all these anxious feelings when you needed help?

What if you need help and you don’t ask for help? You may injure yourself.  You may get burned out, exhausted or ill, trapped. What if you just wait for someone to see your need and offer? You kind of huff and puff and hint and sigh. They may reject you anyway. Seeing your need, they may offer or foist help on you whether you want it or not -give you pink preppie skirts when you needed hiking boots. One way or another, they will doubtless offer advice and opinion.

So why not ask specifically for what you need? Choose your confidant or potential benefactor carefully.  If you need a car mechanic, a medical doctor is probably not a good substitute. A multi-level marketer may not be your best counselor, nor does your great grandma a sturdy piano mover make.  Go ahead and choose with care.  Ask. Then trust them a little bit. A wise helper might teach you how to fish.  They might lend you their fishing gear.  They might have greater insight into your roadblocks and challenges and give wise counsel – a needed boost rather than a ruthless kick in the pants.

But if they say, “Hey, I know you are desperate for money.  Let’s talk about getting you a loan! (or buying lottery tickets – or robbing a bank – or some other get-rich quick scheme).”  Nah! Withdraw your request and run the other way. Helping you spend or helping you into debt is not helping you.

You can ask for help and still remain yourself and guard your heart.  We all need a little help of one kind or another from time to time. May you – and I – have the wisdom and discernment to know when to ask for help and the dignity to receive help without selling out our deepest dreams or indenturing our spirits to shame.

 

Vacations are for light and laughter

She meant it in love, but I almost laughed in her face.  As I exited the door for my  much longed for camping vacation, my housemate admonished, “You be sure and camp where there’s enough light, now.”  She meant, be safe.  She meant; we care about you. I intended to sleep in National Parks and State Park campgrounds.  Is a million stars enough?

It is good to begin a vacation laughing. After all, absence of laugher is a critical deficit. I was burned out. Discouraged.  I needed nature. I needed therapy.  Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.

In my wanderings, I hoped to find clarity, specific guidance or maybe even a new life.   Is that too much to hope for? In place of clarity, I got peace. Rather than specific guidance, I got to travel and hike with my daughter. Sometimes the best therapist in the world is a wise daughter, sister or cousin. I didn’t get a new life, but I got to nose about in ghost towns and open spaces and contemplate old lives – including mine.  That too, brings peace.

And there was laughter.  The meal at Garbanzos was already well flavored with the humor of my two youngest before they were motivated to snap and post a selfie.  Being national siblings day, it was a legitimate social plan, rather than rude self-absorption.   As they fussed over their phones, I asked Philip if he wanted to add my leftovers to his takeout box.

He looked up and deadpanned, “We can’t talk to you right now, we’re on facebook.”

“Very well,” said I and whipped out my own cellphone.

A moment later, Philip looked up. “Mom!  Did you just voice text me?”

Yes, Son.  Yes, I did.

I may not have found clarity, specific guidance or a new life, but I loved talking with my grown children and seeing them relate.  I think I may have found myself again, for my sense of humor is intact.

As I said on facebook: Vacation is for those times your heart has come up missing, and you need to go and find it.

Sale! Or, why you should take the zip line

What makes a vacation?
According to my daughter-in-law, it is not a vacation if you wake up cold. When I woke up in Mueller State Park on April 9 it was 22°. My fault for choosing a campsite in excess of 9,000 feet elevation with peak views. I was in a sleeping bag in the back of my Subaru with two quilts on top. For me, the reason it didn’t feel like vacation was that the showers weren’t open. I love my daily bath. Hot and cold running water are the two great luxuries of life.

It’s not a vacation if you left a messy desk back at the office and carried the worries with you. I tried to leave everything in order at the office so others could function with ease. I scheduled several posts in advance. After three days, I even stopped checking my email.

It’s not a vacation if you are so tight on money you brought the left-overs from the fridge and that is all you have to eat. My hamper was stocked with chips, nuts, fresh apples and avocados, and planned camp stove meals.

Perfect avocado presentation by Andrea
Perfect avocado presentation by Andrea

It’s not a vacation if you take it during spring break and your taxes are not yet done. Someone earned money doing my taxes this year. It was every bit the luxury of the years’ worth of pedicures it cost.

It’s not a vacation unless you have time to read and write. Next time, I will do less driving and more writing.

It’s not a vacation unless there are pianos along the way. I make it a point to play every accessible piano I encounter. This included the piano at St Catherine /St. Malos – in the mountains and intentionally scheduling time in downtown Ft. Collins with the pianos about town.

Our Lady of the Mountains St. Catherine / St Malos
Our Lady of the Mountains St. Catherine / St Malos

It’s not a vacation unless there is plenty of laughter. Loved, loved, loved travelling with my daughter for three days. It was even better when we met up with my youngest son.

Philip and Andrea laughing
Philip and Andrea laughing

It’s not a vacation unless there is wiggle room for spontaneity. Despite being admitted to Royal Gorge on the senior rate, I essayed to ride the zip-line. It was too windy, so I saved myself 40 dollars. Just like money saved at a sale, this savings cost me more in the long run. Remember what I said about hot and cold running water being the two great luxuries?

Vacations should feel luxurious. Do you know how many campground showers remain closed for the season? Do you know how many hot springs there are in the Rocky Mountains?

Vacations are for enjoying as many as possible. Just keep telling yourself, “I saved $40 on the zip line. Surely I can afford this.”

The Lorelei
The Lorelei

I saved $40 on the zip line.  Surely, I can stay another day!

 

Vacation!

Vacation.  Vay Cay  Shun!   I have been contemplating taking one.  In fact, I am on one.  In the days and weeks leading up to this time, it was my goal to put everything in order at work – to leave the office and the store turnkey so that the workers taking on extra hours in my absence would have a smooth time of it.

Forget leaving disarray so you are missed.  That goes against my grain.  I am nearly as bad as the mother in Night Crossing who wanted to mop the floor before the family escaped so the officials would not find evidence of slovenly housekeeping when they came in to investigate the disappearance.

Besides, when things fall into chaos in your absence, others usually blame you for being gone anyway.  They accuse you of not caring – whether or not you have accumulated so many vacation hours you are required to take a few before the busy season arrives and no one can be spared.

To complicate matters, work  – and holding it together personally – has been so busy I have had precious little brain cells working in the background to plan an enjoyable get-away.

Breath deep.  Here I am on the threshold of departure with only one load of laundry to finish and an oil change to complete before I am off.  But what do I want to do most at this very moment?  Write.  Play the piano.  Vacation has a way of doing that; bringing into sharp focus the things that really matter.  So after I write; after I play; after the oil and laundry and maybe even after some leisurely work communication; I’ll be off !  Yes, I am going to explore some beautiful places in beloved Colorado.

And when I’m gone?

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other, Hiking for Life!