Tag Archives: Unconditional Love

Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Relationships

Able to Inspire Love

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I was re-reading Patti Hill’s book “The San Clemente Bait Shop and Tellephony” the other day. If you must know, I was perusing it to see what format she used and who did her graphic design and layout. Anyway, I got lost in the story again and I remembered Patti saying it was a story about love – unconditional love.

I was re-reading Bonnie Grove’s book “Time and Again,” as I dropped off to sleep the other night. I pulled it out on my Kindle reader the night before to see how she denoted her chapters and timeline of the story. I got lost in the story again and read to the end of the book. I pondered what Bonnie had to say – through Morris – about love—real love.

I took a nice long hike yesterday and mulled over Patti’s take on unconditional love and Bonnie’s take on unconditional and enduring love and my thoughts ran something like this:

It must be true. Too many authors write about it for it to be false. Even Charlotte Brontë wrote about it. I wonder if those authors experienced it?  One thing is for certain, I was never able to get anyone to love me that way. I was never able to inspire unconditional, enduring love. Yet something is wrong with that thought right there. It smacks of control. Can you MAKE someone love you? It is one thing to admit that you have never received unconditional or enduring love. It is quite another to think you are a failure because you were never able to inspire or draw out that kind of love from another toward yourself.

***

There is, in each of us, a little trigger that if not competitive, is at least jealous.

While competition is healthy, uplifting and encouraging in its place, here are some things for which a person should never be required to compete:

The fidelity of a significant other,

The love of a mother,

The support and protection of a father,

Fidelity, Love, Support, Protection – Not out of pity or need or awarded as a trophy, but just because. Because it makes us better humans to give and receive.

Addiction, Books and other Soul Food, Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Family, Fiction is Truth, Holidays and Traditions, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

27 Dresses, chick flick with a message

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musingIf you have ever been on the care-taker side of codependent; continuously putting the needs of others above your own, you need to see this movie.

The message of “27 Dresses” was one I sorely needed to hear. It was about loyalty and persevering in service to others-to a fault. It was about a journalist who intuitively pointed out the flaw of the caretaker and, deft as a counselor, kept his focus on the issue and the cure. It was about a best friend who admits her own moral compass does not always point due north, but still cares enough to hold Jane accountable.

In the movie “27 Dresses” Jane finally learns to speak up for herself. The things she says are truths that need to be spoken. But, she does it all wrong. Her friend Casey points out that she unleashed 20 years of hurt in a cruel way. Instead of just going straight to the person and speaking the truth, Jane waited until she was completely angry and then exposed her sister publicly. People suffered. Jane suffered.  Some important relationships were nearly lost.

I have been there before; both on the job and in the home.  It is a place where you perform a small intervention (as it was termed in communications class), but something goes wrong.  Either you do it horribly wrong or it is received in the worst possible way.  The result is a complete and absolute end of the relationship.  Talking has no result.  Apologies go unheeded. Reconciliation and restoration are out of the question.

Why is it so hard for a people pleaser – someone who really does care about others- to speak directly? How is it we think that covert hints are better than direct confrontation; clever exposures more valid than courageously speaking our own needs?  Is it wise to keep stuffing our own wants until we explode in overkill? As a result of covert, clever overkill; I have been accused of being mean and controlling for exposing the weaknesses and deceit of others, when I most want to be known as a loving and accommodating person.

“27 Dresses” is also a story about second chances. It turned out alright. Jane was contrite about doing it wrong and she immediately acted on doing things right to the favor of her future.  Her sister took the chance to hear and be heard and it benefitted her future behavior as well. Both were better people for truth spoken and heeded.

Some things I covet from 27 Dresses:

1) friends who stick with you and hold you accountable until you do the right thing the right way; family who loves unconditionally,  and the chance to keep practicing until you get it right.

2) to be like Jane, tirelessly doing unto others what I would have them do for me.

3) to be so true to myself that it raises the bar of loving my neighbor as I love myself.

Pretty strong messages for a chick-flick, don’t you think?

Character, Emotional Health, Family, Fiction is Truth, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Do you deserve compassion and forgiveness?

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Today, I am thinking about Vanessa Diffenbaugh’s wonderful work; The Language of Flowers (2011), which I have read twice in the past 96 hours.  I cannot get over the enduring love, understanding and forgiveness expressed over and over by the supporting characters; nor the deep understanding of human character and personality disorder exposed so profoundly by the writer.

I want to write like that; to plumb the depths of Hades and return victoriously with Eurydice; leaving my readers entertained, satisfied, hopeful, yet with the knowledge that life still takes work.  Happily ever after does not happen without addressing the issues one day at a time.  Nor does it happen without self-awareness and a compassion for the heart pain of others.

All too often, I subconsciously agree with the adage,”She made her own bed, she can lie in it,” or, “well of course he hurts, he brought it on himself, he deserved it.”

My great take away from this book has to do with what you or I went through. Just because you / I deserved it, does not justify the pain or make it less or any easier. This is true understanding and compassion. Let us be gentle with one another.